If Thumped were a cop show... (1 Viewer)

[Squiggle]

Sorry lads, i was on a stake-out. I can't go into too much detail now, my life might be in danger if the wrong people read it.

Squiggle i'll pm you the info as insurance in case anything happens to me.

Welcome back boss!

 

[HMD]

ok here's what i can tell you. I've under-covered a rock memorabilia smuggling ring. i can't say who's involved but it's big, bigger than thumped. If all goes to plan amongst other things i maybe able to reunite the drummer from def leppard with his arm.

 

[Squiggle]

Great work! That was time well spent.

Are any "Boss" impersonators implicated? I also have my suspicions about a certain Jim Rockford wanna be... dodgy characters...

In the mean time we have totally neglected to investigate the circumstances of the untimely death of star of 21 Thumped St, Hector Grey... we were afraid to tackle it by ourselves. Carbide and I were a bit squeamish about the "trews doon" condition of the corpse and we were also fearful that Sgt Shaney's dog might give in to her wolf ancestry and interfere with the evidence.

There was also an appearance by two cantankerous old men, one of whom was making a cameo from some show of his own, but we snubbed them.

 

[Denny Oubidoux]

Great work! That was time well spent.

Are any "Boss" impersonators implicated? I also have my suspicions about a certain Jim Rockford wanna be... dodgy characters...

In the mean time we have totally neglected to investigate the circumstances of the untimely death of star of 21 Thumped St, Hector Grey... we were afraid to tackle it by ourselves. Carbide and I were a bit squeamish about the "trews doon" condition of the corpse and we were also fearful that Sgt Shaney's dog might give in to her wolf ancestry and interfere with the evidence.

There was also an appearance by two cantankerous old men, one of whom was making a cameo from some show of his own, but we snubbed them.

have you cleared carbides name yet? im not sure...

 

[Squiggle]

have you cleared carbides name yet? im not sure...

I'm only the sidekick... now that HMD PI is back he'll sort that... but we know for sure that she wasn't involved in the murder of the ex teen heart throb as she was with you trying to determine your gender. This romance between you two is severely lacking in the sexy results HMD promised for this show... for shame.

Maybe I should have some flashback scenes of visits paid to me in Boarding School by "Uncle" Shaney !ninjaaaa

 

[Denny Oubidoux]

I'm only the sidekick... now that HMD PI is back he'll sort that... but we know for sure that she wasn't involved in the murder of the ex teen heart throb as she was with you trying to determine your gender. This romance between you two is severely lacking in the sexy results HMD promised for this show... for shame.

Maybe I should have some flashback scenes of visits paid to me in Boarding School by "Uncle" Shaney !ninjaaaa

hes too caught up in this rock memorabilia business. in the meantime i think i carbide and i should go into hiding in armenia. giz a shout when theres some movement on the carbide thing - we can have a split screen telephone call.

 

[Squiggle]

Split screens are essential... in the mean time will you two please work on your on-screen rapport... we need too see more sexual tension here before ratings plummet! Otherwise we'll have to ressurect State Prosecutor Bella and introduce her "gay for Jane" tendancies - and that would just be messy since she was last seen trying to kill me... wait a minute... I think I just solved the BC murder case... and cleared Carbide!

 

[carbide]

hes too caught up in this rock memorabilia business. in the meantime i think i carbide and i should go into hiding in armenia. giz a shout when theres some movement on the carbide thing - we can have a split screen telephone call.

er, perhaps not armenia. i was also coincidentally and unrelatedly present during a turkish visit there a wee while ago, and people got the wrong idea. you understand.

romania? your dog's werewolf relatives might put us up for a bit.

 

[jane]

er, perhaps not armenia. i was also coincidentally and unrelatedly present during a turkish visit there a wee while ago, and people got the wrong idea. you understand.

romania? your dog's werewolf relatives might put us up for a bit.

Well, Romania it is perhaps, but a hapless Chief Avernus demands justice and sends the SWAT team to Armenia (he wasn't listening very closely to the tip-off, being totally absorbed in the episode of Judge Judy he was watching in a hand-held TV under his desk) to track Shaney down.

The whole scenario is done in split screen, Shaney having a lovely holiday in Bucharest and the SWAT team going absolutely mental in Armenia, running around in their SWAT gear, creeping around corners and busting out only to find themselves pointing their guns at fellow SWAT members. Meanwhile, Shaney is just sort of walking around Bucharest in his tweed coat and pork pie hat, hands clasped calmly behind his back like a gentleman contemplating how an ornamental garden resembles the order of the universe.

