Dates from hell.. (1 Viewer)

[Hector Grey]

I am naturally rather shy almost bordering on social inept in person. Bless the internet. I hate the phone rarely use or check it. I can’t even call for takeaway because I get too nervous. Yet I have no problem going anywhere alone. Bizarre, really. However, if anyone, male or female, ever approaches me and starts a conversation I’m very friendly. I figure if they have enough nerve to make the effort, I should return in kind. Basically I only speak when spoken too unless it’s a good friend. I happily hold up the back walls in most places.

god you sound ttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrible.

 

[Jill Hives]

Miami and a snow storm? Why don't I believe this?

 

[Zeelander]

Miami and a snow storm? Why don't I believe this?

Um. Because it's a Will Smith song?

 

[Jill Hives]

Um. Because it's a Will Smith song?

Wouldn't have known that...

 

[Zeelander]

Wouldn't have known that...

You're missing out. Will Smith is the best.

 

[rettucs]

You're missing out. Will Smith is the best.

 

[oh shit]

pft, Will Smith ... I was working part time in a five-and-dime, my boss was Mr. McGee. He told me several times that he didn't like my kind, beause I was a bit 2 leisurely. Seems that I was busy doing something close 2 nothing, but different than the day before. That's when I saw her, oh, I saw her - she walked in through the out door. She wore a raspberry beret, the kind U find in a second hand store, and if it was warm she wouldn't wear much more. Built like she was, she had the nerve 2 ask me if I planned 2 do her any harm. So, look here, I put her on the back of my bike and-a we went riding, down by old man Johnson's farm.

Overcast days never turned me on, but something about the clouds and her mixed. She wasn't 2 bright, but I could tell when she kissed me she knew how 2 get her kicks. The rain sounds so cool when it hits the barn roof and the horses wonder who U are. Thunder drowns out what the lightning sees - U feel like a movie star.

Listen - they say the first time ain't the greatest. But I tell ya if I had the chance 2 do it all again I wouldn't change a stroke, 'cause baby I'm the most, with a girl as fine as she was then.

Where have all the raspberry women gone?

 

[JohnnyRaz]

I only ever asked girls out if it was beyond question that is was an absolute sure thing that she would definitely say yes. About two weeks ago I got a flashback to a gig i did in the Da club in about 1994 where some girl was talking to me, and it struck me (13 years later) - 'hey, wait a minute, she was chatting me up.'

man, thats happened to me so many times its not funny.
people should have little business cards saying

'you may have noticed that I may be attracted to you [non-commital fashion]'

or

'it has occured to me that you may possibly be attracted to me. please clarify [with sexy results'

 

[RSJ]

Seven o’clock in the morning
And the rays from the sun wakes me
I’m stretchin’ and yawnin’
In a bed that don’t belong to me
And a voice yells, “Good morning, darlin”, from the bathroom
Then she comes out and kisses me
And to my surprise, she ain’t you

Now I’ve got this dumb look on my face
Like, what have I done?
How could I be so stupid to be have laid here til the morning sun?
Lost the track of time
Oh, what was on my mind?
From the club, went to her home
Didn’t plan to stay that long

Here I am, quickly tryin’ to put on my clothes
Searching for my car keys
Tryin’ to get on up out the door
Then she streched her hands in front of it
Said, “You can’t go this way”
Looked at her, like she was crazy
Said, “Woman move out my way”
Said, “I got a wife at home”
She said, “Please don’t go out there”
“Lady, I’ve got to get home”
She said, her husband was comin’ up the stairs

“Shh, shh, quiet
Hurry up and get in the closet”
She said, “Don’t you make a sound
Or some shit is going down”
I said, “Why don’t I just go out the window?”
“Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor”
“Shit think, shit think, shit quick, put me in the closet”
And now I’m in this darkest closet, tryin’ to figure out
Just how I’m gonna get my crazy ass up out this house

