- Joined
- Dec 13, 2000
- Messages
- 4,073
A letter to the London observer from Terry Jones (yes, of Monty
Python).
Sunday January 26, 2003
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing
Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been
really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the
street.
Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both
give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty
for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to
his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well
hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I
know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass
Murderer.
I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first,
he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof,
why don't I go to
the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that
they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll
come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of
a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising
his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly
murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range
of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace.
But until recently that's been a little difficult.
Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to
do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!
And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is
the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one
certain
way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK
is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.
That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his
wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll
leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.
Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is
that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass
destruction
-even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification
for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing
Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by
eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim
because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know
when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But
then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of
terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want
to
eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have
already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a
future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective
until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims
might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do
would be
for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the
tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I
don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be
really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too
far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the
United States. That shuts her up.
Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good
enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give
the
whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand
over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and
interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely
and
say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.
It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to
what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.
Python).
Sunday January 26, 2003
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing
Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been
really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the
street.
Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both
give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty
for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to
his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well
hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I
know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass
Murderer.
I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first,
he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof,
why don't I go to
the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that
they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll
come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of
a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising
his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly
murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range
of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace.
But until recently that's been a little difficult.
Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to
do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!
And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is
the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one
certain
way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK
is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.
That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his
wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll
leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.
Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is
that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass
destruction
-even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification
for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing
Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by
eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim
because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know
when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But
then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of
terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want
to
eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have
already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a
future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective
until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims
might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do
would be
for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the
tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I
don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be
really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too
far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the
United States. That shuts her up.
Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good
enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give
the
whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand
over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and
interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely
and
say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.
It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to
what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.
