bohs punks
Well-Known Member
oi polloi war stories:
What is the funniest thing that has happened to you whilst touring?
I think a lot of the funniest stuff that has happened to us wasn't actually funny at all at the time but
looking back on it you had to laugh. Like one time we ended up playing as the "guest live band" at this under 18s fashion show in some disco and to try to get one of our mates in free we had told the organisers he was a backing vocalist. We thought they would just forget about him but they thrust him onto the stage with a mic just as we went on and as he didn't know any of the words he just staggered around the stage shouting out "Oi Oi!", the sound was fuckin appalling too and the bouncers didn't let any of our mates in so we ended up getting chased off the stage by trendies
pelting us with soft drinks cans and had to escape out the back door.
Another time in Estonia we ended up getting attacked by most of the audience and had to
fight our way out of the venue - the only folk who helped were the two Russian bar owners who were these guys who looked like Josef Stalin and just picked up these big lumps of wood to lay into folk. As we were driving away in our bus most of the audience seemed to be surrounding it trying to kick fuck out of it - fuckin horrendous.
Then there are a few kinda funny things that happened due to our involvement in the "crusty" side of things where you get some of these folk who really seem to think that it is cool or punk
to be as filthy as possible - some of the stuff that goes on with these folk is unbelieveable. One time in London we were playing in this squatted dole office and were going to stay in another squat nearby after the gig but when we went there before we found out that the folk that stayed there were real crusty types who had some dog they never looked after and the stench of shit was everywhere. There was dogshit all over the house - it was fuckin horrible - even when we
were looking through the guy's LPs there was dogshit on some of the record sleeves! After the gig we decided to stay in the gig place but then so did half the audience and then they started playing this really clever game of throwing darts in people's heads so after seeing a couple of folk staggering around with darts imbedded in their skulls we thought it might be better to go back to the house. We knew there had been one bedroom with a mattress and no shit so we thought
we would kip there but by the time we got back there was a huge piece of shit right in the middle of the mattress! Eventually we found another room and although the stink of shit in there was really strong we couldn't find it anywhere so we had to just crash out in the end. Next morning when we got up to go though our guitarist picked up his guitar case to find he had put it down on top of this huge pile of dogshit so it was all over it! Oh dear oh dear, I honestly don't know how folk can live like that.
It is sometimes even worse in Europe - we played in this Polish squat last year and when Cam asked this guy there where the toilet was the guy just looked at him like he was really stupid and said "Toilet is everywhere" - ah, right, very hygenic. The worst had to be in Cologne in Germany though. When we arrived to play in this squat there afew years ago this guy offered to give us a guided tour and started by saying "There are three kinds of people who stay here - there
are the political people and they are ok, there are the punks and they are ok - and then there are - the people with body lice" and we were like "WHAT THE FUCK?!!" and then he took us into this big hall just full of piles of rotting clothes and blankets interspersed with buckets of something black. "Don't go too close - this is where the people with body lice sleep" he said. Turned out the piles of stuff were like their nests and the buckets were full of shit and piss and they were black cos the tops were covered with a layer of floating dead flies - you had to see it to believe it. What is it with some people? Another time some squat gig we were doing in Luxembourg got stopped after only three songs cos the neighbours got really fucked off after some of the punks started shitting on their lawns. We have a lot more stories about shit but I suspect you have had enough.
We have some funny piss ones though - last summer in Finland we were playing in this place with a couple of really annoying folk in the crowd so we had mixed up these bottles of brutal Finnish homebrew mixed up with our piss and just gave this to them to drink. Then at the end of the gig I had a bottle in my hand that I had pissed into cos there was no toilet there and one of these idiots came up to me and said "give me your cider" - I was trying to explain that it wasn't really for drinking but he just took it out of my hand and downed it in one - classic. Actually another time in Finland our old bassist was really drunk and pissed all over this guy who was passed out on the front of the stage. When he woke up he thought it was really cool and when we got home we got a letter from some woman who had been at the gig who said she was a piss fetishist and that it was one of the best things she had ever seen on stage! Shit, piss - ah yes, vomit next!
