neverending story the next generation (1 Viewer)

[herv]

Eventually Howie B woke up and, in a nod to Rip Van Winkle, realised he had been sleeping in the middle of the street in New Ross for twenty years without anyone having ever attempted to wake him up.

sounds like new ross alright.

nevertheless. a copy of muzik procured, howie delved in. scanning through the back pages, he came across a curious advertisment.

"the howie b experience!

nuff beats ta make ya delerious,

so book the pseudo howie b,

hes guaranteed to rock your christmas office party wildstylee"

 

[vasily ratz]

"noooooooooooooooooooo!" cried out the B'ster
as he fell to his knees."hang on..this might not be so bad". howie strolled into a nearby diner where his son was being smacked about by the son of kevinbackstreet...biff!
howie quickly pulled his son behind the counter and swopped clothes with the young fella'.howie proceded to lay the smackdown on biff.
"mc fly...eh,i mean howie jr.yr ass is mine!"
howie fled the diner on his sons hoverboard and bought a sports almanac before returning to the year 2000.unfortunatly,the time travelling process changed his body to that of zinadine zidane.
"i'm off to paddy power's " said howie not realising his appearence had changed considerably.suddenly the real zinadine zidane strolled around the corner before stopping dead in his tracks.
"mon dieu!" he exclaimed,"where did you get those futuristic clothes?"

 

[Osimono]

"They appeared on me while I was flying through the Brian Eno Space Time continuum", Howie explained. "Far from simply producing U2 records for the rest of his life and extolling the virtues of self generating music, Brian went on to discover a connecting thread which cout through time and space to the year 2020 from any point in time you happened to be at".

"And how did Mr. Eno happen upon this wonderous clockwork?", Zidane asked.

"By playing the last Westlife single whilst simultaneously playing Psychedelic Shack by the Temptations", Howie said. "The opposing forces of quality and bullshit were so great that they created a paradox which was so almighty that it tore Time a new arsehole".

"Speaking of arsehole", Zidane pointed out...

 

[vasily ratz]

"mine's being torn apart by those two cucumbers from neverendingstory the first generation!"
"we're gherkins,not cucumbers,you fat french fuck" replied graham from the inner crypt of zinadine's anus.
"what are they doing up there ? "asked howie b.
"we had a row over fly goalies"said zinadine and graham in unison.
"how immature" thought howie to himself.

 

[Spudmonkey999]

..but suddenly howie remembered playing football as a young child, he remembered the predicament of the fly goalie rule. He also remembered the last man back rule which was in his opinion a "load of auld shite" as it caused two many a bloody nose, howie felt the inner pain and turmoil which the gherkins and zidane were going through....

 

[vasily ratz]

just then,chris akabusi came strolling leisurely around the corner holding an open big mac in his athletic hands.
"for fuck sake" he quibbled "they forgot the gherkins, well thats just ruined my record breakingly happy day,crumbs! it's two zinadine zidanes! AWOOGAHHHH!"

 

[crazy dick]

Howie couldnt handle the pressure so he kicked Zidane in the bollox and legged it......

fearing for his life he hid in derek davis' bottom.....
it was so cozy he went into hibernation. when he awoke it was Spring.the birds were singing, the daffodils were doing their thing and bad boys inc were orchastrating a come back.

Climbing out of derek davis' bottom Howie shed a tear.....he realised he had missed christmas.....

"that cunt aaron carter probably nicked all my presents........."

to cheer himself up he.......

 

[vasily ratz]

...went into a nearby internet cafe and logged on to his favourite site, thumped.com.
he was shocked and disturbed to see that the past year of his life had been documented so accurately and comically.then he went home and had a wank.
"ahh" sighed howie,"i needed that."

 

[germ]

meanwhile, twink was battering samantha mumba around the head with a large canvas haversack still containing the aforementioned 200 mobile phones.

"you pup!" she screamed. "i ought to ram a gherkin up your puckered little bum, but i'd only be accused of ripping off an earlier part of this story!"

just then, in homage to the neverending story (part the first), who walked around the corner only rapper T 'from tha ghetto' Q!!

"yo" said TQ (cos that's the sort of thing he said) "i for one am sick of all this constant cultural cross-referencing." (this is also the sort of thing he often said) "not least the spurious links to foreign english premiership players past and present. i am also sick to the (gold-filleted, natch) back teeth with ironic quips incorporating back to the fucking future! and it's not even the good one - the first one! sort it out lads!"

however, just then, in walked anto, twink's ex-lover.

"yo" said TQ (cos that's the sort of... oh never mind) "yo my man, you better have a muthafuckin excuse for suddenly turning up in the main plotline, man. your shit is strictly digressionary. you dig?"

anto shot TQ. cos he was bugging him. "well" said anto "i want this bit of the story to myself, to tell you all about my...

 

[herv]

flicknife.

 

[mighty bob]

...shaped novelty hairdryer.

 

[crazy dick]

Little known fact: Anto was from terminfeckin (phonetix.....word)

"hows she cuttin thumped boyos. mammy sent me out here to show you this hair dryer she invented. its feckin great. its shaped like a big novelty hair dryer so i can look like a boyo while i'm dryin me hairs....d'you know like.

c'mere n i'll demonstrate it. i just turn it on, point it at my head and it should emit a warm breeze..........wheres the breeze?
its just shaking.......
waitaminute.........thats not meant to be a fliknife.........oh sacred jaysus on the holy cross..........mammy........mammy no.........dildo?


mother.

