If Thumped were a cop show... (2 Viewers)

[Hector Grey]

now my body has been found in a seedy motel, head caved in, trews doon aroond me ankles, whores head in the bath. a seamy, unsightly end to a what could have been great career. "ever since they cancelled 21 thumped st, he went off the rails" the cleaning ladies whisper to one another. burt young reads my eulogy.

 

[jane]

21 thumped st

Fucking brilliant.

 

[Unicron]

Mrs B Haven: Hooker in the know/ Pastry Shop employee.

Surely she's the cop groupie that everyone on the force pulls a train on at the start and end of every shift?

Can I be the curmudgeonly widower who has lost the will to live and finds redemption at the bottom of a bottle but who pulls it together at the last moment to crack cases just as the perp is going to kill someone. I think I should be on the kidnap squad.

 

[Squiggle]

Can I be the curmudgeonly widower who has lost the will to live and finds redemption at the bottom of a bottle but who pulls it together at the last moment to crack cases just as the perp is going to kill someone. I think I should be on the kidnap squad.

That part's already taken... but I guess you could be the Walter Matthau to his Jack Lemmon

 

[It Will Never Last]

See all you coppers?

We're coming for ya'...

 

[Unicron]

I'll be the spare. I'll pop up when the guy who has my role mysteriously dies and enjoy the limelight I'm now bathed it.

 

[Space]

Can I be somewhere between Brian and Mackle? Perhaps something to do with stealing evidence from the drug squad lock up and selling it on to the crime kingpin.

 

[La La]

Can I be somewhere between Brian and Mackle?

their buttboy?

 

[carbide]

Excellent! I'm great with gadgets too.

I think for our first case we should have cameo's of Sgt Shaney and Carbide who hire us to clear Carbide's name once and for all after a murderer (perhaps the serial killer/design mogul) tries to turn the tables on her and frame her for the murder before she can expose him.

hire you out of your strong sense of duty, as nobody wants the no win-no fee payment in love dollars. 'a design for death', 'designs on death', etc?

we will get led down the wrong path by a tea leaf reader who turns out to be a wallpaper designer trying to divert us. she'll lure squiggle in with her collection of weegie prints, and sgt. shaney will be distracted by the old-timey sense of honour she incorporates into her act.

at this point i realise i'm not sure what shaney's gender is.

 

[Squiggle]

hire you out of your strong sense of duty, as nobody wants the no win-no fee payment in love dollars. 'a design for death', 'designs on death', etc?

we will get led down the wrong path by a tea leaf reader who turns out to be a wallpaper designer trying to divert us. she'll lure squiggle in with her collection of weegie prints, and sgt. shaney will be distracted by the old-timey sense of honour she incorporates into her act.

at this point i realise i'm not sure what shaney's gender is.

Sgt Shaney (aka Uncle Shaney), suddenly realises that said Tea Leaf reader is, in fact, Brian Conniffe of the Drugs Squad, in disguise - rendered almost unrecognisable by the removal of his beard. At the same moment, as I notice that my shoelace is untied and lean forward to remedy the situation, a crossbow bolt, perhaps intended for me, hits poor Brian square in the forehead... Carbide arrives on the scene about 30 seconds later to find out what is taking us so long... leading even me to wonder if HMD and I are going to wind up seriously out of pocket on this particular case.

 

[Denny Oubidoux]

this is exciting, isnt it! HMD isnt much use though, for a lead character. looks like the side kick might steal the show. perhaps you could ring jane for some quick split-screen advice on how to proceed? carry on...

 

[Denny Oubidoux]

at this point i realise i'm not sure what shaney's gender is.

some romance this is

 

[Mormon Nailer]

I missed a few pages there - Is there a box set coming out soon I can buy? Did Dennis Franz get the Emmy for his portrayal of Lester Freeman?

 

[Squiggle]

this is exciting, isnt it! HMD isnt much use though, for a lead character. looks like the side kick might steal the show. perhaps you could ring jane for some quick split-screen advice on how to proceed? carry on...

HMD is a very good Private Investigator and a master of disguise who is currently camoflaged as part of the wall paper... he steps forward and, while poor bc runs off to find a good lawyer to sue the producers for the short lived nature of his cameo and to find a good false beard maker until his own enviable facial hair grows back, he points to the unconvincing dummy that has replaced the corpse.

From the angle of the shot and the height at which the bolt entered the corpse, he explains to us mere amateurs, it is impossible that Carbide could have fired the shot. The murderer is at least 5'11" in height and as Carbide doesn't wear high heels that rules her out.

 

[carbide]

some romance this is

but it transcends binary categorisation! no crying game rip offs here. even if squiggle hadn't given the game away. you can still borrow my pearls for a 2007 jewel thief riff, if needed.

 

[Denny Oubidoux]

oh just pass me the spuds would you

 

[carbide]

HMD is a very good Private Investigator and a master of disguise who is currently camoflaged as part of the wall paper... he steps forward and, while poor bc runs off to find a good lawyer to sue the producers for the short lived nature of his cameo and to find a good false beard maker until his own enviable facial hair grows back, he points to the unconvincing dummy that has replaced the corpse.

From the angle of the shot and the height at which the bolt entered the corpse, he explains to us mere amateurs, it is impossible that Carbide could have fired the shot. The murderer is at least 5'11" in height and as Carbide doesn't wear high heels that rules her out.

luminol plays a vital role here, as all the set features devious wallpaper patterns design to mask blood splatters.

carbide's lawyer (if i'm doomed, do i get a reluctant buzzo?) hires a belt sander to remove enough from each foot to prevent that critical .5" safety margin in height from being as obvious on the day of court. she subsequently walks with a pronounced limp, which the jurors struggle to separate from the villain archetype.

 

[Squiggle]

luminol plays a vital role here, as all the set features devious wallpaper patterns design to mask blood splatters.

carbide's lawyer (if i'm doomed, do i get a reluctant buzzo?) hires a belt sander to remove enough from each foot to prevent that critical .5" safety margin in height from being as obvious on the day of court. she subsequently walks with a pronounced limp, which the jurors struggle to separate from the villain archetype.

Very dramatic! This is amazing.

Of course, walking with a pronounced stoop which you could put down to arthritis might have been a less painful option. But continue...

 

[Buzzo]

This is shaping up to be quite the tale.

if i'm doomed, do i get a reluctant buzzo?

Sorry dude, I'm all about exposing police corruption in this game. I can get you a retrospective pardon in 5 years after I've campaigned vehemently for an independent investigation into the entire force.

(it was at this point that Buzzo realised she could no longer separate schoolwork from her acting career and retired into obscurity, all the while continuing her illicit affair with Grissom)

 

[HMD]

this is exciting, isnt it! HMD isnt much use though, for a lead character. looks like the side kick might steal the show. perhaps you could ring jane for some quick split-screen advice on how to proceed? carry on...

Sorry lads, i was on a stake-out. I can't go into too much detail now, my life might be in danger if the wrong people read it.

Squiggle i'll pm you the info as insurance in case anything happens to me.