dump (3 Viewers)

[mugwump]

my great-aunt used to tell me if i ate too many silvermints (fuck they were addictive) my blood would turn into water...i also believed her.

 

[rumpus]

I stand corrected on the pencil death thing......

I tried and tried to get bycicle warts but never succeeded....is it me?

Another classic was my mate Wil being asked when he was in school:

"Here, Wil, when you're married how much piss are you gonna put into your wife to make her have a babay"

his answer?

"All of it."

 

[snakybus]

ha ha

What about what you thought "wanking" was when you were a kid Rumpus

 

[rumpus]

Did you know that if you run around a church backwards six times saying the hail mary the devil appears over your bed and offers you a book of Tesco vouchers? I didn't till too late.

 

[#10-7]

you fucking wankers!
i just sniggered on a call to a large client and got in absolute crap cos of this fucking post.

pricks.

 

[mugwump]

rumpus (01 Feb, 2002 12:04 p.m.):

Another classic was my mate Wil being asked when he was in school:

"Here, Wil, when you're married how much piss are you gonna put into your wife to make her have a babay"

his answer?

"All of it."

Classic...

During one of our 'discussions about growing up' in religion class one of our more curious fellow pupils asked the teacher (a young priest fresh out of maynooth)

"Father, is it true that all twins masturbate at the same time, loike"
"I beg your pardon...don't ask stupid questions *****"
"No Father, seriously like, do they"

this exchange went on for a bit with the young priest getting fairly pissed off and young ***** got into a bit of trouble about this even though he was adamant that his question was a valid and earnest one...

Turns out the young man didn't have the brain power to differentiate between masturbate and menstruate...

 

[Anne OMalley]

A Chara,

Can't think of any more Tales from the Dark Brown Side right at the moment, but what I do have is a status report on a certain smell (hereafter, "Smell") currently permeating the office where I work.

Smell was discovered first thing this morning. An investigation as to the origin of Smell is currently under way. Some important facts with which all personnel should become acquainted:

(i) The office is on the top floor of a three storey building in the Georgian style - thus, probably dating from the 18th century. The condition of the sewage pipes is anyone's guess.

(ii) The office is above a fairly well-known Dublin cafe and gourmet sandwich bar. Naturally, fingers of suspicion are pointed at the proprietor, one "Paul", who may or may not have stewed a turd in his kitchen over night.

(iii) This may have been accidental. Nevertheless, many of the employees where I work are making alternative plans for lunch.

(iv) Apart from the unmistakeable aroma of cooked shit, Smell comprises two other components: a burnt thing and a damp thing.

(v) It is possible that the damp thing was there already. More worryingly, it is also possible that the burnt thing was introduced deliberately by "Paul" as a smoke-screen with the express purpose of disguising Smell. (Remember: a man's livelihood may be at stake.)

(v) Despite the insidiousness of Smell elsewhere in the building, the air in the jax is, comparatively speaking, that of an Alpine morning. Proof: employees visiting jax for their morning movement are heard to whistle the theme from "Heidi" (by Lee Holdridge).

(iii) An elderly man lives in a garrett at the top of the building. He has the face of one fond of sausages.

Investigations continue. Update to follow.

Yours etc.

chrith (01 Feb, 2002 11:45 a.m.):
dear ms o'malley,

i enjoy that story terribly. i have the hangover worthy of a silver-back after finding a crate of bourbon in the wreckage of plane in the congo and would be overjoyed if you had any other special stories that will help me through the day.

mise le meas

criostior mac an bhreithimh

 

[chriths]

ah anne, thank you so much. i await more details with baited breath. brilliant.

there's a comforting echo of myles in your words. delightful.

 

[rumpus]

Did you you all people from outside dublin eat babies and drink ...emm....... babies.

 

[Dan]

I was walking down townsend street once and saw a shit on top of a wall with a cocktail umbrella stuck in it and a glass of orange juice right beside it..

 

[Anne OMalley]

Do you reckon it was on holiday?

Dan (01 Feb, 2002 01:25 p.m.):
I was walking down townsend street once and saw a shit on top of a wall with a cocktail umbrella stuck in it and a glass of orange juice right beside it..

