the musings of simon (1 Viewer)

[ann post]

i stole this from facebook.

The musings of Simon (contains strong language, disturbing images and infrequent Gary Glitter references)

Yesterday at 19:52

For those who don't know him, I used to have a friend who shall be referred to here as Simon (mainly as it's his name). About 5 years ago we began to lose touch. Phone calls went unanswered. Instead...he sent texts.

Odd texts. Texts which would arrive out of the blue, commenting on current news, TV, or nothing in particular. Some read like pitches for tragically-unmade sketches, others are strangely poetic, most are in gleefully poor taste, and all resisted any attempt to wrestle them into a real conversation. For 2 years before contact ceased suddenly and for good, these texts were virtually the only contact I had with him.

He isn't on Facebook, so I have no idea if he'll ever see this. But here, as a testament to his twisted genius, are the collected works of Simon. Bless you sir, wherever you are.


Simon Cowell's interactive X Factor crouch cam. Get a bird's eye view when Simon attacks.
20th August 2005

I nearly wiped out the QA dept with a frozen chicken at Moy Park. I would have bludgeoned 13 people to death had it not been for thawing out.
I’m planning an attack with a rubber chicken cannon on the poultry sector dressed as a fried egg, not before floating a giant terrorist chicken blimp overhead.
20th October 2005

Vincent Gallo has just been tossed off by the Warner Bros into a very expensive camera. Vin Gallogrinder.
21st October 2005

Gary Glitter will be beaten to death with a vanful of Tonka toys by his victims for the sake of Wang, the boy in his pants. Chil.dread.pervspants paradise.
8th December 2005

Arnie’s just lost his Austrian marbles in demanding that the Wu Tang Clan be fried too, just for good measure. Jim Cameroon.
I’m too upset about Arnold greenlighting the deathpoking of Tookie bear. He’s obviously been chatting to Himmler in the Nazi corner of his mind.
As a mark of respect to their brother Tookie, Death Row records are changing their name to Nazi Beeyatch Iz In For An Uzi Round Records. First single ‘Clock the Terminada’ is being released by KKK Bitch and is being produced by Jurgen Prochnow from his Das Boot Boom Boom Room. Pruno Ganzer.
14th December 2005

Wombles on acid clockworkoranging the Magic Roundabout with horrified results: BULGARIA ULTRAMONG.
23rd December 2005

Mike Henry has died of an avalanche of frozen piss somewhere in the Rockies. Merry bells.
25th December 2005

Sorry I couldn’t make it to the boozer. Had unexpected visit from a cross country fist fight between Mark Kermode and Mark Cousins on their way to RTE.
27th December 2005

Mike Henry has filmed Smokey and the Bandit 4 on a handycam and he will playing all the parts himself including Fred. The film is being directed by Sting. Smokey and the Bandit 1 and 2: remixed by Mike Henry and expanded by Burt Reynolds, rescored by Jerry Reed, unmastered by the Coen bros and repanned by Bazz Normans. Mark Kermode doing a 2 hour documentary on the Smokey and the Bandit phenomenon while dressed as Brother Gaylord and driving around with Mike Henry in a topless copcar, discussing the film’s place in God’s top ten ways to forget about Satan.
28th December 2005

 

[ann post]

continued (its pretty long)

Channel 4 have created a Strike It Lucky soundman for Celebrity Big Brother. When someone mentions the word jacuzzi or pool it blasts random chat and music cues from the show via the PA to avoid breakdowns from Barrymore. Also a Strike It Lucky pulpit has been erected for Bazza to stand in when he needs to feel good about himself.
In the event of Dennis Rodman raping that blonde or George Galloway, Barrymore will be whizzed off to join Glizza in a Viet slammer and hidden in his prisonwig. Rodman will be drugged with poisonous lies about Galloway and Barrymore’s lives and be found dead, face down in the shitter with the jacuzzi stuffed up his ass.
George Galloway has been stockpiling weapons of mass destruction in the diary room chair and in his tache. Saddam’s puppies are going up if Blixbender loses.
6th January 2006

I woke up with Clint Eastwood welded to my face. Dom ‘Keeper of the Cannonball Run Masters’ DeLouise.
15th January 2006

Roy has been remauled by a Trans Am near Vegas. This followed a road rage attack with Chuck Norris and Ralph Macchio’s uncle Genes Boggert.
16th January 2006

Hitler loved classical music so much he had an orchestra installed at his ‘Wonderbar Roar’ studios in Kiel. He would practice speeches there and encourage them from the control room to play along to his ravings. He would then get Jurgen Spector to do a ‘henchman down remix’ and play it at his reverse Bar Mitzvahs.
18th January 2006

Graham Norton has been assclamped in San Francisco after bumming his way through the Bay area at 60 men per hour in a 30 zone.
19th January 2006

Churchill and Hitchcock in a 45-minute deleted sequence from ‘Downfall’, a car chase across Berlin against Hitler, Rock Hudson and Dirk Bogarde.
Bryan Ferry and Roxy Music in a locked bar brawl with the Mr Zed appreciation society (est 1987) captured on Cameron Crowe’s mobile Audioflares.
20th January 2006

