f.a.o. Johnnystress (3 Viewers)

[Squiggle]

Unfortunately the first two chapters seem to be missing... which is a tragedy the literary world will never recover from.

 

[therealjohnny]

pass me the ether..ive having a turn

 

[classic seanc]

Unfortunately the first two chapters seem to be missing... which is a tragedy the literary world will never recover from.

Was it not dostoyevsky who recommended to his students that when they write a story, they should take the first half and rip it up? Giving the reader the credit to be able to put the backstory together on their own.

 

[Diddles]

pass me the ether..ive having a turn

“Quick Chester, save the Queen while I trounce this Prussian Haderlump and cut him up like a Bratwurst .” Chester grabbed the Queen tightly and slid down a zeppelin rope. The zeppelin lurched, and the pair, swinging wildly, crashed through the clock face of Big Ben. “Have at you!” cried Moriarty, and he slashed and stabbed with his rapier at the General. “You’re monkey sword antics are no match for me, Herr Professor”, laughed Warsteiner, as he casually grabbed the diminutive professor’s sword in his gloved hand and catapulted him towards the clock tower.

 

[therealjohnny]

Can you bear the tension??

 

[Diddles]

Can you bear the tension??

Chester and The Queen hugged each other tightly, the latter stoically ignoring the drool dripping onto her bosom and the warm liquid soaking her corset from Chester's earlier urinary mishap. Professor Moriarty stood defiantly before the hulking figure of General Warsteiner. Weaponless, he adopted a pose that betrayed his savage heritage. "Well, General Warsteiner? Perhaps my swordsmanship doesn't cut the mustard, but heed me well, I shall rip your face clean off with my teeth if you take one more step towards my Queen and my body-servant." The general paused momentarily, but with typical Prussian arrogance he shrugged off the professor's threat and continued his advance.

Suddenly, a shape hurtled though the broken glass. The general turned in alarm as the tumbling bonsai hybrid rolled across the floor and came to a stop underneath the massive clock's pendulum. The general's eyes widened in disbelief as the hybrid emerged from it's pot, revealing shapely arms and legs of leafy green.
The hybrid swung the pendulum, striking the general square in the jaw and knocking him to the ground. Moriarty took the opportunity the hybrid had afforded him and leapt on the general's throat, ripping through flesh and sinew before severing his jugular vein.
With a triumphant animal cry, Moriarty back-flipped high into the air and came to land before the hybrid. "Legs and arms, eh?" said Moriarty, " You've become quite the tree about town now, haven't you, my dear boy?"
I am becoming what I am becoming, Professor, whereas I think you realise now that you are returning to what you once were." said the hybrid. The professor pondered this cryptic statement as he and the hybrid helped Chester and the Queen to their feet.
"We would like to thank you, my good men, for saving our royal person and for once again thrashing the Hun. We shall retire to the palace for refreshments and a clean pair of breeches for this poor cretin and discuss the matter of dispatching these wretched zeppelins". Regal as ever, despite her dishevelled appearance and the odour of urine, the Queen gracefully descended the steps of the clock tower. The three heroes, arm in arm, strode proudly behind her.


* * * * * * * * * *

Epilogue.

The setting sun filtered through the boughs of the impossibly tall jungle trees and shone on the figure of the little hybrid, lately dubbed Sir Godfrey Tree Pants by her Majesty, Queen Victoria. Professor Moriarty looked fondly at Godfrey , who smiled back at him and nodded. "It is time, professor", said Godfrey.
Moriarty turned to his former lackey, his eyes brimming with tears. "Listen carefully, my dear Chester, for this will be the last time I tell you what to do. You must always, always, listen to Godfrey here, for he is wiser than all of the creatures on this planet and he will always protect you. Both your lives are with the Queen now and
she will need your help in the dark years to come. Goodbye, my friend. Sorry about the beatings, by the way." Chester stared vacantly into the distance, accepting the professor's apology.


Moriarty stood and removed his red jacket. "I am no longer Professor Erskine Moriarty!", he shouted to the dark recesses of the jungle. "I am Ooh Ooh Rage!!"
He crouched, then leapt onto a high branch. In the blink of an eye he was gone, back to the dark jungle from whence he came. Chester cried softly for a while, then gently placed his son in the basket Moriarty had affixed to his penny farthing. "When we return to England, Papa," said Godfrey, "I shall fashion you a new vehicle. Something with both wheels the same size. I think I shall call it a Crown Crown."
Chester patted his son's foliage and began the tedious business of cycling through six hundred miles of Amazon rain forest on a penny farthing.

 

[classic seanc]

incredible

 

[Diddles]

Good read, there Johnny. it was no LOTR like, but fair play all the same. I have to say, my favourite picture is the one after the Epilogue, it's truly brilliant. Must have taken you hours and hours.

Thanks for letting me dream your buke.

 

[jane]

Good lord. Fucking genius.

PLEASE PUBLISH THIS FOR REAL THANK YOU. Please?

 

[nofunchee]

BEST THREAD 4 EVA

 

[therealjohnny]

my favourite picture is the one after the Epilogue, it's truly brilliant. Must have taken you hours and hours.

damn you woman

 

[BC]

simply magnificent.

 

[jane]

I was wondering when this was coming out in print?

Not joking.

 

[nofunchee]

me too.

 

[Flux]

Glad I found this thread. Nice work! My eyes were watering looking at some of those illustrations...good water.

 

[La La]

Last night, I dreamt that you had written a book called Hat With Trees. It had a picture of a monkey in a jacket and a man riding a penny farthing on the cover.

last night I too had a dream about johnnystress.

firts of all, what the fuck is up with that?

seersly jstress, did you secretly implant some kind of chip into our brainzez to make us dream about you?

anyway in it, you kept following me around EVERYWHERE with an adobe photoshop box. for some reason i had meetings and stuff and everytime i went to go to one, you would photoshop me.
like what you did to my birthday pic. except more embarrassing. on one occasion you fucking photoshopped a willy into my hand when i was going to meet my boss!!!


amazing..|..|

 

[therealjohnny]

weeeird

This could be the plot of a new summer blockbuster- a sort of Flatliners/LawnmowerMan/Nightmare on Elm Street- with Photoshop as my tool of darkness


Scream as he uses the default drop shadow, recoil at his rampant overuse of the render clouds filter, "lens flare orgy!!",if your photo has ever appeared on the internet it is only a matter of time...

Photoshop of Horrors, the Nightmare filterer

 

[Flux]

Johnnystress is some sort of twisted genius alright.

 

[ernesto]

Johnnystress is some sort of twisted genius alright.

agreed