I think I have this sorted now. There's a shop that will print out boarding passes but they need to be emailed. Naturally, Ryanair's IT dept decided that passes can't be downloaded on a phone. So I've asked my brother (in Canada!) to log in and download the PDF then email it to me so that I can email it to the shop that will charge me to print it out. Holy shit, who'd go away?
Worth mentioning that this is not a hut and a donkey town either!
Worth mentioning that this is not a hut and a donkey town either!