f.a.o. Johnnystress (1 Viewer)

[Rogue]

Wow! Perhaps it's the hangover talking or the salt in my veins but whatever you two do to earn a wage should be quit immediately in favour of writing this book! there, I've said it.

 

[therealjohnny]

That monkey is starting to look more and more human. Is this like the movie the fly?

Jeez i dont know!- ask Diddles, she's writing this thing

 

[Diddles]

"Kill me!" cried the abomination on the table, "please kill me!". Professor Moriarty capered and giggled like a schoolgirl. "Ye Gods it speaks! Success at last! Now, my good fellow, time for a little chat, methinks". Tears streaming down his slack-jawed face and onto his naked chest, Chester lumbered towards the table, clutching the professor's secateurs. "Meh suh! Mus hep meh suh!". "What is it you witless buffoon?" said the professor "want to end your little boy's misery, eh? Give me those secateurs or it'll be off to the workhouse with you." Chester ignored the professor and doggedly shambled towards the table. "Right! That's it" Furious with Chester's insubordiantion, the professor leaped from his chair and launched himself at Chester's face.

 

[La La]

 

[theweeyin]

What is this thread all about? I've lost track.

 

[therealjohnny]

"Kill me!" cried the abomination on the table, "please kill me!". Professor Moriarty capered and giggled like a schoolgirl. "Ye Gods it speaks! Success at last! Now, my good fellow, time for a little chat, methinks". Tears streaming down his slack-jawed face and onto his naked chest, Chester lumbered towards the table, clutching the professor's secateurs. "Meh suh! Mus hep meh suh!". "What is it you witless buffoon?" said the professor "want to end your little boy's misery, eh? Give me those secateurs or it'll be off to the workhouse with you." Chester ignored the professor and doggedly shambled towards the table. "Right! That's it" Furious with Chester's insubordiantion, the professor leaped from his chair and launched himself at Chester's face.

 

[nofunchee]

What is this thread all about? I've lost track.

a simpleton man who pisses his pants and rides a penny farthing bike and a highly intelligent but rather nasty monkey. there's conversations with trees and psuedo-scientific expierements, sometimes with sexy results.

oh, and diddles has been dreaming about johnnystress.

a VERY good day on thumped.

 

[deedee]

Best thread ever, ever.

MORE PLEASE.

 

[Diddles]

...

 

[Diddles]

uh-oh I dont much care for the cut of his jib!

Diddlles- what the hell is going on here?

It had been two weeks since Moriarty’s vicious attack on Chester and the lackwit had retreated even further into himself, spending the better part of each day circuiting the higher ramparts of the laboratory whilst playing a trombone. The bite marks to his face were healing poorly and he regularly made small mewling noises as he scratched at the scabs. “Why do you keep this cretin in your service, Herr professor?” asked Doctor Warsteiner, “he must be distracting your work very much”.
Moriarty chuckled. “On the contrary, dear doctor, Chester is a vent for my all-consuming rage. My attacks on him give me some respite from the constant boiling magma of anger that resides within me and allow me to focus on my great works. Now, take a look at my latest creation”.

The two gentlemen moved toward the laboratory bench. “Gott in Himmel, Herr professor!” exclaimed Doctor Warsteiner, “when you told me of your plans to combine the seed of the imbecile with the bonsai plum tree and stimulate it’s brain and speech patterns with a mechanical bowler hat, I thought you a fool. It is I who am the fool, however. It’s is good for you that your benefactor the Kais, ahem, I mean the elderly Duchess never doubted you.” Doctor Warsteiner bowed low towards the Professor, the spike on his helmet almost piercing Moriarty's eye. For the third time that day, Moriarty suspected that something was not quite right about the man.

 

[therealjohnny]

 

[jane]

If you guys don't actually fucking publish this, there is no justice in the universe.

Pete, how about subscribers get a free copy of "A Hat With Trees"? And maybe a Professor Moriarty soft toy?

I regret all those times that I said "Best thread ever." This is the best thread ever.

 

[CitySickness]

Pete: please delete any references to "best thread ever" from every thread that isn't this one.

You get to play Stalin. It'll be fun.

 

[jane]

Pete: please delete any references to "best thread ever" from every thread that isn't this one.

You get to play Stalin. It'll be fun.

Except you can leave a "Second best thread ever" on the thread where CitySickness designed that dog-with-lampshade lamp. I mean, really.

That reminds me, I got a good photo of a 'danger' sign up at the Giant's Causeway over the weekend. Will download later.

PS: If Pete gets to be Stalin, can I run a gulag? There're fucking dishes to be done here.

 

[Diddles]

Professor Moriarty could only stare aghast as the flotilla of zeppelins blotted out the noonday sun. General Warsteiner cackled maniacally as he clutched a hybrid bonsai close to his chest. “You underestimated the importance of your work, Herr Professor. All you wanted to do was chat with these creatures in order to sate your cruel and unusual appetite for knowledge. By stealing your specimens, the Kaiser has created an invincible army!
Look above you, Herr Professor. Each of these zeppelins is manned by a crew of bonsai hybrids. They require only a little water and some soil to keep them in the air for weeks at a time and unlike our former human crews, they don’t suffer from oxygen depravation. Today Great Britain, tomorrow the world! And now, Herr Professor, it is time to for me to ravish your Queen and say auf wiedersehn.“
Warsteiner drew his sabre and advanced on the professor. Paralyzed by horror, Moriarty could only stare as the General gutted him with his sword. “Noooooooooooooooooo!” cried Chester.



* * * * * * * * * * *


Chester rocked back and forth, cradling the professor’s head in his arms. Something leafy nudged at his arm. “Papa,” a voice said. “Papa, it’s me”. Chester turned and saw his bonsai son smiling beatifically up at him. “Follow my instructions carefully and he might live. Now, take some of the soil from my pot and rub it on the wound to staunch the bleeding, then feed him some of my miraculous and nutritious leaves”. With an idiot’s gentleness, Chester did as his son had asked.
Professor Moriarty’s eyelids fluttered open. His eyes rested on the little hybrid. “Saved me, eh?” said the professor.” He turned his head towards Chester, the moron’s face now beaming with joy. “Good lad, Chester. Good lad. Now, help me to my feet, retrieve your penny farthing and we’ll show this Hun what makes Britian Great”.

 

[Diddles]

Nearly there Johnny!

 

[therealjohnny]

Jesus Wept!

This is good stuff! Stirring even


...

bear with me

 

[nofunchee]

i can see the reviews now:

"saturated with pure talent, diddles and stress take us on an important journey - a journey of a monkey and his idiot cyclist. the astounding realism of diddles' prose picks at the cankerous sore of the human condition while stress's heroic illustrations pour in the bleach. with beckett-style human insight and a quintessential dark and gritty orwellian political de-masking, this book is simply 'unputdownable'."

 

[La La]

"a riveting tour de force"

 

[Vinnie]

"Makes the Bible look like an incontinent prostitute's mattress"