mothers.just how bad is it. (1 Viewer)

[Dromed]

There was actually a muslim woman in the hospital that arrrived at the same time as me at 2.30am. She was literally about to have the baby on the floor in reception, dressed in full burka, her eyes barely visible, and hadn't a word of english. There was another woman with her dressed same, who was manhandling her a bit and shouting. The nurses couldn't make any sense out of them and they arrived without so much as a file. Looked like they'd just been dropped at the door. Now that's SCARY.

 

[nlgbbbblth]

This is a deadly thread. The new board is deadly.

As a man, I'm obviously spared the pain of childbirth, but i would be terrified that anything would happen my wife or the baby during the birth. Did any of you dads here have that type of fear to excess?

Yes.

Ours was a 17 hour labour. We went in at 1.00am but the epidural wasn't administered until around 8.00am. The reason for the delay was that the anaesthetist was occupied for hours with an emergency labour.

At around 7.30am I was asked to leave the ward for a break and when I was in the waiting room I saw an obviously devastated group of people sitting around making phone calls. I knew the father to see but he didn't recognise me. It was clear that something terrible had happened. That did not help my already anxious mood - I started to worry about us.
I subsequently found out from somebody at work that the baby was premature and died. Apparently it was touch and go for the mother too but she came through it.

Naturally there is a level of anxiety for the Dad; you have to trust the nurses / midwives etc. I found myself looking away for most of it. The most distressing thing is hearing your wife / partner cry and pain and be able to do nothing for them bar hold their hand.

 

[jane]

Actually, it's not babies that scare me, it's the fact that they're only babies for a short time, and before you know it, they're teenagers and they're all grown up, and all parents fuck up their kids.
quote]

Nah that's not true. You shouldn't doubt yourself that much. You'd be amazed what having a kid will do for your neurosis..you're too fuckin busy to be thinking about existential bullshit cos you've a billion other things to think about!

My labour was mild compared to most. But if i found it hard to get my head around trying to stay in control of the situation when really you have absolutely no control over what's about to happen. So yeah physically it's very tough but i think mentally and emotionally it's even tougher. I was pretty calm until they handed me my son and then went into shock - laughing and crying hystrically at the same time. It's totally surreal cos you've been talking to and aware of this little soul growing inside you for nine months and finally you're face to face looking at each other and it's pretty overwhelming.

Dude, I'm on the verge of emotional overwhelm even just THINKING about someone handing me a little person that just came out of me -- I can't imagine what I'll be like when/if it actually happens. Good lord, a wee little human! It's the simplest thing in the human world, and yet, no matter how much they medicalise it, scientize it, or fashion it all up, there's just no way for it to not seem utterly miraculous and beautiful. I'm getting all bleary-eyed just writing this.

But yeah, actually, one of my really good friends said that motherhood kind of sorted out some of her neurotic tendencies just by default. It made her realise that you can only control what you can control, and there just isn't time to worry about the rest of it. That's really reassuring. She also pointed out that you get 8 months or so (depending on when you find out you're pregnant) to sort out what's going on in your life, it's not like you find out you're up the duff and the baby arrives tomorrow and you're just not prepared. Also reassuring. I won't be ready in 10 months or whatever, but just knowing that you have almost a year (which I'm sure flies by insanely quickly) to get shit together even after you've conceived -- it's just good to have pointed out.

 

[Wölflinge]

a nigerian woman across from me pierced her baby's ears on the second day.
the staff were horrified.

 

[Corey]

Everybody be cool. Be cool everybody.

 

[Dromed]

a nigerian woman across from me pierced her baby's ears on the second day.
the staff were horrified.

Holy shit!!

 

[jane]

Yes.

Ours was a 17 hour labour. We went in at 1.00am but the epidural wasn't administered until around 8.00am. The reason for the delay was that the anaesthetist was occupied for hours with an emergency labour.