The SWAT dudes go rapelling down the side of a building and then get the shit kicked out of them in the marketplace for kicking over a table full of figs, and meanwhile, on the other screen, there's Shaney. He walks slowly up the avenue to Ceaucescu's palace and stands in front of it, looking up with a subdued sense of awe. Nothin' doin', Shaney, just walking and looking, occupied with thoughts of Eggs Benedict at the Grand Hotel.

The SWAT team are in hot water -- literally! They've been captured by a local rock memorabilia smuggler and have been tied together like a bundle of sticks, and are suspended over a giant vat of boiling vinyl, the collective shriek like that of a thousand banshees, if banshees were made out of police.

The screen then splits into three, the third section shows Avernus a superman cape worn over a dirty linen suit, banging his fist off the squadroom table, shouting, "I SAID SALT AND VINEGAR, MOTHERFUCKERS!" and really going off on one.

Just then, everything stops in all three screens, just for a moment. Then, in the Bucharest screen: the click of a camera, the rumble of a sewer grate opening, the click of Shaney turning around to look back at the palace. He squints and looks up at a window. Is that....it couldn't be...waving from a window high up in the palace...no....it is! Mackle!

"Shaney!" he looks straight at the camera, and who peeks out from behind it but...SQUIGGLE! And then the street grate is opened, and a bespectacled head emerges with a grin and a t-square -- CARBIDE! The four erupt into laughter and Shaney says, "Eggs benedict, anyone?"

"Don't mind if I do," says Squiggle, as she lowers her camera with one hand and links arms with Shaney. Carbide dusts herself off and links with Shaney's other arm. The three stop, the ladies wave to Mackle, who waves back, and with a classy nod from Shaney, they head in the direction of the Grand Hotel.

The closing shot is of them walking off silently, Avernus still pounding his desk, the shrieking of the SWAT boys, the cackle of the Turkish Armenian rock memorabilia lord blend with perfect sound editing into a VO of me singing Delta Dawn like the drunken harridan I have become...and the episode ends on a cliffhanger.

But! Just before the screen fades to black, a little roundel in the corner shows another scene. Brian Conniffe gets up from a card table, puts on his beard, looks to camera and smiles.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!?

 

[Corey]

Cut to Coreys bar.

Osama Van Halen and Lefty frizzell are washing down their days work with a couple of tall ones. Lefty's peckish.

"Hey Corey, how's about some nuts over here?"

"You want nuts? This is nuts!"



Cue laughter.

 

[Denny Oubidoux]

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!?

over food in the grand hotel i admit to carbide and squiggle that im baffled as to how mackle escaped from portlaoise prison and ended up in the palace here in bucharest and also that i'm slightly perturbed to see the two ladies closest to me are in fact on waving terms with him. i also explain that ive heard rumours about the goings on in armenia but have absolutley no idea why chief avernus and his swat team are after us or of what brian coniffes mysterious reappearance means. this is all met with silence from squiggle and carbide. carbide excuses herself and runs to the ladies without looking at me at all. feeling dejected i take the opportunity to confide in squiggle (while carbide is away) that i have received an anonymous phonecall on my portable telephone from a man who claimed that while i was off sightseeing and carbide was supposedly off shopping she was infact off procuring young ladies to smuggle illegally back to ireland, presumably for use in a new sex and crime empire being built in mackles absence. with our relationship already on the rocks im reluctant to raise these concerns directly with carbide but perhaps squiggle could investigate?

 

[jane]

over food in the grand hotel i admit to carbide and squiggle that im baffled as to how mackle escaped from portlaoise prison and ended up in the palace here in bucharest and also that i'm slightly perturbed to see the two ladies closest to me are in fact on waving terms with him. i also explain that ive heard rumours about the goings on in armenia but have absolutley no idea why chief avernus and his swat team are after us or of what brian coniffes mysterious reappearance means. this is all met with silence from squiggle and carbide. carbide excuses herself and runs to the ladies without looking at me at all. feeling dejected i take the opportunity to confide in squiggle (while carbide is away) that i have received an anonymous phonecall on my portable telephone from a man who claimed that while i was off sightseeing and carbide was supposedly off shopping she was infact off procuring young ladies to smuggle illegally back to ireland, presumably for use in a new sex and crime empire being built in mackles absence. with our relationship already on the rocks im reluctant to raise these concerns directly with carbide but perhaps squiggle could investigate?

As you recount this, the camera cuts to split screen, showing that it's really me with a funny vocoder thing, tipping you off. I've got a bottle next to me, and there's something gross on the wall by the phone, and my face is red from crying, but I'm giving it my all. (The ethical struggle between doing what's right in feeding Buzzo information for her corruption investigation, and staying loyal to my department, plus the terrible fate of my beloved partner JohnnyRaz, has driven me to drink.) You finish, and you expect Squiggle to look surprised, but she looks relieved more than anything.