One time we played in Wales at this gig put on by a couple whose relationship was on the rocks and the guy was really depressed and got really really drunk all night. The next morning when we had to go he demanded that we go to the pub with him so he could buy us a drink before we left. We were all a bit uncomfortable with it as it was really a very sad situation and there wasn't really anything we could do to sort it out but he was so insistent that we went along with him and his six month old baby he was looking after. Well, he had had a two litre bottle of white cider for his breakfast so he was really out of it already and after a couple more pints he was swaying on his chair and burping and we were a bit worried about his ability to look after the baby in his arms when suddenly he just went "Fuck - BLEEUUURGHH" and puked up all over the poor baby - it
was covered in vomit - oh man, one of the worst things I have ever seen. I don't think this exactly comes under "funny" as in amusing though unless it is a case of you have to laugh or else you'd cry.
I dunno, I could go on for ages - like when we arrived too late for one gig in Poland and these kids at the gig said "don't worry, you can play in my girlfriend's house" and asked us to follow them in our van to this house. When we got there they said they didn't have the key but that she wouldn't mind them going in through the window so they went in and opened the door and we were taking the stuff in and then started to notice that the house looked pretty normal with pictures of Jesus
and Mary and so on and when we asked where his girlfriend's records and posters etc were the guy got really evasive and we realised they had just broken into any old house to do a gig in the living room - fuckin insane. Another time in Poland we had to stay in this cheap hotel after the gig and a load of the organisers were there as well and they started making these home made molotovs and testing them in the rooms. The next morning half the stuff was burnt to fuck and THEN they tell us that the hotel is run by the Polish Mafia and that we have to jump out of the windows to run away - fucking nutters.
Yeah, sometimes you have some close shaves but I honestly can't recommend touring enough - you are always guaranteed some craziness or other - it's fucking great - even if it might not always be quite so amusing at the time!
What is the funniest thing that has happened to you whilst touring?
I think a lot of the funniest stuff that has happened to us wasn't actually funny at all at the time but
looking back on it you had to laugh. Like one time we ended up playing as the "guest live band" at this under 18s fashion show in some disco and to try to get one of our mates in free we had told the organisers he was a backing vocalist. We thought they would just forget about him but they thrust him onto the stage with a mic just as we went on and as he didn't know any of the words he just staggered around the stage shouting out "Oi Oi!", the sound was fuckin appalling too and the bouncers didn't let any of our mates in so we ended up getting chased off the stage by trendies
pelting us with soft drinks cans and had to escape out the back door.
Another time in Estonia we ended up getting attacked by most of the audience and had to
fight our way out of the venue - the only folk who helped were the two Russian bar owners who were these guys who looked like Josef Stalin and just picked up these big lumps of wood to lay into folk. As we were driving away in our bus most of the audience seemed to be surrounding it trying to kick fuck out of it - fuckin horrendous.
Then there are a few kinda funny things that happened due to our involvement in the "crusty" side of things where you get some of these folk who really seem to think that it is cool or punk
to be as filthy as possible - some of the stuff that goes on with these folk is unbelieveable. One time in London we were playing in this squatted dole office and were going to stay in another squat nearby after the gig but when we went there before we found out that the folk that stayed there were real crusty types who had some dog they never looked after and the stench of shit was everywhere. There was dogshit all over the house - it was fuckin horrible - even when we
were looking through the guy's LPs there was dogshit on some of the record sleeves! After the gig we decided to stay in the gig place but then so did half the audience and then they started playing this really clever game of throwing darts in people's heads so after seeing a couple of folk staggering around with darts imbedded in their skulls we thought it might be better to go back to the house. We knew there had been one bedroom with a mattress and no shit so we thought
we would kip there but by the time we got back there was a huge piece of shit right in the middle of the mattress! Eventually we found another room and although the stink of shit in there was really strong we couldn't find it anywhere so we had to just crash out in the end. Next morning when we got up to go though our guitarist picked up his guitar case to find he had put it down on top of this huge pile of dogshit so it was all over it! Oh dear oh dear, I honestly don't know how folk can live like that.
