Office-Speak phrases you hate (1 Viewer)

[Catwoman]

"Marie, Mr Jones has soiled himself again, would you mind giving him a bath?"

I used to work in an old people's home.

 

[classic seanc]

"He's re-shifted the fecal paradigm"

 

[David Kronenbourg]

"He's re-shifted the fecal paradigm"

Well clean it up before the client arrives for god sake!

 

[Pedronimus]

JOHN: Let me ask you a question. When you go to the toilet, do you have an Armitage Shanks interface defecation scenario, or do you just have a shit?

 

[Froog]

i'm off to action the shit bowl, we'll touch base later.

 

[Lili Marlene]

compliance
that's breaking compliance
compliance won't be happy with that
etc.

 

[David Kronenbourg]

comply with this you bollixes
*grabs crotch area while giving the V sign*

 

[jane]

"Corporate Social Responsibility"

"synergies"

 

[classic seanc]

When I worked for a vampire recruitment agency they just wouldn't shut up about the stakeholders.

 

[Mitchum]

"I have still to drill into the process."

(I have no idea what you are talking about)

 

[Catwoman]

"He's re-shifted the fecal paradigm"

Quite.

"It's been a baptism of feces hasn't it?"

Actual quote from the manager after my first day working in the home.

 

[ratmonkey]

players in the ________ game

That's rap-speak.

 

[David Kronenbourg]

this thread has become very excrement orientated. working is shit i suppose.

 

[Super Dexta]

That's rap-speak.

tell that to the people who write systems analysis textbooks.

 

[billygannon]

In my last place of work, around the end of last year, the word "caveat" began to be used frequently.
It started off with one, or perhaps two, people using it in meetings.
Next thing it was everywhere.

"Billy... would you like a coffee?"
"Sure"
"I'll have to put a caveat on that coffee - we've run out of milk"
"That's fine".

I think caveat means something to do with a warning. But it didn't really matter.

I tried to introduce to increased use of "subsequent". It's a useful word and fits in nicely when you're trying to explain to a manager why their project has totally fucked up.

I kind of miss those Blue Sky days we had in those slick London Bridge offices.
If you're ever feeling down, have a Blue Sky session.

I used to have a boss who was obsessed with Chevrons. There was nothing that couldn't be explained through a series of Chevrons.

 

[ratmonkey]

tell that to the people who write systems analysis textbooks.

They're obviously written by rappers. I'd be all in favour of an office where communication is solely through the medium of rap.

 

[snakybus]

What about when friends and family use these expressions, outside their place of work? Disturbing.

 

[billygannon]

What about when friends and family use these expressions, outside their place of work? Disturbing.

Or in chat-up lines?

"Going forward I think we can achieve mutually beneficial synergies. Let's take this offline..."

 

[Jerry Twig]

They're obviously written by rappers. I'd be all in favour of an office where communication is solely through the medium of rap.

Say no more
http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/view/kornfeld

 

[classic seanc]

"uplift"

To move something. "We need to uplift these computers to the new office".
pointless.