I am smoking a fag!! (1 Viewer)

[Speed Racer]

Smoking is a bad thing. True, but nobody likes being called a moron for smoking do they? Coz its not true. The smartest people you'll ever meet can be smokers sometimes. Human nature is to self destruct, but enjoy the ride. Thats what smoking is. Almost Everything in this world that you can consume can kill you or make your life hell: cigarettes, booze, drugs, Fried foods, Chocolate, dairy products..... basically anything you can enjoy, which helps you escape from the mundane routine which life can become. If something feels good, then its bad for you. Well, not always the case. I think that you can consume all of these nasty things in MODERATION and scrape by without completely endangering your life. Consuming in moderation is quite hard for most people though. But you can do it, enjoy the bad things in life and have a laugh, once you know when to say when.

Fucking hell though, without having our fags, booze, drugs, fatty foods, life would be miserable....fuckin miserable! So fuck it, try a little of everything now and again. If you wanna quit smoking, a mate of mine said he took up swimming twice a week and it made his lungs reject cigarette smoke, he hasn't smoked in 4 years. Smoking reduces your lung capacity. So if you feel like smokin when you are out, start fuckin dancin, or running, something that makes you breathless. You won't wanna smoke.

And I'm afraid smoking does look kinda cool. Times are changing though, it wont be fuckin cool as soon as all smokers have to hang outside the pubs in the freezin cold. I smoke only when I drink, so thats about 10 marlboro lights a week. I still wanna stop. Sometimes.

 

[Knacker]

Originally posted by pee pee
my dad used to smoke in the shower.
which was pretty fucking cool.

My Ma smokes during sex.... allegedly. Or so Hector says.

 

[pee pee]

Originally posted by nlgbbbblth
I know someone who used light up on his way down from communion in the church.

As in walking down the aisle.

Is that cool?

thats *very* cool.
can i have his phone number?

 

[Knacker]

Originally posted by nlgbbbblth
I know someone who used light up on his way down from communion in the church.

As in walking down the aisle.

Is that cool?

Jesus smoked. His last words were "I'm fucking dying for a fag!!!!"

 

[Anne OMalley]

Not known for his singing voice, one of the few party pieces Jesus had was to smoke a cigarette through one of the holes in His side. He would hold the fag next to the hole and draw in a deep breath. Then He would exhale through His mouth.

He usually chose the left hole for smoking, as the right one was, more often than not, concealed by a sporran.

Jesus could also hold a cigar by placing it in one of His hand-holes or "stigmata", if you prefer (though Jesus Himself hated that term - for obvious reasons). A favourite at family gatherings, this one. He would stand around for a while with the thing sticking out the back of His hand, plumes of smoke coming up around His face. If nobody noticed He would start pretending to yawn, stretching His arms high over His head until someone spotted what was going on. Then everyone would laugh, and someone would clap Him on the back. "Well done, Jesus!" they'd say. "How does he do it?"

He usually chose the right-hand hand-hole for smoking. And you know why?

Simple. He was right-handed.

Originally posted by Knacker
Jesus smoked. His last words were "I'm fucking dying for a fag!!!!"

 

[Knacker]

Originally posted by Anne OMalley
Not known for his singing voice, one of the few party pieces Jesus had was to smoke a cigarette through one of the holes in His side. He would hold the fag next to the hole and draw in a deep breath. Then He would exhale through His mouth.

I'm glad you mentioned that. Jesus' notoriety more or less stemmed from his wonderful stage act where one was a one-man duet. While his larynx was blessed with a fabulous tenor voice, his hole (on the side) added a profound bass, giving dimension to such classics as "A Nation Once Again" and "Believe" (by Cher - who was a temptress at the time).
His debut performance, at a wedding in Canae, was understated but left a mark on all those who attended. Although he didn't take up singing for another year, he was an accomplished human-flautist/saxaphone. His friend, Larry Lazarus, would breath air into his mouth and use his various holes to play tunes. Indeed many people felt that they managed to transform mundane standards such as "'Round Midnight" and "My Funny Valentine" into classics.
In or around 31 AD, Jesus formed the seminal group, the Apostles. An ambitious project, he sought out men from far and wide, bringing in people such as the renowned vibraphonist Barthomolew, the unknown quantity John Bonham on drums, the solid Simon Peter on rhythm guitar and James Coburn on knives. Experimental in style, they breathed a new life into the Palestinian music scene, calling for more independence from the Roman-dominated charts. Jesus was very anti-commercial and was known to have thrown one particularly violent protest against people who manned a stall at one of his gigs.

But catastrophe struck when the Apostles were booked to play their biggest gig yet... in Jerusalem. Rumours were rife that Jesus had sold out... indeed, it was claimed that he even said "The Apostles are bigger than Jesus!". The band were shook a couple of days before the gig when Jesus announced to them at the Last Supper Bar and Grill that this would indeed be his last. He obviously foresaw the band falling apart, and was proved right when Judas signed up to the local version of Popstars. He was also proved right when rhythm guitaris Simon Peter denied to some fans outside that he played with the Apostles. He said that he was a musician, but was working on some of his own projects - such as a score for a film being made by his friend, Ray Lynam.

