There's this chess convention in a hotel one christmas. The place is all christmassy and all the boffins are there in the foyer talking about how great they are and how they can beat each other in four moves etc.
A bloke walks up to the counter to check in and says to the receptionist 'What's the story with the geeks over there?
And she says "Oh, that's just chess nuts boasting at an open fire".
this bloke and his pregnant wife are sittin in one night watchin deal or no deal
when the wife suddenly gets a bout of da munchies, and launches the husband down to the local spar to pick her up her favourite snack which is a bag of snails, the husband agrees and heads down the spar, on the break from deal or no deal of course and a long debate about why he should, so he makes his way down the spar picks up the snails and is marching home when he bumps into his mate who convinces him to pop in and have a pint, one turns into two then two turns into ten, ya know how it goes.
hammered now the bloke remembers his poor old wife sittin at home waiting for da snails, so he darts home buckled, finally reachin the door he falls over, da snails go all over the ground, his wife hears the disastrous noise outside and comes running out to find her beloved husband standing over da snails, saying COME ON LADS NEARLY THERE, KEEP IT GOING, NEARLY THERE COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!