She is one step ahead of you, and pulls out a USB key. Carbide comes back from the toilets, so Squiggle takes your hand to kiss it, slipping the USB key into your palm as she does so. This enrages carbide, but it's better for her to feel betrayed in love than for her to know what's really going on.

She shouts, "I'm so HUMILIATED!", picks up an egg-soaked piece of toast and wipes it on your face. "There!" she says, "Now we both have egg on our faces!"

She storms out. Of course, it was all a distraction ploy, the tantrum was supposed to keep you and Squiggle from seeing that a group of young girls was being led from the kitchen through the hotel restaurant and out the door, bound for the seedy underbrothels of Dublintown.

You slide the USB key into your pocket, assuming it must contain photographs. And it does, but not the ones you think.

 

[Squiggle]

Cut to two members of the rock memorabilia smuggling ring in Coreys, demanding nuts and drinking more than they should, and unwittingly, revealing all their future plans to HMD (disguised as a bar stool)...

Back at the Grand Hotel I have to break the bad news to Shaney that Carbide and I are responsible for Mackle's escape. While he was behind bars there was no way we were going to get seanc, the Mackledaddy, to come out of hiding. So, pretending to be associates of his Mum, the corrupt State Prosecutor, we managed to have him sprung by promising huge bribes which his Mother may or may not make good on - if she doesn't that solves one of my problems.

I explain to Sgt Shaney that I have reason to believe that the mind control experiments have continued unabated in spite of the exposee that La La and I won the Pulitzer for last season. This would explain Chief Avernus' stranger than usual behaviour... although the cape is normal for him.

Sadly, I have also discovered the cause of carbide's reluctance to pursue a romantic attachment... there is another man, almost certainly the same man who made the anonymous telephone call. Knowing Shaney's strong sense of honour her lover invented a lie that would be sure to change Shaney's feelings. Carbide had believed that her lover was dead, but in a private reading the tea leaf reader (Brian Conniffe in disguise) had revealed to her that he was alive and well, and living in Armenia. Her emotional departure from the table was brought about by the reminder of this revelation and fears for his safety.

 

[Squiggle]

Further investigation reveals that the call was not made by carbides lover, but by an associate of his, codenamed Elmo, I hope to discover Elmo's identity soon.

 

[Denny Oubidoux]

confused and distraught i flee bucharest by train and make my way towards the carpathian mountains hoping i will find solace there...

(curiously, as i pass the city reservoir i spy brian conniffe sitting on the bank with a mini gas cylinder, a bunsen burner and a beaker of chemicals...)

 

[It Will Never Last]

You'll never take me alive coppers!

 

[Squiggle]

(While the producers explain that this type of thing can happen when two different cop shows are running the same story-line simultaneously with the stars of each making cameo appearances in the other... the writers furiously try to resolve the confusion.)

In "The Heavy Metal PI" the story continues.

Shaney has fled, an emotional wreck, to the hills. HMD PI is still hot on the trail of the smugglers. Squiggle, left alone in Bucharest and feeling pretty vunerable knowing that Bellatrix may still be on her trail and that if Mackle realises who she is her life will be very short, flees to Prague to hide out in seedy jazz bars, drinking cheap gin and smoking skinny cigarettes until she can gather her wits.

 

[jane]

(While the producers explain that this type of thing can happen when two different cop shows are running the same story-line simultaneously with the stars of each making cameo appearances in the other... the writers furiously try to resolve the confusion.)

Didn't you ever see the episode of Law and Order where they joined forces with the people from Homicide: Life on the Street? That actually happened. I took my phone off the hook, cancelled all my plans, and drooled from excitement.

 

[Squiggle]

Didn't you ever see the episode of Law and Order where they joined forces with the people from Homicide: Life on the Street? That actually happened. I took my phone off the hook, cancelled all my plans, and drooled from excitement.

That was the inspiration - but the writers seem to have forgotten to consult with one another

 

[Denny Oubidoux]

[commercial break]

did anyone here watch dynasty? do you remember the very last episode of the last series (not the reunion series now...) and fallon and some little girl got stuck down a mine shaft with the murderous Grimes fellow who was hell bent on killing them except they didnt realise he was there too and they were more concerned that they were stuck underground and that nobody else knew they were there, and blake carrington was shot and the final shot showed him lying on the stairs and we didnt know whether he'd live or die and i think there was another life or death situation left unresolved too, and crystal had gone completely insane. that was a very daring way to end the show i thought. then they made those reunion episodes where crystal was sane, fallon and the kid were back up from the mine, blake was totally fine and alexis made friends with the carringtons and there was no mention at all of all the unresolved stuff from the last epsiode - it was all ignored.