Despite the numerous set-backs, Jesus' final gig with the Apostles was a rip-roaring success. An epic set ensued, that went on for a total of six hours. So loud was the sound, that the roof of the temple cracked, and people said the earth moved for them.

Jesus' music career didn't end there though. Although many believed him to be dead and buried, he made a miraculous solo comeback. However, many of his fans have disowned him since he started taking up Christian rock.

 

[Anne OMalley]

Frankly, I think Peter's solo project has gone on long enough.

On a not unrelated matter, has there ever been a band called God? And if not, why not?

 

[God]

I'm glad you asked that. You can buy one of my E.Ps here:

http://launch.yahoo.com/album/default.asp?albumID=91661

 

[Anne OMalley]

On the ball as ever, sir.

Originally posted by God
I'm glad you asked that. You can buy one of my E.Ps here:

http://launch.yahoo.com/album/default.asp?albumID=91661

 

[krystal]

well he *is* omnipotent

and indeed, omnipresent

I bet he regrets giving the green light for the Omnipark however

 

[Anne OMalley]

God, while you're here, could you answer a question for us?

What is the exact nature of the relationship between you and Tony Quinn.?

Originally posted by kirstie
well he *is* omnipotent

and indeed, omnipresent

I bet he regrets giving the green light for the Omnipark however

 

[Pantone247]

Originally posted by Anne OMalley
God, while you're here, could you answer a question for us?

What is the exact nature of the relationship between you and Tony Quinn.?

that would be an ecuminical matter

 

[God]

Originally posted by Anne OMalley
God, while you're here, could you answer a question for us?

What is the exact nature of the relationship between you and Tony Quinn.?

Thank you for asking Anne. I came up with the idea for Heinz Weight Watchers after the success of my son's diet that lasted for 40 days and 40 nights. Jesus was busy with the tour of Palestine, and needed to detox. He lost three stone in a month and gained a greater life-focus... and a great tan.
But he did tell me that me that there needed to be more luxury foods for the average dieter such as himself. He said he was sick of eating locusts and drinking sand. We worked on some recipes for a while and we came up with a great range of foods for any person wanting to lose weight. Our aim was to take the sin out of eating.
We needed to get a distribution and Mr. O'Reilly approached us (through prayer). We liked what he had in mind, and it was he who suggested the Weight Watcher classes and lifestyle accessories. It was a win-win situation, so we could hardly turn the offer down.

 

[snakybus]

Hey Pantone did I leave my oily rags in the oblong circle?

 

[Keeror]

Originally posted by God
I'm glad you asked that. You can buy one of my E.Ps here:
http://launch.yahoo.com/album/default.asp?albumID=91661

Wow. I own those CDs. I never thought I'd admit that in public. Good band you put together there God. On paper anyway.

There's also The Godz, who were on ESP Disk. Which makes them cool.

 

[Pantone247]

actually.... I remeber seeing the box there, but I presumed it was empty and never paid it any heed, we got thrown out after a bit so I guess some greasy bar hand has them.

Here there was a huge scrap downstairs after you left, some guy decked the bar man and everybody ended up in a big heap on the ground, we had the best view from up there, all these heads who were just sitting around got up and started sticking the boot in to anyone that moved. Real Cowboy stuff. Deadly.

Nearly as deadly as Key's impromtu thereotical physics lecture

 

[Anne OMalley]

For an omniscient being, You're not great on the difference between Tonies Quinn and O'Reilly. Is it possible that as well as being omniscient, You are in fact omniguous?

Originally posted by God
Thank you for asking Anne. I came up with the idea for Heinz Weight Watchers after the success of my son's diet that lasted for 40 days and 40 nights. Jesus was busy with the tour of Palestine, and needed to detox. He lost three stone in a month and gained a greater life-focus... and a great tan.
But he did tell me that me that there needed to be more luxury foods for the average dieter such as himself. He said he was sick of eating locusts and drinking sand. We worked on some recipes for a while and we came up with a great range of foods for any person wanting to lose weight. Our aim was to take the sin out of eating.
We needed to get a distribution and Mr. O'Reilly approached us (through prayer). We liked what he had in mind, and it was he who suggested the Weight Watcher classes and lifestyle accessories. It was a win-win situation, so we could hardly turn the offer down.

 

[God]

Originally posted by Anne OMalley
For an omniscient being, You're not great on the difference between Tonies Quinn and O'Reilly. Is it possible that as well as being omniscient, You are in fact omniguous?

A little known fact about Saint Andrew is that he won a Tony for his portrayal of Jesus in "Jesus II: Resurrection"

 

[Santa]

People people people. Look, for once and for all, Tony Quinn does NOT exist.
And as for GOD, with Kevin Martin in them...Good band. Ho ho ho. Mrs. Claus and myself are quite partial to a bit of that of a cold evening. And there's a shit American band called GOD-THE BAND, which is a shit name, and a shit band. And a shit name.
But I digress...where was I?

Oh yes.

There's only one good smoking remedy, mr. Pantone. It's where you be a good boy for a year, then write a letter with all little drawings on coloured in with little crayons, asking me for my help. You send it up the chimney to me, and I arrive down on Christmas morning and punch you in your fucking throat every time you even think of having a cigarette. Just ask Anne O'Malley. "Easy Way To Stop Smoking" my fat bolix. I showed him.

 

[Theseus Mock]

Is Santa Pete?