 

[Squalch]

last summer i was sharing a small apartment with some girls in america. the toilet kept backing up and being the man of the house i had to unblock the fucker. this went on everyday for a week. i mean im talking shit fueled mayhem here. the plunger was getting shit up from weeks previous. everyone was blaming everyone else for the problem (some of the girls got embarrased) and we ended up having to use the toilet for pissing only. so one day while in work i had to go to the toilet. i went in and went about my business as usual. when i finished i turned and flushed. well jesus christ didnt the bastard fill up and then over then out on to the floor. i opened the door and watched in horror as it leaked out and filled the entire toilets.i decided to get the fuck out of there and legged nearly slipping on the wet. the toilets were closed the next day and i was afraid to shit for weeks. does anyone know what coould have caused my cement-like shit?

 

[Anne OMalley]

Simple: the ingestion of concrete mix.

Squalch (01 Feb, 2002 01:37 p.m.):
last summer i was sharing a small apartment with some girls in america. the toilet kept backing up and being the man of the house i had to unblock the fucker. this went on everyday for a week. i mean im talking shit fueled mayhem here. the plunger was getting shit up from weeks previous. everyone was blaming everyone else for the problem (some of the girls got embarrased) and we ended up having to use the toilet for pissing only. so one day while in work i had to go to the toilet. i went in and went about my business as usual. when i finished i turned and flushed. well jesus christ didnt the bastard fill up and then over then out on to the floor. i opened the door and watched in horror as it leaked out and filled the entire toilets.i decided to get the fuck out of there and legged nearly slipping on the wet. the toilets were closed the next day and i was afraid to shit for weeks. does anyone know what coould have caused my cement-like shit?

 

[Nose]

On the subject of cooked shit, I was in bording school and we too had a phantom shitter, the prick\legend used to shit in peoples suitcases, in sinks, under bed sheets etc. One time he actually shat down the back of a radiator, and at 5:30 when the heating came on in the dorms the smell was only divine...

 

[snakybus]

Turns out the young man didn't have the brain power to differentiate between masturbate and menstruate...

hahahahaha

that's brilliant

so emm...what is the difference, exactly? Is there a difference?

 

[Anne OMalley]

I wonder did God shit the Leaving Cert?

Nose (01 Feb, 2002 01:58 p.m.):
On the subject of cooked shit, I was in bording school and we too had a phantom shitter, the prick\legend used to shit in peoples suitcases, in sinks, under bed sheets etc. One time he actually shat down the back of a radiator, and at 5:30 when the heating came on in the dorms the smell was only divine...

 

[#10-7]

i used to go out with a classy bird who used always get pretty locked. it became a ritual that when she and i would leave the pub and wander the long way up to her house she'd piss in the same lane everytime she really had to.
so one fateful night she wandered out of the lane and after a minute she said she'd lost her purse. she told me to wait, she went back in and after a while she couldn't find it, i went into the lane to help her look.

there sat a great steaming brown turd and the look of shame on her face will never be forgotten.

 

[egg_]

My brother once shat into my glass of orange squash when I was out of the room. A big long one that sat on the bottom of the glass and curved up just peeking over the surface of the liquid

I'll stop thinking about it now if you don't mind ...

 

[Stuart Little]

toilet humour

I've posted this tale before here, but it's short, so what the fuck:

Mate o' mine, he's in the airport about to jet off to barcelona with a gang o' pals.
Someone cracks a funny joke, he bursts out laughing, simultaneously shitting his knickers. Excuses himself discreetly, goes to loo, hides jocks behind the toilet. Proceeds with holiday.

 

[Anne OMalley]

UPDATE ON SMELL

Smell has worsened to the extent that employees have been shunning the time-honoured convention known as lunch. There have been reports of shock, memory loss, mild puking. The composition of Smell appears to have shifted in favour of the faecal. Opinions differ but it is now reckoned at 8 parts shit, 1 part burnt meat, and 1 part neglected drains.

Some staff-members are holding hands, others are whistling. Tensions mount nonetheless. Vague theories as to the origin of Smell abound. Some attribute it to the weather, others to the impending election. Two members of female staff have been imbuing the situation with gender ramifications, some of them vaguely accusatory. There are rumblings of discontent until someone points out that the unlovely business of uncontrollable excretion is far from being a province solely inhabited by the be-mickeyed sex.

A small-headed man is seen hang-gliding over the building with a camera.

Investigation continues. Update to follow...