Please tell me a joke! (1 Viewer)

[Vinnie]

Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga." The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga." He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death." The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!

 

[Lord Damian]

i saw a pirate on the street the other day, and he had a steering wheel attached to his crotch. curiuos, i asked him why. "arrr, it's driving me nuts" he said.

oh yeah, the pirate was Santa.

 

[magicbastarder]

why has there been no woman on the moon?
cos it doesn't need to be cleaned yet.

 

[Beanstalk]

Classic...

Did you hear about the blind circumciser?

He finally got the sac.

 

[ratmonkey]

What did Santa say to the three prostitutes?

Ho ho ho.

 

[snakybus]

two thumped internerds at the thumped unofficial xmas party

"thumpder" #1: Hey, you know what's crap?

"thumpder" #2: Dunno, what?

"thumpder" #1: Music.

"thumpder" #2: Hmm, yeah.... you got that right!

 

[lympog]

Q: what did the obscene doctor say to the midget?
A: stand up straight and give me a blowjob

HUZZAHHH!!!
- leigh

 

[Osama Van Halen]

HERE'S A GREAT JOKE. I GET PAID BY THE MONTH AND I MIGHT GET PAID TOMORROW. IF NOT IT WILL BE THE MIDDLE OF NEXT WEEK.

FUCKING USELESS MONGO SHIT PRICK CUNT ARSED BASTARDS.

SERIOUSLY. YOU CAN TAKE THIS FUCKIN' TOWN AND SHOVE IT UP YER HOLE. WHOEVER YOU ARE.

NO QUAANNNDOs FOR ALL

 

[coast to coast]

what did the grape say when an elephant stood on it?

nothing, it just let out a little whine.

 

[ron]

3 lads at the gates of heaven on christmas day.
St Pete says 'in order to get in, you must each give me one item which signifies christmas'.
1st guy hands over a lighter.
Whats this? - says st pete
Thats a christmas candle - says the guy
go on in - says st pete
2nd guy hands over a set of car keys
what are these young man? - says st pete
why, they're christmas bells - says the guy
thats fine, says st pete, in you go
3rd guy is rummaging around in his pockets, all he has is a pair of ladies knickers. so he hands them over to st pete
And just what are these!!!! says old st pete in a huff
they're carol's - says the guy.


i thank you

This won me a 12"

 

[ernesto]

This won me a 12"

pizza?

 

[ron]

pizza?

Da vinyl

 

[Lord Damian]

Da vinyl

vinyl pizza? grody!

 

[Ciansy]

Ok, so a man walks into a bar, right:

He's a chronic alcoholic whose drink problem is tearing his family apart.

Oh yeah, the man is Santa.

 

[HMD]

southside girl and bloke are in their car getting it on and the girl says "kiss my where it smells" so he drove her to the north side.

 

[Diddles]

Santy has a bag. A geebag.

 

[flashback]

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufresne, party of two, table ready for Dufresne, party of two."
And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush party of three."
Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufresnes."

 

[Space]

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufresne, party of two, table ready for Dufresne, party of two."
And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush party of three."
Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufresnes."

 

[jane]

What's pink and has seven dents?

Snow White's hymen.

(The dwarves were doing scab labour when Santa's unionised elves went on strike over pay and conditions.)

 

[Owen]

Just to show they're was no hard feelings, Paul McCartney bought Heather Mills an expensive Christmas present. He got her a plane. And a Ladyshave for the other leg.