not having kids (1 Viewer)

[broken arm]

is there still a stigma around deciding to not have kids?

 

[Vinnie]

Only among anachronisms & complete assholes

 

[Catwoman]

Only among anachronisms & complete assholes

And mothers-in-law. Oh, I guess they count as both of the above.

 

[Jill Hives]

Exits thread now.

 

[billygannon]

is there still a stigma around deciding to not have kids?

There's a stigma?

 

[egg_]

There's no stigma that I know of. You might find it harder to relate to your friends if they all have them and you don't though - some things have to be experienced to be understood

 

[Wilbert]

There's no stigma that I know of. You might find it harder to relate to your friends if they all have them and you don't though - some things have to be experienced to be understood

That only really happens when some people who have kids develop this strange inability to talk about anything other than their kids.

Luckily all the parents I know aren't like that.

 

[jane]

There is kind of a stigma for women, although it doesn't get talked about much. And by extension, a bit of a weirdness for couples who decide not to have kids. It's not something that people make a huge deal out of, but I think there's a sense that marriage is meant to be about starting a family, and even though we all like to think we're modern and progressive, a lot of people can't totally get away from the idea that a child-free marriage has somehow not fulfilled its purpose.

I don't think that people who choose to be child-free are necessarily looked down upon, but there's definitely a sense that a lot of people see not wanting children as just a phase that women grow out of. And then, once they're sort of past their childbearing years, it's some sort of 'pity'. Despite the fact that it's their decision, and they don't want to be pitied.

But the real pity is all the people -- men and women -- who had kids (or even who got married at all) when it wasn't really something they wanted.

I definitely get a lot of 'oh, isn't it a pity that you don't have children' and 'you'd better not waste any more time' and 'you're wasting your life on your career, you can't turn back the clock', blah blah blah. I don't mind if people ask if I plan to have them, but there are definitely times when they just won't stop going on about it, sometimes almost demanding me to have them RIGHT THIS MINUTE OR ELSE. I get out of it by saying that I would like to have children in the future, but I get the sense that if I actually turned around and said I didn't want them at all, that might create some awkwardness. Saying you don't want kids is one thing when you're 20 (although people still dismiss you), but it's entirely another thing when you're in your 30s.

What say ye Thumped women who don't want them? What's your experience? I know I get a tiny bit annoyed when people won't drop the subject of my biological clock, but is it even more annoying for you?

EDIT: For froog: dick caca geeflap.

 

[Jill Hives]

What say ye Thumped women who don't want them? What's your experience? I know I get a tiny bit annoyed when people won't drop the subject of my biological clock, but is it even more annoying for you?

EDIT: For froog: dick caca geeflap.

Yes, to make it short and sweet. This topic gets under my skin.*












*Exits thread again trying really hard not to click in again.

 

[SONYMEGADRIVE]

wud u get n abortion if u got knockd up?

 

[jane]

WHAT ABOUT THE BAYBEEES CHOICE?*



















*Sorry, couldn't help it.

 

[SONYMEGADRIVE]

vinnie stigma should decide whether or not you have kids

 

[jane]

Ah, Vinnie. I'll bet little Vinnie is about 35 by now. And Paulie the bulldog must be long gone.

 

[MDR]

People are always asking me whether we have kids and if we're going to have kids, which I think is an insensitive question when you don't know if a couple is able to have children (as far as I know, we could have children by the way).

 

[jane]

People are always asking me whether we have kids and if we're going to have kids, which I think is an insensitive question when you don't know if a couple is able to have children (as far as I know, we could have children by the way).

Yeah, if you say "I don't have kids" people seem to think it's their business to also ask, "Oh, and why is that?" I kind of feel like I'm going to end up feeling the same way. Like, we don't know yet if we can have kids, and I think if it turned out I couldn't, I'd have a pretty hard time with the questions, considering that I really do want them someday. Not that I wouldn't adopt, which I think I would like to, but that comes with its own set of probing questions.

 

[Jill Hives]

People are always asking me whether we have kids and if we're going to have kids, which I think is an insensitive question when you don't know if a couple is able to have children (as far as I know, we could have children by the way).

Agreed.

 

[Squiggle]

I find it strange that people seem to think they have the right to ask about, or comment on, such personal aspects of another persons life.

I know couples who can't have children, I know couples who don't want to, I also know couples who just don't have any and if they don't tell me why then I'm sure as hell not going to ask.

I've got two married younger siblings with children and my youngest brother just got engaged. As a result a large number of relative strangers seem to feel that they have the right to make time-related comments about my unmarried and childless state.

I usually ignore them, but sometimes that's not enough of a hint.

 

[Pantone247]

being alive and not having kids is like going to Disney World and not getting on Space Mountain

 

[jane]

Yeah, I don't really mind if people ask if I have kids, or if I want them. But the ones who respond with, "Oh, that's a pity," or, "I'm sorry to hear that," or whatever, they get to me a little bit. The ones who say things that imply that I'm wasting my time on a career when I should be having babies, sometimes I like to imagine myself doing them harm.

Last night we got a fricking bollocking from someone who gave out to us both about the whole thing and swore that neither of my parents will EVER FORGIVE US if we don't start goign to church every Sunday NOW in preparation for when we have children. And that I'm not getting any younger and my career can wait. I just bit my tongue and passed the phone to Mr Jane.

That shit's just not on. Partly because yeah, I do wish I were ready, and it does sometimes make me really sad that I'm not able to do it yet, financially or otherwise, and I wish I were, and I don't appreciate the accusations that I'm selfish and 'overly ambitious'. Because it's quite the opposite: I can't bring a child into the world until I'm ready to be devoted as a mammy, and some of the career choices I've made are very much related to my desire to have children at some point and to be able to spend time with them. Mr Jane, too, wants to be ready and to be able to be spending lots of quality time with them.

"I'm sorry to hear that" just makes me out to be some kind of failure.

I also kind of resent that there's a bit of a sense that getting married is a duty we're somehow fulfilling. Like we're less of a threat now. Threat to what? I still can't figure it out.

 

[egg_]

there's definitely a sense that a lot of people see not wanting children as just a phase that women grow out of

Based on reality. Girls claiming they were never EVER going to have kids was pretty common when I was in college, it's not something you hear so often when you're in your mid-30s and the few never-EVER girls who I still know are now mothers. I do know women ni their 30s (or beyond) in stable relationships who have no intention of having children, but they are in the minority.