congratulations, mrs. and mr. jane! (3 Viewers)

[jane]

Out of curiousity, (and nosiness!) what will ye call your kids by if you have any? Will they have a hyphenated name or your husband's name or yours?

I want to keep my own name whenever I marry (decided this when I was about nine, ha) but am not sure what do about kids...

Not sure yet. We have a few years plus nine months to work this one out. Hyphenation makes a name a fair bit of work...

 

[sweetoblivion]

Yeah that's the thing isn't it? It's tricky. Dammit!
My surname is also a boy's name though so I could give it to them as an extra middle name. Hmmm.

 

[Corey]

Me an my brother in law have been pressuring his wife/my sister to name their incoming baby boy Ruben.

Ruben. What a name. He's going to own a Porn Empire, i just know it. Or maybe represent murderous celebs. Either way i cant lose. I cant wait.

 

[Squiggle]

Mrs. egg_ kept her own name, but she didn't really care enough one way or the other to buck the traditional approach for children

The Icelandic way of quite literally taking the father's name is pretty cool, quite like the original Irish way. Women keep their surname when they marry because they are still their father's daughter and the children get a new surname based on the father's first name.

A friend of mine took his wife's surname, as did their children, because otherwise the family line had come to an end.

No such worries in my family so unless it is otherwise necessary for some reason to hold on to my own name I don't mind either way.

 

[egg_]

I think Ruben is a deadly name!

 

[Corey]

Hee-hee...

 

[F. Fred Palakon]

Out of curiousity, (and nosiness!) what will ye call your kids by if you have any? Will they have a hyphenated name or your husband's name or yours?

I want to keep my own name whenever I marry (decided this when I was about nine, ha) but am not sure what do about kids...

It never ceases to amaze me how emotive people get about this! At my sister's hen weekend one woman (who had taken her husband's name) got very annoyed at how strongly another woman felt about not taking her husbands name. Actual quote: "God, do you hate your husband or something?"

Compulsive but hilarious reading on name changes. (Sorry, I'm hooked on these wedding boards.)

 

[jane]

It never ceases to amaze me how emotive people get about this! At my sister's hen weekend one woman (who had taken her husband's name) got very annoyed at how strongly another woman felt about not taking her husbands name. Actual quote: "God, do you hate your husband or something?"

Compulsive but hilarious reading on name changes. (Sorry, I'm hooked on these wedding boards.)

I think what annoys me a small bit is that in 2008, there's an assumption that I've taken his name. By people who know me and all! I don't mind people asking, just that having to explain that no, I have the same name today as I did at 12:29pm on Saturday afternoon, is probably going to become frustrating. I'm a tiny bit unsure how to deal with it. I don't want to be rude to people or to make a big deal out of it, but it's not my name and I don't want people calling me it. Like, okay, if some 80 year old auntie sends a card with Mr and Mrs D**** on it, I won't be too bothered, but if someone we both know does it, I would not like it one bit. It's not my name, and I don't want to end up being re-named by other people just because it might feel rude to correct them.

My mom kept her name until she had my brother, but when I was 19, I took her maiden name as a middle name because I liked it and because I like the idea of it. I don't use it officially (and it's kind of confused some of my documentation because it ends up on stuff sometimes), but it was a way of keeping the name around without ending up with a huge mouthful of a name.

I have to admit, though, that the whole name-changing thing is something I find odd. I mean, I like to think I'm a big non-judgemental feminist, but I do sometimes find my first reaction to a name change is one of disappointment. and then I feel bad because I don't think that it helps to judge people's choices like that. It's not cool, it's none of my business what someone's name is, and there really are bigger feminism fish to fry.

 

[muffin]

I fully intend on keeping my name when I get married. There is only myself and cpr on my dad's side of the family to carry on the name ,so if we didn't keep it it would die off altogether. And that thought breaks my heart to be honest.

The other half knows this and has known pretty much since we first discussed getting married. We've pretty much decided the kids will get my name and his name as their middle name. This is fine for the two of us but we are predicting A LOT of trouble with his family when it happens. However it's mine and his decision and once we're happy with it, everyone else can go f themselves.

 

[Squiggle]

I have to admit, though, that the whole name-changing thing is something I find odd. I mean, I like to think I'm a big non-judgemental feminist, but I do sometimes find my first reaction to a name change is one of disappointment. and then I feel bad because I don't think that it helps to judge people's choices like that. It's not cool, it's none of my business what someone's name is, and there really are bigger feminism fish to fry.

It can be very messy and confusing if a woman in the workplace changes her name, which is a good reason to keep your original surname, at least professionally, and, if professionally, then why not altogether.

I really don't see where feminism comes into it - it isn't a 'feminist' issue. Either way you've got a man's surname, one of which you didn't even have a choice about. Maybe when it comes to the children it's more a feminist issue, I'm not sure.

It is the convention to take your husband's surname so most people will assume that a woman does, but once they're corrected that should be the end of it.

I always find it amusing how quick people on both sides of arguments like this are to take offence. My Aunt is furious with my cousin for (a) giving her children their fathers' surnames (b) giving them my Aunt's surname from her first marriage as well.

My Aunt is now Mrs B
My cousin (from Aunt's first marriage) is Ms A
Babies are Boy C-A and Girl D-A.

