Things your parents told you as a kid (1 Viewer)

[the bongo]

my parents expressed themselves with bicycle chains and dank cellars.

 

[brianoak]

Not to talk to strangers.Which funnily enough I do here everday

 

[La La]

ah yes. now i remember. mum used to tell me that if i swam out too far into the lake at Glendalough, i'd be sucked into a black bottomless hole, and I'd never get out.

a few months later we were down there and my Dad was over to visit. he took a dip in the lake and started swimming out to the middle. i freaked out big time.

that's brainwashing for you.

 

[The]

not to cross the road on my own, unfortunately i took this to the extreme. when I was in primary school my house was across the road from the school in a park so basically it was ten around ten steps from my front door( literally). My mum forgot to come over and collect me one day (yes she had to collect me) and I stood on the pavement opposite my house in the rain for around twenty minutes crying. I could see my mum through the front window cos she was on the phone. somebody had to stop and help me cross the road. when my mum answered the door she just started laughing at me. I'm telling you, I certainly wasn't laughing, most traumatic experience of my life. god living across the road from school was the jobm used to get up and 8.45 and be in school at 8.50. good times.

 

[La La]

not to cross the road on my own, unfortunately i took this to the extreme. when I was in primary school my house was across the road from the school in a park so basically it was ten around ten steps from my front door( literally). My mum forgot to come over and collect me one day (yes she had to collect me) and I stood on the pavement opposite my house in the rain for around twenty minutes crying. I could see my mum through the front window cos she was on the phone. somebody had to stop and help me cross the road. when my mum answered the door she just started laughing at me. I'm telling you, I certainly wasn't laughing, most traumatic experience of my life. god living across the road from school was the jobm used to get up and 8.45 and be in school at 8.50. good times.

im in no way mocking your trauma. but you description really made me HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[The]

I suppose I deserved to be laughed at but I was only following orders. the thing is I probably went upstairs, changed out of my school uniform and was running up and down the road five minutes later. Certain rules applied when it came to schools and roads. We've all seen the ads, all children that are killed by speeding cars happened to be wearing their school uniform at the time. Coincidence? I think not.

 

[La La]

true. isnt it funny though how your parents can make you believe such rubbish?

like when i was younger and mum told me that on christmas night, if i heard something in my room (where my stocking was) i was to keep my eyes closed. under no circumstances was i to open them. if i did, santa would go poof! and vanish into thin air, and i'd be left with a lump of coal. i cried myself to sleep every christmas night for years out of fear for catching santa delivering me my presents.

the cruelty.

 

[jane]

I used to hate having my ears cleaned out, so my mother told me there were baby ducks living in them. Every time she thought I needed a de-waxing, she'd tell me she just wanted to 'count the baby ducks'. She was great at keeping up the game, and I, being concerned for the welfare of the little ducklings, began to encourage her even more often to make sure the little fellas were okay.

What's funny is that, one, I wasn't really that gullible a child (like, I never properly believed in Santa because I couldn't work out the space-time continuum thing), but I believed this with all my heart. Two, it never really dawned on me that this wasn't true, so it wasn't until years later, when someone brought up the subject of baby ducks, that I realised it was all a big lie. I went to respond, "I used to have some baby ducks living in my ears," but had the realisation before I uttered the words. So really, without realising it, I probably believed this until I was in my late teens.

And now I do have baby ducks in my ears. Dressed as little refs, with little whistles in their beaks, etc (that's for you, Queen Buzzo).

I also know now that you're never supposed to stick a cotton bud in anyone's ear. Nothing smaller than your elbow, folks.

 

[pad]

I also know now that you're never supposed to stick a cotton bud in anyone's ear. Nothing smaller than your elbow, folks.

i am utterly convinced that my dad came up with that saying. that you should never stick anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.
he's a doctor and when we went on holidays up to donegal all the locals would come in and tell him about their various ailments and anyway one day one of the more alcoholic crazy locals (lovely man mind) came in and started talking to my dad, and started yapping on about his ears, but he was saying then that you should never stick anything smaller than your little finger in your ear, and my dad responded that you should never stick anything smaller than your elbow in your ear. we all found this hilarious, and this my friends is how the phrase was born.

my dad is also a magician and people say he looks like paul daniels, but he's way cooler than paul daniels.