Then he walks in and yells, “I’m home”
She says, “Honey, I’m in the room”
Walks in there with a smile on his face
Sayin’, “Honey, I’ve been missin’ you”
She hops all over him
And says, “I’ve cooked and ran your bath water”
I’m tellin’ you now, this girl’s so good that she deserves an Oscar

throws her in the bed
And start to snatchin’ her clothes off
I’m in the closet, like man, what the fuck is going on?
You’re not gonna believe it
But things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said, “There’s a mystery going on
And I’m gonna solve it”
And I’m like, “God please, don’t let this man open this closet”

He walks in the bathroom
And looks behind the door
She says, “Baby, come back to bed”
He says, “Bitch say no more”
He pulls back the shower curtain
While she’s biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room
Right now, I’m sweating like hell
Checks under the bed
Then under the dresser
He looks at the closet
I pull out my Baretta
He walks up to the closet
He goes up to the closet
Now he’s at the closet
Damn he’s opening the closet…

 

[Lord Damian]

This isn't so much a date story exactly, but it's worth re-telling if only because it provides a salutary moral lesson. I go through this stuff so you don't have to. It happened a few years back, when I was hanging out with a couple of friends in a bar in Miami. We'd been drinking tequila all night and were, to say the least, a bit worse for wear, and then this girl walked up - she said “hi, my name is Sheila”. I responded by saying “hello”. She paid for my drink and then said “let's go”. 20 minutes later things were starting to cook, as we pulled up into her house, I said “I'm with you toots”. The music was soft and there was wine in the glasses, she started winking and making little passes at me. She put me close, that's when she got bold - she started feeling up my back, I said “oh, your hands are cold”. We went to her bedroom thinking of one thing, took the phone off the hook to avoid the annoying ring. I carresed her body and I kissed her cheek, and that's when I observed those satin bed sheets. I felt that it was time for me to make my move - I thought I better hurry up before I busted a groove. I leaned down to kiss her but then out of the blue, a door slammed and a voice said “baby, where are you?” Her boyfriend busted in, he grinned an evil grin and said “boy I'm a tear your butt limb from limb”. I was scared as hell, where was I supposed to go? I just yelled “geronimo!” and jumped out the window. Just my luck, we were in a snow storm and all I had was my underwear on to keep me warm and to top the night off, I had to break in my place, because my keys were in my pants back on Sheila's book case. I was done sneezing and coughing, I hope this doesn't happen too often. But nevertheless, don't mean to bust your bubble - but girls of the world ain't nothing but trouble. So next time a girl gives you the play: just remember my rhymes and get the hell away.

amazing - i thought it was a real story until the “boy I'm a tear your butt limb from limb”...thinking to myself, now that sounds familiar....hmmm.....doesn't help that it all barely rhymes.

 

[plug]

i hate stories without sexy results

After about 20 minutes, we pull out and he takes me home.

???

 

[Pantone247]

and scrapes my name into the wall.

ha ha ha ha, I have to remember this... awesome...

 

[wageslave]

See, that raises the question, should girls be issued with some kind of changeable badge we can use when talking to guys, with options like "we will never be more than friends", "If you ask me out I'll say yes, but only out of pity", "ASK ME OUT ALREADY!", and "I want to have your babies, we should start now"?

Yes, girls should all wear these badges. Prob wouldn't help me, what with my cunning 'do nothing and see what happens' scoring strategy* but it would make life easier for plenty of people.



* and by strategy I obviously don't mean strategy I mean no conscious thought process whatsoever

 

[muffin]

You're missing out. Will Smith is the best.

zeelander is back!

and my worst relationship story ties in with will smith..i once went out with a dude called phil who was a big will smith fan..so when he listened to the album he would replace 'will' with 'phil' throughout the entire album..seriously..the line 'excuse me philenium' still haunts me..we lasted about a month..