It is sometimes even worse in Europe - we played in this Polish squat last year and when Cam asked this guy there where the toilet was the guy just looked at him like he was really stupid and said "Toilet is everywhere" - ah, right, very hygenic. The worst had to be in Cologne in Germany though. When we arrived to play in this squat there afew years ago this guy offered to give us a guided tour and started by saying "There are three kinds of people who stay here - there
are the political people and they are ok, there are the punks and they are ok - and then there are - the people with body lice" and we were like "WHAT THE FUCK?!!" and then he took us into this big hall just full of piles of rotting clothes and blankets interspersed with buckets of something black. "Don't go too close - this is where the people with body lice sleep" he said. Turned out the piles of stuff were like their nests and the buckets were full of shit and piss and they were black cos the tops were covered with a layer of floating dead flies - you had to see it to believe it. What is it with some people? Another time some squat gig we were doing in Luxembourg got stopped after only three songs cos the neighbours got really fucked off after some of the punks started shitting on their lawns. We have a lot more stories about shit but I suspect you have had enough.
We have some funny piss ones though - last summer in Finland we were playing in this place with a couple of really annoying folk in the crowd so we had mixed up these bottles of brutal Finnish homebrew mixed up with our piss and just gave this to them to drink. Then at the end of the gig I had a bottle in my hand that I had pissed into cos there was no toilet there and one of these idiots came up to me and said "give me your cider" - I was trying to explain that it wasn't really for drinking but he just took it out of my hand and downed it in one - classic. Actually another time in Finland our old bassist was really drunk and pissed all over this guy who was passed out on the front of the stage. When he woke up he thought it was really cool and when we got home we got a letter from some woman who had been at the gig who said she was a piss fetishist and that it was one of the best things she had ever seen on stage! Shit, piss - ah yes, vomit next!
One time we played in Wales at this gig put on by a couple whose relationship was on the rocks and the guy was really depressed and got really really drunk all night. The next morning when we had to go he demanded that we go to the pub with him so he could buy us a drink before we left. We were all a bit uncomfortable with it as it was really a very sad situation and there wasn't really anything we could do to sort it out but he was so insistent that we went along with him and his six month old baby he was looking after. Well, he had had a two litre bottle of white cider for his breakfast so he was really out of it already and after a couple more pints he was swaying on his chair and burping and we were a bit worried about his ability to look after the baby in his arms when suddenly he just went "Fuck - BLEEUUURGHH" and puked up all over the poor baby - it
was covered in vomit - oh man, one of the worst things I have ever seen. I don't think this exactly comes under "funny" as in amusing though unless it is a case of you have to laugh or else you'd cry.
I dunno, I could go on for ages - like when we arrived too late for one gig in Poland and these kids at the gig said "don't worry, you can play in my girlfriend's house" and asked us to follow them in our van to this house. When we got there they said they didn't have the key but that she wouldn't mind them going in through the window so they went in and opened the door and we were taking the stuff in and then started to notice that the house looked pretty normal with pictures of Jesus
and Mary and so on and when we asked where his girlfriend's records and posters etc were the guy got really evasive and we realised they had just broken into any old house to do a gig in the living room - fuckin insane. Another time in Poland we had to stay in this cheap hotel after the gig and a load of the organisers were there as well and they started making these home made molotovs and testing them in the rooms. The next morning half the stuff was burnt to fuck and THEN they tell us that the hotel is run by the Polish Mafia and that we have to jump out of the windows to run away - fucking nutters.
Yeah, sometimes you have some close shaves but I honestly can't recommend touring enough - you are always guaranteed some craziness or other - it's fucking great - even if it might not always be quite so amusing at the time!
I'm gonna see a dark day in hell for that one methinks