Kriss Akabusi in the middle of a Prozac bender at 27000 feet with Air Krishna, being restrained by a Leslie Nielsen doppelganger with prosthetic arms, during a screening of AIRPLANE! THE 3 HOUR VERSION!!! which is switching dubs every DVD chapter. Finally Kriss is shot by the co-pilot (who looks like Robert Hays) after getting stuck in the flush mechanism of the jet whilst trying to get out and surf down Everest on a pair of prosthetic arms and a block of frozen piss during the “we’re all counting on you” sequence (Hindi dub).
27th January 2006

No.1 in the Silly Noises Chart for 4 weeks running is: John Goodman landing on his frail grandfather’s balls causing death by massive groinstroke.
29th January 2006

“You men are the gayest, delete gayest of the gay. We’ll make you gayer. I’d now like to hand you over to Commander Fruitfly aka Top Gunns. He’ll have you.”
“Maverick meet your new co-pilot, Rainman. He’s a total screwbasket but is the best in the academy at taking out straight enemy pilots. Sorry about Assman son.”
“Maverick, can Assman reach your ejection handle?” “No but if he could stop yanking his own then I could give his a pull and we’d get off before the fight starts.”
31st January 2006

New entry at no.6 in the chart sees Terry Wogan getting his face blown off by a microphone spilled with brandy during the 1996 Eurovision Song Contest in Sofia.
1st February 2006

Leaving Las Vegas Burgerless. The last days of a gorging King. Elvis leaves ‘Greaseland’ in ’76 and heads to Vegas to deathgorge on cattle and pills. There he runs into a dragged up David Soul prozzing the Rat Pack. They fall in love amidst the gristle but the King suffers terrible milkshakes and flatulence.
2nd February 2006

Judge Reinhold doing 108 through Creamfields in a skip.
7th February 2006

Michael Aspel and film crew making their way through a back garden at night. They approach a man sleeping in a hedge. “Frank Bruno, This Is Your Life!”
9th February 2006

The Exorcism of Axl Rose? Open waterbottle, burn balls. Die Harderer with Groper Gruber. Chaffed Ass Canyon. Olsen twins given 17 billion to hump on Heff. Howard Stern lying dead in the middle of the bathroom. The cops are Milli without Vanilli and Big Bird trying to foil evil Stern.
12th February 2006

Jeffrey Dahmer filling in an Organ Donor application form on his fridge. Ed Gein as the world’s first DIY sex change man. Richard Gere using his ass as a hamster cannon for his pyroperv boyfriend and killing him and burning his ass to a crisp after a long night of curry abuse at a Yidskid hot house. Gossett Steer.
15th February 2006

It’s such a cunt I’ve started living in a beanbag. 12:38 am, 22nd February 2006

I’m leaving the beanbag now. 12:51 am, 22nd February 2006

Beverly Hills Cop 4 with just Det Judge Roadkill and Serge chasing the Tailpipe Killer (Kurtwood Smith) in a cement mixer for 37 minutes.
1st March 2006

Don McLean has blood on his hands. The 1971 hit Vincent inadvertently culled 317 Vinnies from existence, two of whom died of vinyl asphyxiation. Vincent Howling.

Glitter has handed in his paedophilia for now. He’ll get it back in 8 months along with his delusion and shades. Sounds like a job for the A Team. PeppersRag.
4th March 2006

Big Brother for superheroes and their villains. Batman and Zod in the kitchen plotting against Agent Smith who they’ve locked in the diaryroom.
6th March 2006

Jeremy Beadle feeling up a woman with unbalanced tits, with a slanted smile on his skewed face. Jane Baracus and Mr T Baracasbuses.
9th March 2006

I haven’t felt this bad since I saw Planes, Trains and Automobiles in 1990. Gigi Bigbeaver. Flatch.
Herman Goering as the original Wunderbra model. Hitler giving his teachers detention. Kevin Spacey buying up all the cupboards in Kansas.
18th March 2006

Old Gary’s had a bad initiation period in his first month in Vietchokey. They’ve showed Happiness 7 times for the inmates and a 4-man Macauley Culkin giant has been deployed to follow him around at all times and stare at him through the bars.
20th March 2006

A stage play about jailrape written by Jeffs Archer and starring Trevor and Simon as the rapists and Gary Lineker as Andy Bumcandy.
24th March 2006

 

[ann post]

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Milli mimed his song at Vanilli’s funeral and mimed his sobs at his transparent dad via a massive backing tape from the vicar’s pulpitdecks. A tape of the jammed stage tape performance from Dallas was played by accident, at which point Milli ran into the vestry with extra loud backing sobs from Vanilli’s subwooferbox.
30th March 2006

It’s official. Wanking licences from 2008 for all blokes over 25. £75 a year buys unlimited self-abuse. Otherwise it’s the wanking inspectors and their ballclamps.
31st March 2006