They've barely spoken in years because of this. I don't know what my Aunt wanted the children to be called.

 

[jane]

This is fine for the two of us but we are predicting A LOT of trouble with his family when it happens. However it's mine and his decision and once we're happy with it, everyone else can go f themselves.

This, by the way, is the absolute #1 thing to keep in mind when you're planning your wedding.

 

[jane]

I really don't see where feminism comes into it - it isn't a 'feminist' issue. Either way you've got a man's surname, one of which you didn't even have a choice about. Maybe when it comes to the children it's more a feminist issue, I'm not sure.

This is the problem I have with it, in that for most women, it's not a feminist issue when you're making the decision. For me, it's like, I've been Jane R****** for 32 years and that's who I am, it's part of my identity, and now my identity includes Mr Jane, but I don't need to change my name to reflect it. It's a personal decision, and yes, I definitely see the whole 'possession' thing that is an underlying feminist issue. but when kids come into it, it is probably very often about convenience more than politics or whatever.

For me, there is a feminist element to it, but not everyone feels that way.

I just hate the way I end up sometimes feeling judgemental about it when I have no right to.

 

[billygannon]

I'm taking her name AND keeping mine
She won't have ANY name.

 

[sweetoblivion]

I totally get what you're saying here - for me it is a feminist issue, for so many reasons, including the 'ownership' one. I am my own person, I've done everything in my life with this name and I don't see why I should have to change it. But for a lot of women, it doesn't seem to be a feminist thing...which confuses me because of the traditional reasons behind taking your husband's name. Yet at the same time, most women these days don't identify themselves as feminist so that's why they may not see it as a feminist issue. Also, I do feel terribly guilty for judging people who do take their husband's name. It's not my place to judge, yet I do. Also, Muffin that is the coolest thing ever - it must be great knowing that your boyf is so supportive. That's really cool.

This is the problem I have with it, in that for most women, it's not a feminist issue when you're making the decision. For me, it's like, I've been Jane R****** for 32 years and that's who I am, it's part of my identity, and now my identity includes Mr Jane, but I don't need to change my name to reflect it. It's a personal decision, and yes, I definitely see the whole 'possession' thing that is an underlying feminist issue. but when kids come into it, it is probably very often about convenience more than politics or whatever.

For me, there is a feminist element to it, but not everyone feels that way.

I just hate the way I end up sometimes feeling judgemental about it when I have no right to.

 

[Space]

I totally get what you're saying here - for me it is a feminist issue, for so many reasons, including the 'ownership' one. I am my own person, I've done everything in my life with this name and I don't see why I should have to change it. But for a lot of women, it doesn't seem to be a feminist thing...which confuses me because of the traditional reasons behind taking your husband's name. Yet at the same time, most women these days don't identify themselves as feminist so that's why they may not see it as a feminist issue. Also, I do feel terribly guilty for judging people who do take their husband's name. It's not my place to judge, yet I do. Also, Muffin that is the coolest thing ever - it must be great knowing that your boyf is so supportive. That's really cool.

Are you saying you take issue with people taking their husbands surname when they marry?

 

[sweetoblivion]

Are you saying you take issue with people taking their husbands surname when they marry?

Oh no. I knew that would be read into wrongly! I'm not saying it's WRONG with taking your husband's name, jesus. Just that I don't think it's something you HAVE to do because it's traditional. And in this day and age it seems somehow outdated. So when I hear someone's taking their husband's name, part of me always asks 'why?' However, I'm not at the age that my friends are getting married yet, so perhaps when they do I'll have a realistic idea of how many people do and don't. And I never addressed the childbearing issue in my last post - that a lot of people take the name so they have the same name as their children. It's hard to explain this if people are going to immediately assume I'm saying people who take their husband's names are idiots

 

[maims bond]

simple solution to this double-barrelled/hyphenated name stuff, do like the Brazilians do.

Ronaldihno
Romario
Kaka


Call your kid kaka.

 

[Squiggle]

It's hard to explain this if people are going to immediately assume I'm saying people who take their husband's names are idiots

Ah no, it's not that. But some women actually WANT to take their husband's name. My sister did, although he would have been just as happy to take hers.

I'm curious though. Anyone who feels it's weird, for feminist reasons, to take your husband's name, how would you feel about a husband taking the wife's name? Would you be ok with that and not question it?

I guess I just think that the couple should be able to do whatever they're comfortable with. I think it is safe to say that no woman who wants to keep her own name is going to be forced to take her husband's. So, whatever name they choose should we not just wish them luck?

 

[the strange guy]

Look, let's end this little dance.
If you take your husband's surname he owns you.
Sure why not just take his first name and grow a beard with him too.
If you have a double-barrelled surname and you're not from D4, you're parents were cheeky gets with upper-middle class aspirations .
If you ARE from D4 then you already have a double-barrel on your passport, so there's not much of a problem sticking another one on to the end.
Triple surname delight.

 

[sweetoblivion]

Everything I'm saying is coming out wrong...of course I don't think women are forced into taking their husband's name...but I suppose you know how it is, when you think one way, you can't understand why people think another way. And yes, we should just be happy for people whatever they choose. As regards men taking their wife's name - that's completely different because traditionally men were never supposed to take their wife's name to keep the bloodline going, or because they were her chattel, or because they were considered of a higher status than her.