I am genuinely concerned. I tried to send you a DM, but somehow I messed that up. People have sent me DM's over the years asking towards my own mental health, so it's not just me picking on you or something. What I'm reading you writing mate, I need to ask.
We've all been around and seen things etc. And we care. Are you ok?
I am OK. I suppose I have felt this way since I was 15 in 1991. The long winded version...
I blame 'family values' and the narrow path of options I felt teenagers were herded down for having miserable teenage years. When I gave up working in 1995 this mostly left me. Gradually as abortion etc. was legalised my dislike of religion faded.
1991 the year I began to split off from the milieu....
NB: When I was 12, 13, 14, I honestly thought my generation was going to be completely different from all previous ones (don't laugh!). We would change things big time.
So in early 1991 (time of Gulf War) I was in Inter Cert year and every evening I sat depressed in my room, thinking a lot but doing very little homework.
I thought about how silly school + exams were, the horrible summer job on the piggery awaiting me after the exams, religious oppression (my parents were hit and miss about religion - no way devout) how joyless my life was, war, climate change, the worst recession since 1930's and something new... what going to happen to me in the next few years...
Oh Shit! It didn't look good.
My favourite time of the week was on Fridays I got home early to an empty house and watched Football Argentina on satellite TV on my own. Boca led by Batistuta and Diego Latorre (rated as better of duo until 1991 Copa America) and young coach Marcelo Bielsa's Newell's Old Boys were the best teams. I would spent all weekend in our house if possible. By isolation and my own choice I had no social life outside school. In early '91 apart from school and church I went nowhere for 2 to 3 months.
Poor young me thought about my folks: They had the most boring life. Apart from their own relationship they had little else.
To work so hard and settle for this drudgery. What on earth happened that led them from being my age to being 40+ odd then???
So depressed fifteen year old me did some serious thinking every night for months and I drew lasting conclusions:
My school pals were becoming like boring older kids I hated. Discos, girlfriends, alcohol, school exams and summer jobs were gateway drugs - the first steps to being like my parents -
NOOOOOO!
"Why didn't I think about this before?!
My generation aren't going to change anything! They don't even care! Arrgh!"
I was sooo disappointed with the other kids.
I seriously never got over this and I mean that. Oh dear.
So I made same mental notes in 1991.
Avoid being adult/mature person and things that lead towards this. Take the piss out of "mature adults" sometimes by behaving in a very immature way.
They are not offering me anything I want.
Do as little school work and paid work as possible and none if I can help it.
Enjoy the next few years of being a slacker, 'cause fuck knows what will happen after that.
By August 1992 when got into music, I had £1368 savings from a £50 a week summer job. Until then I was a miser who could not find anything exciting to spend my painfully earned cash on.
So at 17 in 1993 I felt my generation was already dead as far as my goals for the world were concerned and after a more social spell of my life, I hugely isolated myself for nearly 3 years.
My life personally is great now I have to look back to then to find frustration.
Back in the contemporary world a lot of folks I know have done so well.
Great folks with lovely partners and amazing clever kids. A dinosaur loving 4 year old was telling me a dinosaur was from the Cretaceous period a while back. His folks must have read him a book on dinosaurs and he remembered the whole paragraph. I thought - "I hope he doesn't realise how stupid I am".
So good for them and I hope they all achieve their goals.
But the compromises they have to make to have this are incomprehensible to me. I would not entertain work, debt etc. for anything.
Having kids makes it much harder to avoid religion and I wouldn't want to put any kid through remotely what I went through.
And I like being on my own most of the day. I don't need close relationships with people.
Then there is the soon to be extinct elephant in the room: Late stage capitalism in an era of mass extinction.
We are sooo fucked!
And yeah I was thinking about this in 1991 too.
So I feel let down by adult folks and I am not too keen on my generation at all at all at all.
So I think about this most days but it is only when that I get a bit triggered that I think - "Come on let's start an argument with the squares I reckon I will win no problem!"
Bad communication is a huge hate of mine. Say what you think!
I put huge thought into stuff and can coherently explain nearly anything I do.
If I am with someone I will talk away to them and almost narrate what I am doing so they know where they stand.
If I don't see the point in something I won't do it. Whether it is drinking tea every day or getting a car or going on holiday whatever I can't get excited about lots of stuff.
I feel pity for folks who get excited about things that are at best described as not essential.
Only JohnnyRaz made any attempt (which he did well) to explain why folks make voluntarily make huge compromises in life.
If I got in a debate with a Dad with a partner, kids, job and a MORTgage about our respective lifestyle choices, I would be almost 100% confident he couldn't win the argument.
That is probably what I am doing now!
Buying a home without doing due diligence (market research, watch the stock market, knowing full repayment cost etc.) is very foolish. Some folks my age had no idea property could lose value -
It happened in London circa 1990 in a big way. Canary Wharf owners famously went bankrupt. People my age should know this.
I used to detest religion but as I don't have kids it has no real impact in my life and I let go of that. I know lots of timid rural people who lovely and religion helps them a lot. I also know plenty of awesome Muslim folks.
These folks inspired tolerance of religion in me 15 years ago.
Whereas school and work are still an anathema to me religious folks don't bother me unless it is the likes of anti abortion types.
I used to like Richard Dawkins but now I think he's a bigoted Islamophobic bore. He doesn't seem to care about capitalism or other issues much.
I have been very quiet in my life but now I am a seen it all, know it all.
More generally people making bad decisions with absolute confidence and melts my brain even if it mundane stuff. Reminds me of school.
When I bring these views up some people get very defensive. Really they shouldn't.
I can explain my reasoning and they should be able to too. Or they can just ignore me.