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

you bastard"



and thats Anto's story. so affected by this moment in his life, he was never able to conduct sexual activities for the rest of his life. Thats why he broke it off with Twink.

So its agreed we'll never speak of him again.

So.............back to Howie.

 

[germ]

howie said "gee, i was really enjoying reading about anto. tis a terrible pity that someone as boring and folish as my own good self will have to come into the story to replace a character as well-rounded, complex and intriguing as anto."

"Yo" said TQ. "My man howie. i has got a question for ya - do you pronounce "howie" to rhyme with "wowee" or "zoe"? cos, like, david bowie, you can do his name both ways - "bawie" or "boh-wie", but yours seems to be stuck in the former caregory. uh, my man."

"well," said howie...

 

[vasily ratz]

"i'm not sure of the correct pronunciation as i'm not really howie b at all!",tq stood back in amazement as howie pulled away his mask to reveal the face of.......philip scofield!!!!
!!!!it had all been a giant skam on the part of the sco-meister as he still had the sports almanac from his journey to the future . now he could make his millions from paddy power and like the life of reilly until he ended up with o'leary, in the grave that is....but not in a sexual way.....metaphorikly, because the real master mind behind the skam slowly revealed his head fom philip's pocket.... gordon the gopher!...slowly gordon began to squeak with laughter as he pulled away his mask to reveal the face of a very small howie b!
"my head is wrecked" sighed tq in a monotonous tone.

-i'd like to dedicate this post to the memory of johnny versache and u-neen fitsimonz-

 

[vasily ratz]

john walked past the scene of argueing celebrities ,too deep in thought with his own predicament to even notice philip scofield (his childhood hero).as he reached no.47 he took out his keys and jammed one into the door.it had a knack to opening that only he knew.it made him sad sometimes, the thought that it was his door and yet he also was all the dood had.a loving owner.not just another passer through.a friend.
"no mail" sighed john as he brushed his plain leather shoes against the balding welcome mat.it occured to him that he had never bought the mat. it had come with the house.like a passenger, or a hostage.
john was wearing a tweed suit he had bought on the previous friday in a nearby lifeboat charity shop.although well worn, especially around the elbows, it was a comfortable fit and disguised his boney frame well.the label below the collar had "captain james tillbrook" written faintly but lovingly on it.it was a womans handwriting.john began to imagine what captain james and his wife, linda,yes that's what her name should have been ,had looked like.it occured to him that it was nearly two years now since he had last felt a womans loving hand.
there were no photographs in the small livingroom where john now sat alone, cradleing a glass of whiskey in his withering left hand.tomorrow he would be 57 years old.
the couch was green with a peacock design but it was fading away slowly and the powdered light which filtered through the blinds cast long bars of light and dark over it's captive.
as he read last monday's times the glass fell from john's hand, spreading shards across the grey carpet.john remembered a time when he was 7 years of age.he had scaled a giant oak tree in the old back garden.it was the proudest moment of his life, but he couldn't get down. he couldn't get down.
"oh linda, linda help me! please help me for the love of god help me".
he hadn't realised what he was saying until it was said.a car passed by outside the window, highlighting the silence within the house.

 

[crazy dick]

John sat silent for the next ten minutes wondering where it had all gone wrong. He remembered the gay fifties when he had been the most famous baker in Leinster. Those where the days. A saturday morning childrens show on Anna Livia FM was the culmination of his lifes work. Children. "I love those children........"

Ten more minutes passed........

A weevil crawled up Johns tweed-clad sleeve and made its home behind Johns right ear-lobe.................

Ten more minutes passed............

".......Linda.............."

Johns empty gaze crossed the room to the dusty mantle piece. John saw the picture of himself and his brother anthony. Young boys playing in the park. Jumpers for goalposts.
"That bastard. If only he'd stuck with the fly goalie rule he might still be alive today."
but he hadnt and he'd ran in front of the number 49A bus on its way up to Bohernabreena..........

"Anto was always the adventurous one..........."

Just then John realised something. He went upstairs, donned his wellington boots and fetched his weeding trowel from the car hold. Out in the back garden John began digging a hole underneath the old oak tree..........

Ten minutes later the hole was ten metres in depth. Thats good goin fer an owl lad wot wot............

chnk chnk............this must be it thought John. He dove into the hole and embraced the box he had found.....

"The last great chance to relive my childhood"

the box was supposed to be a time capsule. john and anthony had got the idea from blue peter. opening the box john found a stinger bar.........

"they did used to be bigger!"

john found what he had been looking for........

he cried himself into the longest and coldest sleep there is..........

just then willy the weevil took the chance he'd been waiting for and climbed out of the hole.

"free! free! la la laaaaaaaa.......for nineteen years i've been trapped in that poxy house now its time to plot my world domination"

willy the weevil headed to the capital city in dublin.......cos thats where the best stuff is..........

the next morning the authorities would find johns cold body clutching the stinger bar............at peace.

 

[leedy]

"My God" murmured Garda O'Shaughnessy, eying John's peaceful remains. "They really *were* bigger then."

"What, Stinger bars?" asked his redoubtable colleague, Garda Howie B. (having decided upon a radical career change in the wake of previous events)

"No, no, no." said O'Shaughnessy, "I was referring to his..."

 

[snap-apple]

ma

 

[Osimono]

's clitoris.

 

[germ]

it's nise and shie-neee... la la la la la...