Dunno where this is from originally, I found it on prosoundweb. It's funny
Madonna - American Life - Warner Bros. 2003.
I've been writing this review site for more than seven years. I'll be the first to admit I took a couple years off in the middle there, but more or less one can kind of lie and say that I've been doing it for seven years. Lucky 13!!! Heh heh heh. Yes, and in all that time I've heard some truly horrendous, unlistenable records - records that rate at the very bottom of a metric 1-10 scale. Your Metal Machine Music, your Y Kant Tori Read -- heck, on this page alone, Madonna has scored a couple of 1s. But in all my years of reviewing - from the beginning of the 20th century clear through to the end of the 21st -- I never expected to come across an album with such a volative mixture of uncreative melody, embarrassing production and offensive, moronic lyricism that it would physically bust through the bottom of my scale and force my wife to design a graphic for "ZERO." After all, how would one go about getting a ZERO on a scale of 1 to 10? Genius that she is, Madonna has figured it out!
You know, a lot has happened since Madonna released her last shitty album. Let's see -- hmm. Well, there was that terrorist attack that killed a few thousand people in HER FORMER HOMETOWN. Yes there was that. Then there was that darned recession - STILL going on - that has left millions out of work while our president's business friends continue to steal more and more money for themselves. Oh yes! And then there was a war! A war in which we dropped bombs on the poverty-stricken and widowed many, many Iraqi women (killed some too). Throughout all this, we've been dealing with daily terrorist fears exacerbated by our monstrous administration and the five media companies that suck government cock every day of the year. This is a dangerous time to be an American -- and an even MORE dangerous time to live in a country that America doesn't like. Not only are you poor as dirt, but there's a good chance you're going to be buried under six feet of it within the next 12 months so Bush can keep our minds off of the economy he can't fix because he's a fucking retard.
So what does Madonna do? Well, let me put it this way -- you can tell me every fag, junglebunny and kike joke in the world and none of it is going to offend me anywhere NEAR as much as listening to some dumb rich cunt bitching and moaning about how much her life sucks for 50 fucking minutes. Before I delve into her poetry, let me preface this attack by saying that I certainly understand why an artist might choose not to address depressing social issues in their work. Entertainment is entertainment, after all, and lots of us turn to it for an escape from the disturbing reality we're experiencing. But that's not what American Life is. It is NOT escapist entertainment. It is Madonna presenting a series of dark, minor-key, UNHAPPY songs about how fake and plastic the entertainment business is and how it's not enough to make her happy. Hopefully I speak for the majority of Americans when I say BOO FUCKING HOO.
Let's start with track 1, "American Life." Aside from being almost inarguably the least catchy single Madonna has ever released, this song within the first thirty seconds makes it clear exactly how far out of touch Madonna is with real life. "Do I have to change my name? Will it get me far? Should I lose some weight? Am I gonna be a star?" THIS is American life in 2003? Who thinks like this now? Aside from the most narcissistic brain-dead failed actor, I can't imagine ANYBODY over the age of 13 seriously considering these to be important worries at this particular juncture in history. How about "Will there be any available jobs for me when I graduate college?" or "Will I ever be able to get out of this ghetto without being murdered by 'gangstas'?" or "Where is my family supposed to live now that I've been laid off and have no retirement money because the executives of my company stole all of it?"
But it gets much, MUCH worse later in the song, during the first of many unbelievably poorly conceived and humiliatingly executed raps performed by Madonna in a quite racist fake negro accent. "I got a lawyer and a manager, an agent and a chef," she brags. "Three nannies, an assistant and a driver and a jet, a trainer and a butler and a bodyguard or five, a gardener and a stylist..." before delivering the most horrifically thoughtless conclusion possible -- "Do you think I'm satisfied?"
Well, it must be nice to have the luxury to be UNSATISFIED with billions of dollars in the bank and people waiting on you hand and foot. Unfortunately, most of us actually have to work for a living - and many of us don't even have the opportunity to do that. How about asking yourself if your three nannies and assistant are satisfied? Or if your gardener and butler are satisfied? How about writing a song that doesn't include the word "I" at least forty times? Not this time. This is Madonna's time to whine about the trials of the rich -- which, I might add, is exactly what she did on Ray Of Light. And the most disturbing part is that she thinks she's speaking as a HUMAN. She's sure that she's one of US now. She has NO IDEA what being a person is like! How could she? She hasn't had a real problem in about thirty years! (My wife adds, "She hasn't had a decent SONG in about thirty years either!).
So what else does she offer on this magnum dopus: Next is "Hollywood," a quite obvious attempt to make excuses for her seemingly endless string of unsuccessful movies. "Everybody comes to Hollywood/They wanna make it in the neighbourhood/They like the smell of it in Hollywood/How could it hurt you when it looks so good?" Guess the critical reaction to "Swept Away" wasn't all she was expecting? Must be because Hollywood is cruel; couldn't be that she's a boring actress.
Next is "I'm So Stupid," which must be the tenth or twelfth song she's recorded about how materialistic and selfish she USED to be, and thank God she isn't anymore. Now she understands what's really important in life. That's why she feels the need to tell us this, over and over again. Almost as if it were a new IDENTITY that she was trying to slip into. Unfortunately, "honesty," "integrity" and "compassion" are not costumes that you can slip on and off like a bustier with gold-tipped nipples. And I'm sorry, no matter how many times she says it, I simply don't BELIEVE her when she claims, "I'm so stupid/Cause I use to live/In a tiny bubble/And I wanted to be/Like all the pretty people/That were all around me/But now I know for sure/That I was stupid." I'm not going to make a judgment call about whether Madonna is stupid or not -- but she is quite clearly as self-delusional as anybody else you're going to find in the entertainment industry. And what can you say about a person too dim to realize what even FRED DURST is able to figure out -- that American life has changed and celebrities at least have to make an effort to LOOK like they give a shit about other people?
Moving on, we come to another shallow introspection piece called "Nobody Knows Me." Well, first of all, as she has made evident for at least the past ten years of her career, there's not a whole lot to know. Monstrous ego, insatiable thirst for attention -- and that about covers it! And secondly, I don't suppose I have to explain to you exactly how it feels to hear this self-satisfied multi-billionaire sing, "I sleep much better at night/I feel closer to the light/Now I'm gonna try/To improve my life." I, I, I, my.
Pardon me one second while I count how many times Madonna uses first-person pronouns on this 50-minute release.
"American Life" = 62
"Hollywood" = 6
"I'm So Stupid" = 24
"Love Profusion" = 67
"Nobody Knows Me" = 68
"Nothing Fails" = 26
"Intervention" = 27
"X-Static Process" = 60
"Mother And Father" = 71
"Die Another Day" = 55
"Easy Ride " = 34.
Well, they say write what you know. And Madonna is all Madonna knows. Or cares about. So why shouldn't she refer to herself 507 times in 50 minutes? That's more than 10 times per minute. That means that Madonna is attempting to show that she is no longer selfish and one-dimensional -- by making a verbal reference to herself EVERY SIX SECONDS FOR THE ENTIRE CD.