 

[Mormon Nailer]

Yes, girls should all wear these badges. Prob wouldn't help me, what with my cunning 'do nothing and see what happens' scoring strategy* but it would make life easier for plenty of people.



* and by strategy I obviously don't mean strategy I mean no conscious thought process whatsoever

Probably still works better than my - infuriate the knickers off em - ploy.

 

[sugar_referee]

pitcher and catcher

,


man alive, that's one saucy metaphor

 

[Sweetie]

Ah the teenage years are best for cringe worthy stories. I was "going out" with this guy, and being from the country this meant meeting him in the pub and saying about two words to him and then disappearing with him at the night club on a Saturday night. Other than that we'd half ignore each other on the school bus and then talk for ages on the phone every night. However every teenage girl has to add some drama so I suggest we actually meet up during the day (we've been seeing each other for maybe three months if you count the time where we "just bumped into each other in the nightclub and got it together weekend after weekend"). So we decide to meet near my house at a ruined castle (I wasn't the kind of person who told parents about boys etc). Now you can imagine it, my mind said - romantic, but it was the most awkward, awful gawky experience I've ever had. I just got really nervous and clammed up, I'd say I spoke about 5 words, giving him the impression I wasn't interested. We walked around in the field for about 25 mins, he didn't seem too impressed with the setting, and then I said I'd better go. After this embarrassing non date I decided he wasn't the guy for me and "broke it off" but worst of all his friend then gave me a letter on the school bus with all the lyrics of Never Ever by All Saints and a horrible wordy attack saying that I was a b****h and heartless and that the boy in question was heart broken (none of which was true as far as I was concerned).

A few questions that I need to know
how you could ever hurt me so
I need to know what I've done wrong
and how long it's been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
but I'll know never to make the same mistake again
You can tell me to my face or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter, either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way, I'm going out of my mind
all the answers to my questions
I have to find

My head's spinning
Boy, I'm in a daze
I feel isolated
Don't wanna communicate

I'll take a shower, I will scour
I will rub
To find peace of mind
The happy mind I once owned, yeah

Vexing vocabulary runs right through me
The alphabet runs right from A to Z
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find

I'm not crazy
I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong, no
I'm just waiting
'Cause I heard that this feeling
won't last that long

Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole?
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've Never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I'm feeling, yeah, I just don't feel right

I'll keep searching
Deep within my soul
For all the answers
Don't wanna hurt no more

I need peace, got to feel at ease
Need to be.
Free from pain - going insane
My heart aches, yeah

Sometimes vocabulary runs right through my head
The alphabet runs right from A to Z
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find

I'm not crazy,
I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong
I'm just waiting
'Cause I heard that this feeling won't last that long

Never ever have I ever felt so low
When ya gonna take me out of this black hole?
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've Never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I'm feeling, yeah, I just don't feel right x4

You can tell me to my face,
You can tell me on the phone,
Uh, You can write it in a letter, babe
'Cause I really need to know

You can tell me to my face
You can tell me on the phone
Uh, You can write it in a letter, babe
'Cause I really need to know

You can write it in a letter, babe
You can write it in a letter, babe


Fair enough I probably did tell him over the phone but really!!

 

[muffin]

After this embarrassing non date I decided he wasn't the guy for me and "broke it off" but worst of all his friend then gave me a letter on the school bus with all the lyrics of Never Ever by All Saints and a horrible wordy attack saying that I was a b****h and heartless and that the boy in question was heart broken (none of which was true as far as I was concerned).



Fair enough I probably did tell him over the phone but really!!

please tell me that he wrote b***h instead of bitch!!and to the lyrics to never ever!sweetie yr killing me here...

 

[RSJ]

You're better off, relationships between chicks and gay dudes rarely work out.

 

[Sweetie]

You're better off, relationships between chicks and gay dudes rarely work out.

It was his mate who gave me the letter. And remember we're talking repressed teenage hurlers here.

It later turned out the mate with the letter fancied me, I'm glad I'm not a teenager anymore