Tell me a joke thread (1 Viewer)

[seanc]

Proctomotrist.

She meant proctologist, it's not a joke, just needed it committed to record.

 

[seanc]

Proctometrist I meant. Still funny.

 

[seanc]

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flat mate.

 

[Frank Discussions]

What’s the name of the man who invented the transparent bra?

Seymour Diddy.

[a good 40 year+ vintage there]

 

[seanc]

Another one where I can't think of anywhere else to put it:

A chat group, work related, someone said "That guy is so tight he only ever breathes in".

Which reminded me of another one from a while ago:
"He's so tight when he opens his wallet the queen squints".

 

[seanc]

You two always get along! It's because you're both so contrarian!

Well, we do get along, but we don't always disagree.




This conversation never happened, just some shit in my head.

 

[Frank Discussions]

A man goes in to the doctor wearing cellophane underpants.
The doctor says, “I can clearly see yer nuts”

 

[pete]

No mention of his subsequent career with Google.

 

[Kermit McDermott]

What AC / DC song did the landlord sing to the tenant who noticed that there was a very long stairs up to the bathroom?

"ITS A LONG WAY TO THE TOP IF YOU WANNA FILL THE BOWL"

 

[seanc]

You shall be executed for being spies!

But we're just sheep herders?!

Well then, you shall be executed for being shepherd spies!


Russ Abbot told it better apparently.

 

[seanc]

What's the difference between bulls and orchestras?

Bulls have horns at the front and arseholes at the back.

 

[sleepy]

I've got a Polish friend that works as a sound engineer.
And I've got a Czech one too.

 

[sleepy]

This year's Christmas number 1 is 'Duvet know it's Christmas?'
I think it's a cover.

 

[Kermit McDermott]

What foo fighters song did Pablo Escobar used to sing when he was in his back garden?

"THERE GOES MY HIPPO, WATCH HIM AS HE GOES"



* the timeline might be off on this one, but apart from that....

 

[seanc]

The farmer noticed that the rooster in his coup was aging.
So he went and got a virile young rooster to keep the hens happy.

Young rooster comes in like he's cock of the walk.
So old rooster says "if you want to be head rooster, you have to beat me in a race"
"Yeah old man, don't care"
"But, I'm old, so give me a head start"
"No problem, I'll win anyway", says the younger.
So old rooster starts, then the younger. Just as the younger was right behind the older they run past the farmers kitchen window.

The farmer gets up, grabs his shotgun, and shoots the younger.
He sits back down and and says to his wife "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've shot this week".

 

[Frank Discussions]

I've got a Polish friend that works as a sound engineer.
And I've got a Czech one too.

I’ve upgraded this from thumbs up to winner on second viewing as I lol’d twice.

 

[sleepy]

What did the drummer name his 3 daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3

 

[seanc]

Why did the T-Rex use a snake instead of a flannel to wash himself?

He just wanted a meatier shower.

 

[pete]

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[Kermit McDermott]

What Bonnie Tyler song did Pablo Escobar used to sing when he was thinking about what other animals he needed to get for his zoo?

" I NEED A HIPPO. I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A HIPPO UNTIL THE MORNING LIGHT"