At around 7.30am I was asked to leave the ward for a break and when I was in the waiting room I saw an obviously devastated group of people sitting around making phone calls. I knew the father to see but he didn't recognise me. It was clear that something terrible had happened. That did not help my already anxious mood - I started to worry about us.
I subsequently found out from somebody at work that the baby was premature and died. Apparently it was touch and go for the mother too but she came through it.



Naturally there is a level of anxiety for the Dad; you have to trust the nurses / midwives etc. I found myself looking away for most of it. The most distressing thing is hearing your wife / partner cry and pain and be able to do nothing for them bar hold their hand.

OMG, this makes me want to cry. Something on this board is going to make me cry before the end of the day.

My cousin almost died in childbirth, and it's a real risk for me if I don't get a decent medical team. It's the sort of thing that I will have to deal with, too, but the idea that the father will have to be on the outside of it, not being able to do anything for me or the baby (though the risk is mainly to me, and not to the baby/foetus) -- I'd almost feel worse for him than for me. That must be the most awful feeling in the world to hear the screaming and not be able to make it go away. There's nothing harder than seeing someone you love in pain and not being able to stop it.

 

[deedee]

Actually, it's not babies that scare me, it's the fact that they're only babies for a short time, and before you know it, they're teenagers and they're all grown up, and all parents fuck up their kids.
quote]

Nah that's not true. You shouldn't doubt yourself that much. You'd be amazed what having a kid will do for your neurosis..you're too fuckin busy to be thinking about existential bullshit cos you've a billion other things to think about!

.

Totally true. The days of lying on your couch worrying and wondering about life are well and truly gone when babs comes along. Jaysus, I didn't dress myself for the first few months let alone think about anything.

 

[Dromed]

Also reassuring. I won't be ready in 10 months or whatever, but just knowing that you have almost a year (which I'm sure flies by insanely quickly) to get shit together even after you've conceived -- it's just good to have pointed out.

I felt like i was pregnant for about ten years to be honest...i only went about 3 days over but i thought it was never going to end. It got to the stage where i was afriad to leave the house. I was dreaming about being stuck in traffic and not making it to the hospital in time..but i think that's pretty normal ha ha!! In fact, you have pretty crazy dreams when you're pregnant.

 

[Wölflinge]

and then when you're in the hospital, all you keep thinking about is "oh my god, i hope i don't drop her!"

 

[deedee]

. That must be the most awful feeling in the world to hear the screaming and not be able to make it go away. There's nothing harder than seeing someone you love in pain and not being able to stop it.

Yeah, my fella said it was the most helpless and insignificant he has ever felt. He just couldn't do anything apart from sit there and listen to me lowing like a cow and feel scared. Poor thing. Some of the nurses/ midwives were bints and wouldn't even talk to him or make eye contact with him which was really mean. The midwife who delivered my daughter was scrumptious though and we both fell in love with her upon the safe and eventual arrival of our baby.

 

[Dromed]

Totally true. The days of lying on your couch worrying and wondering about life are well and truly gone when babs comes along. Jaysus, I didn't dress myself for the first few months let alone think about anything.

Ha ha i know!! Or forgetting to check is there puke on your shoulder before you leave the gaff....I think the first few times you get back out with your mates you feel weird cos they're talking about crap and you find yourelf realising how self-obsessed you were before baby came along - it can be hard to adjust if you're the only one of your circle with a kid. Did any of yous suffer from post-natal depression at all do you think?

 

[jane]

I felt like i was pregnant for about ten years to be honest...i only went about 3 days over but i thought it was never going to end. It got to the stage where i was afriad to leave the house. I was dreaming about being stuck in traffic and not making it to the hospital in time..but i think that's pretty normal ha ha!! In fact, you have pretty crazy dreams when you're pregnant.

