Free morning papers: city in a dither or shitty new litter? (1 Viewer)

[jane]

I wish we could just say 'No'.



Dear People Who Give Out The Stupid Free Papers,

It's not quite 7am. It's pissing rain. I'm wearing shorts, reflectors, a flashing light, and a gore-tex jacket and am running down the fucking road, already somewhat saturated with rain, and giving you a wide berth, so that you cannot touch me with your paper. Does it look like I want a paper? Does it look like I'm doing something that exudes Desire for Paper? Really? That's funny. So that's why you keep jumping in front of me to cut me off until I take your stupid paper? I know you're out there before dawn, and it looks like a truly shitty job, and I don't envy you, but really, what the fuck am I supposed to do with the stupid fucking paper? Are most runners that you see also reading the paper? I am trying to ignore you, but you keep trying to touch me with your paper, and I want you not to.



And once one of you sees me, your rival, "But our masthead is red and blue! We're different!" also creeps up, often from an oblique and unsettling angle, silent, dope-grinned and unshakeable. Then there are two of you, and I'm trying to say no, pointing to where my pockets would be if I had them, so that you can be quite sure I do not, emphasising my baglessness and the absence of my desire for a paper. I know what your manager said, how everyone wants a free paper, whether or not they know it, but your manager lied. I'm telling you the truth: I do not want a free paper. Stop looking at me like that, I don't want a free paper. Can you...what? No, I said, I don't want a fucking goddamn cunting free motherfucking paper.

I know it's early, but when you stop me, not once, but twice, and no matter what I do to avoid eye contact, or if I cross to the other side of the road, or I shake my head and say, "No", you won't fucking stop shoving that insipid bullshit rag in my face. I do not want a fucking paper. I do not want a paper. I do not want a paper. I do not want a paper. I do not want a paper.

I don't like having to tell you, "I SAID, NO! DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT A PAPER?" because you have ignored my soft 'no', and you have denied seeing me shake my head 'no', and when I avoid eye contact, you arrange yourself and your papers in front of wherever my face is pointing. You have left me with no choice. I don't hate you quite as much as chuggers, but don't push your luck. Please be thinking.

Thanks,

Me

 

[Buzzo]

that's what you get for going out running in the morning in the rain in november! No wonder they aint convinced of your surety of brain.

no really but.... did you actually shout at them?

 

[ICUH8N]

"Don't hate on the Herrrdillld"

 

[jane]

that's what you get for going out running in the morning in the rain in november! No wonder they aint convinced of your surety of brain.

no really but.... did you actually shout at them?

They touch me with the paper! And I go, "No," and they continue to touch me with the paper, and then I say, "What am I supposed to do with this? I said 'no'!" But I also feel bad for them because they're standing out there having to hand out shitty papers at stupid hours of the morning. At least I'm out there by choice.

 

[Lefty Frizzell]

Yeah they can be pretty aggressive.

So how long is this gonna continue for? I'd understand if this was just a weeklong blitz campaign to spread the metro word but I can see public getting pissed off very quickly with these soppy students if this carries on.

 

[Buzzo]

Jane maybe you should start carrying a big stick and whack the paper out of their hand if they touch you with it. Then they'll get the message. No joke. No one should be touched by anything without their prior consent. Which is why crowded bars bug the shit out of me so much. I HATE being touched by strangers. Space invasions suck.

 

[ICUH8N]

The Metro kept me amused while I sat in gridlock'd bleedin' Booterstown last week. For that, I can only commend it. Also, it's getting the Southside used to the sight of Black people, which is also a good thing.

 

[jane]

Yeah they can be pretty aggressive.

So how long is this gonna continue for? I'd understand if this was just a weeklong blitz campaign to spread the metro word but I can see public getting pissed off very quickly with these soppy students if this carries on.

Exactly. Why don't they realise that people don't really like to be disturbed when they're trying to get somewhere, even when you offer them something for free? I don't like people getting in my way, and I'd prefer a clear path to where I'm going than some bullshit freebie that suits some motherfucker's marketing campaign.

But the papers! Why not do what hundreds of cities do every stupid fucking goddamn cunting day, and put the cunting papers in a cunting paper machine, and people can take them if they want them. And if they can't do that because they're afraid they'll be vandalised, then maybe they want to reconsider the fucking cunting negligible value of their cunting paper. Plus, people take a paper, and then they drop it on the ground because, clearly, Dublin needs MORE LITTER.

 

[jane]

Jane maybe you should start carrying a big stick and whack the paper out of their hand if they touch you with it. Then they'll get the message. No joke. No one should be touched by anything without their prior consent. Which is why crowded bars bug the shit out of me so much. I HATE being touched by strangers. Space invasions suck.

I should not have access to sticks. I would only use them. And anyway, it's usually just holding the paper dangerously close, and inside of what I consider my personal space, which, in my universe, is tantamount to touching me with a free newspaper.

 

[therealjohnny]

"..wearing shorts, reflectors, a flashing light, and a gore-tex jacket and am running down the fucking road, already somewhat saturated with rain"


phwoooarrr!

 

[billygannon]

Another reason why pocket flame throwers should be cheaper and more available.

 

[jane]

"..wearing shorts, reflectors, a flashing light, and a gore-tex jacket and am running down the fucking road, already somewhat saturated with rain"


phwoooarrr!

Quiet, you.

 

[snakybus]

fuck sake jane, what you doing up at 7 and you don't have to be?

wanna come to my house and mind our babby every day till, say, 9?

 

[Corey]

Exactly. Why don't they realise that people don't really like to be disturbed when they're trying to get somewhere, even when you offer them something for free? I don't like people getting in my way, and I'd prefer a clear path to where I'm going than some bullshit freebie that suits some motherfucker's marketing campaign.

But the papers! Why not do what hundreds of cities do every stupid fucking goddamn cunting day, and put the cunting papers in a cunting paper machine, and people can take them if they want them. And if they can't do that because they're afraid they'll be vandalised, then maybe they want to reconsider the fucking cunting negligible value of their cunting paper. Plus, people take a paper, and then they drop it on the ground because, clearly, Dublin needs MORE LITTER.

You kiss yer mother with that mouth?


Here's what you do:

-Next time, run directly toward them.
-Stop when they offer the paper.
-Take it.
-keep standing all up in his face like; offering him the paper he just gave you.
-smile.
-continue at will, making sure to completely block his view by ways of the up'd the faceing and the smiling.
-refuse to stop until he takes it back from you.
say absolutely nothing while doing all of the above.

or alternativley, jog past the fucker and on into town, stopping by at the offices of said newspaper, up the stairs and into the editorrs office. You sound like your healthy, i'm betting you'd own him in fight.

 

[Super Dexta]

come running by my house! i did a few laps round the block at 8 this morning (look, i'm virtuous too) and i barely saw a soul. except the builders round the corner have got so used to seeing me that they comment when i'm slow. and then i go and buy the times, and go home and read it over a nice cup of tea, and it's great.

 

[P. Littbarski]

these so called newspapers are missing one very important element.

it's called news

the mating habits of underwater creatures and/or worms or details on a TV3 presenters wedding is not news.

these magazines are a waste of paper

Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up! Go back to bed Ireland, here's American Gladiators etc...

 

[Antrophe]

I don't like having to tell you, "I SAID, NO! DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT A PAPER?" because you have ignored my soft 'no', and you have denied seeing me shake my head 'no', and when I avoid eye contact, you arrange yourself and your papers in front of wherever my face is pointing. You have left me with no choice. I don't hate you quite as much as chuggers, but don't push your luck. Please be thinking.

Wait a minute - so are you running in circles around this one pissed upon individual paper pusher?