Please tell me a joke! (1 Viewer)

[ron]

S'thing short and sweet please.
One with an Xmas theme even.
Cheers

 

[monkeymafia]

This woman goes into the police station
Woman: Help, I've been graped
Cop: Don't you mean raped?
Woman: No, there were a bunch of them

 

[SONYMEGADRIVE]

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[snakybus]

Guy says to his friend “you collect anything?”

“Bees”

“Bees? Wow, I never knew!”

“yep”

“How many?”

“5000”

“That many? But you live in an apartment”

“Yep”

“With no garden”

“Yep”

“where do you keep them”

“In the wardrobe”

“Wardrobe?”

“Yep”

“How?”

“In a shoebox”

“5000 bees in a shoebox in your wardrobe?!!”


“Yep. I figure… fuck’em”

 

[monkeymafia]

What's got 8 legs and makes a woman scream?
Gang rape

 

[shitepipe]

whats better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?



ICE CREAM!!!!!!

 

[c0De_n1NjA]

sorry guys this isn't a joke, but my Jam has gone all sugary - is it still OK to eat? I hope so, i've already spread it on my toast, and it was the last two slices of bread.

Worried, Dublin.

 

[magicbastarder]

how many protestants does it take to change a lightbulb?
doesn't matter, they're damned to eternal darkness.

 

[monkeymafia]

What's 12 inches long and makes a woman cry all night?
cot death

 

[monkeymafia]

tough crowd.....

 

[travispickle]

3 lads at the gates of heaven on christmas day.
St Pete says 'in order to get in, you must each give me one item which signifies christmas'.
1st guy hands over a lighter.
Whats this? - says st pete
Thats a christmas candle - says the guy
go on in - says st pete
2nd guy hands over a set of car keys
what are these young man? - says st pete
why, they're christmas bells - says the guy
thats fine, says st pete, in you go
3rd guy is rummaging around in his pockets, all he has is a pair of ladies knickers. so he hands them over to st pete
And just what are these!!!! says old st pete in a huff
they're carol's - says the guy.


i thank you

 

[jimmybreeze]

Whats a Wombat for?


Playing Wom

 

[Jim Daniels]

What goes Ho Ho....thump?


Santa laughing his head off

 

[shidheat]

why has santa got such large sacks?
because he only comes once a year?

(geddit??!! "comes" = "cums")

 

[therealjohnny]

This man walked into a bar. He said "ouch". It was an iron bar


oh yeah, the man was Santa

 

[RSJ]

What's blue and fucks kids?

me in my lucky blue suit.

 

[the departed]

why did the chicken cross the road?






cos you touch yourself at night.

 

[Diddles]

Whats plastic and hangs from cathedrals?


The lunch pack of Notre Dame!

 

[Vinnie]

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

 

[Vinnie]

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."