Gah. NOOOOO! It's bad enough when I'm all, "Ooooh, I look so fat! I'm all swollen and huge and disgusting!" And then the, "I CAN'T GO POO!" Being pregnant will be like that times a million plus hormones. I will not be the sort of pregnant lady who is all curious about the changes in her body. No, I will be the, "WHY DOESN'T THIS SKIRT FIT ME ANY MORE AND DON'T TELL ME IT'S JUST BECAUSE I AM PREGNANT BECAUSE ALSO I AM FAAAAAAAT" and all, "GET THIS THING OUT OF ME ALREADY," etc etc. I will try very hard not to be, but I have a terrible, sinking feeling that I will not be fun. But at least it could make it easier for babydaddy to watch me suffer in the delivery room, as payback for nine months of having his, "Honey, you're not fat, you're just pregnant" words twisted on him by crazy pregnant lady. I still secretly hope that pregnancy will make me really zen, but I've been neurotic all my life, and I think that's just a crazy fantasy.


A friend of Mr Jane's actually did have a baby in the back of a car last week. Oops. Everything was fine, though.

Most of the mammies I know went way over with their first babies. My goddaughter was something like 3 weeks late. They nearly induced, but everything was really fine, and she just was taking her time.

 

[deedee]

. Did any of yous suffer from post-natal depression at all do you think?

I think I did for a few weeks but I'm not sure. I was so, so tired all the time. Breast feeding was so hard, my daughter cried constantly and my partner drove me insane. I just wanted to curl up somewhere and get away from everyone and everything. It was overwhelming. But then all of a sudden it all became more manageable. So maybe it wasn't real PND, just the initial shock of it all. I was also really sore and couldn't walk much so that was a nightmare especially when your mother and mother in law keep telling you to go for walks with the baby. FUCK THE FUCK OFF YOU INTERFERING BINTS. Ahem, you know what I mean though?

 

[deedee]

A friend of Mr Jane's actually did have a baby in the back of a car last week. Oops. Everything was fine, though.

Hah! I think I know who you are talking about. Amazing story!

 

[Dromed]

At the start I felt like a fat horrible cow cos no one can tell you're pregnant and just presume you've been at the pies..several times (!) plus you're tired and maybe a bit sicky too..but by the time I was properly bumped i was quite proud of it..in fact in a weird way you feel quite sexy cos you're body is pumped full of feel good hormones and there's so much extra blood pumping around various parts (!!) of your body.

 

[jane]

Hah! I think I know who you are talking about. Amazing story!

OMG! I don't know them at all, actually. I just heard the story from him and was like, "AAAAAH IT REALLY HAPPENS?! NOOOOOO!"

That's so funny, though. Ah, Ireland, world's biggest village.

 

[Corey]

Gah. NOOOOO! It's bad enough when I'm all, "Ooooh, I look so fat! I'm all swollen and huge and disgusting!" And then the, "I CAN'T GO POO!" Being pregnant will be like that times a million plus hormones. I will not be the sort of pregnant lady who is all curious about the changes in her body. No, I will be the, "WHY DOESN'T THIS SKIRT FIT ME ANY MORE AND DON'T TELL ME IT'S JUST BECAUSE I AM PREGNANT BECAUSE ALSO I AM FAAAAAAAT" and all, "GET THIS THING OUT OF ME ALREADY," etc etc. I will try very hard not to be, but I have a terrible, sinking feeling that I will not be fun. But at least it could make it easier for babydaddy to watch me suffer in the delivery room, as payback for nine months of having his, "Honey, you're not fat, you're just pregnant" words twisted on him by crazy pregnant lady. I still secretly hope that pregnancy will make me really zen, but I've been neurotic all my life, and I think that's just a crazy fantasy.

Jesus woman.

 

[jane]

Jesus woman.

I TOLD YOU I AM NEUROTIC. I AM EVEN NEUROTIC ABOUT BEING NEUROTIC. It's multi-layered. I've been working on it for years.

 

[nlgbbbblth]

It can be very hard for mothers when they bring the baby back to the house.

Support of family is important, but sometimes it can become overwhelming especially if there's a constant barrage of suggestions from people.

The fathers may feel powerless / useless but there's quite a lot they can do to help.

The whole breast-feeding thing is difficult. We found it hard going at the start especially but perseverence really does pay off.

It's very important to take time out afterwards - if you're employer grants it, good - but if not, take it anyway. Easier said than done obviously.