 

[chickenham]

my mum, fed up with me spending ages in the bathroom, told me that if you sit on the toilet too long all your organs will slip out. on some weird mental level I still believe it...

Well, if you had a hernia in yr lower diaphrgm your rectum could prolapse. I've heard of it happening.

 

[chickenham]

I have a friend who was consistently fed hilarious nonsense as a child, by her mother. Every so often it would happen that she'd realise that another myth that she'd grown up with was a pack of lies.
The only one I remember:
Dogs wag their tails in the opposite direction south of the equator.

Stone brilliant!

 

[La La]

i just remembered another classic: it was one of these summers we were in Ireland and we all went on a drive down the country. Dad needed to pee so he pulled over and got out of the car to do his business. I, at the age of about 5 was HORRIFIED that he wanted to defile nature like that and I thought he'd end up kiling all the trees, etc. so mum goes "calm down, his wee is magic and it'll help a tree to grow."
on the way back on the same route, mum casually pointed out the window where we had stopped and pointed to a little sapling and goes "see?"
i actually believed my dad had the power to reforest the world in his pants.

fucks sake!!!!!!!!!

 

[Wheels]

"If you swallow your chewing gum, it'll stick to your heart." The concept horrified me too much to realise that it was impossible.

My Mam denies the following things:

Ever trying to hit me with the wooden spoon. I have definite memories of the feeling of it on my finger types as I covered my ass.

Giving me glasses of half milk half water when there wasn't enough milk left for a full glass. Bloody WWII babies.

 

[Osama Van Halen]

ALLAHQUAANNNDO!!! I WOULD HEAR AS I SAW HIM HEAD OFF TO WORK.

ALSO, SINCE I WAS A KID MY DAD HAS ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT MARY HARNEY IS "A HORRIBLE THING, JAYSUS"

ALSO..."NEVER VOTE LABOUR. DICK BLEEDIN' SPRING... SHOWER OF FU*&^%$#inbsbppthbbb*%$#&!!s...."

MY MAM HAS ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT MONEY IS FOR SPENDING. DANGEROUS ADVICE THAT I ENTHUSIASTICALLY PASS ON EVERY TIME I CAN. AND PRACTICE LIKE 90.

 

[Hector Grey]

ah the wooden spoon. it's all denied now, in a stalinesque flurry of revisionism. not one wooden spoon was raised against me. then why did i bury them all in the back garden, i'd ask. ha ha. Not a spoon in the house. Then there was this craze for plastic spoons. the owlwan broke a couple of them over my head, as it happens. great days.

also she told me, as a nipper, if i kept eating i'd explode. i was terrified. i though i would actually blow up. she claims years later that she said my trousers would explode. bollox. the kid knows what it heard.

in short parents lie, then they tell lies about the lies and call you a liar.

i can't wait to have kids. i'm gonna fuuuuuuck them up.

 

[The Schnapper]

"I will brain you if I catch ye doin that again"

 

[oh shit]

i had a plastic tractor thing that i used to pedal around the garden and crash into things, parts of it rusted and became quite dangerous so my parents trashed it on the sly, but they told me that my then two-year-old sister had actually stolen it and tried to drive it to newry to visit our grandparents, but had crashed it into the wall of the police station on the way into newry (possibly inspired by real-life provo events at the time)...

anyway there was this big splotch of paint on the wall of the station from a paint bomb, and for the next few years i'd give my sister a slap on the head every time we drove past it.

 

[egg_]

I have the wooden spoon we used to get threatened with as kids. It's all worn down flat on one side which makes it handy for getting at the corners of saucepans

 

[Lefty Frizzell]

I'm pretty sure i never got clathered with a wooden spoon probably because my hourly beatings were so severe they caused permanent memory loss.

 

[c0De_n1NjA]

My dad told me i could put glossy paper on my compost heap!