The Page Three Paedo – Never mind the tits, have you seen this major miner of minors? Kick him in his childstick if you see him. www.pulptheperv.com.
4th April 2006

Tony Robinson has been gunned down by Keith Floyd in a wine bar in Cork. Wonderfred Savageyears.
Tom Cruise and his hundred acre luxury cupboard. Kevin “I love long walks in the moonlight” Spacey.
6th April 2006

I’m writing a film called Crash Too. It’s about people who hump busted hard drives. Spader Underpervs.
10th April 2006

Would J.P. McEnroe be hard to find a double for? I’ve come up with a sitcom involving him and five Wombles called ‘Wombleroe’ set in a dive in SW19. A surefirehit.
11th April 2006

Visiting my grandparents in drag, as my sister. Just to see if they wouldn’t notice. The Mathematics of the Perveryman by Dr Pussywhipped aka Prof Hawking.
13th April 2006

1001 ways to avoid your weird-side relatives’ surprise visits by Mike Hodtherhere. No 666: Start screaming in tongues down the plughole until they fuck off.
20th April 2006

The complete Give Us a Clue DVD set. With a documentary ‘Chaos Horizon’ about the war raging between Lionel and the makeup department which ended a wigmaker.
21st April 2006

Iceman dunking a bucket of Scientologist wank over Tom Crooze’s head at the M:I 3 premiere and saying “People hate you Mav.”
29th April 2006

God and Jesus in a table tennis doubles match against Satan and Judas in the Tri-Millennium Purgatory Classic. Refereed by The Rock.
30th April 2006

Hitler: The Missing Bollock Tapes (1934-1937). A candid Hitler/Hitler production which will touch your heart. Read by Randy Hitler.
1st May 2006

A deleted scene from Lethal Weapon 3 in which a loaded Murtaugh is on the Jerry Springer show screaming and waving a gun about and sitting on a 6-foot miniature fishing boat and is handcuffed to Riggs whose ass he plugged with C4. And each cop duo in history comes on to talk him round after he gunned down some kids.
5th May 2006

Neighbours: Bushfire! Streuth! Walkabout with Lou. The prequel to end all prequels.
6th May 2006

Lightning hit the pissgeezer midflow.
12th May 2006

David Blaine crashlanding a Volvo onto Copperfield’s house from 37000 feet wearing nothing more than a Houdini codpiece.
20th May 2006

I was gang-raped in the gardening section of my library by a No Smoking sign and an Emergency Exit sign while a pair of No Talking signs held me down. Jed Rinse.
27th May 2006

Stephen Hawking at a speed dating event. And his talk box has developed electronic Tourettes. Horrible monotone swearing calculator. Finally he’s wheeled out.
1st June 2006

Paul. 33. Hideous. WLTM woman with accident face and GSOH about it. Txt HORRORMUG at 8986.
17th June 2006

Happier Days: The Movie. Fonze comes out as a screaming homosexual and Al as the first Jewish mass murdering serial killer. Ron Howard gets eaten by a cult.
22nd June 2006

Must stop texts as I’m skint. But I am writing an encyclo on pole vaulting as foreplay. Lennnnnnnnnnnn Mangle.
1st July 2006

Terry Nutkins drilling a 4 foot squirrel live on Japanese television. Abe Rubberfronkt
8th July 2006

Patient: How long have I got Doctor?
Doctor: About as long as it takes me to blow 10000 quid on hookers and Charlie.
Patient: Thanks Doctor for making it easy.
17th July 2006

I’ll make a note of it while I’m off on the magic grief kebab. Wes Bapps.
18th September 2006

George has decided to invade Antarctica in an effort to confuse Nucrea-Kim long enough for Saddam to lead a team of crack Suicide-Association-Servicemen of Iraq to Kim via scudboat and blow the little fucker up for good. That way Sad avoids the guns of Annan. Ying-Yang-Wing-Wang-Pang-Bang.
14th October 2006

A man trying to outrun a force 10 earthquake in the nude through Wolverhampton city centre – DJ Flushthatfloater and MC Itwasntme…

Wigwam Frozenballs, the first Eskimo porn star to make it out of the Arctic Circle and to the US – but to perform he needs fluffed to the balls by 4 ice-turbines.
17th October 2006

Turns out Hawking’s wife caught him talking dirty to a state of the art synth-chat sex-line and amassing a phone bill of 12 grand for 4 weeks of rampant robotica. I think we know who the ‘other woman’ is now. The same one who encouraged Stephen to build mechanical helping hands onto his console of ‘perv in action’.
19th October 2006

Professor Hawking probably set his voicebox to pre-set blazing row mode with pre-written retorts and expletives, so he could concentrate on driving mid-row.
21st October 2006

Top Gun dubbed into ubercamp. With Julian Clary as Maverick and Dale Winton as Iceman. Viper could be voiced by Elton John. Guns, buns and autoejection. Kelly Magillis should be given the voice of Frank Bruno as she looks a bit suspect in the woman stakes.
30th October 2006

By insisting on doing all his own stunts Jesus kept a trio of Jerusalem’s finest stuntmen out of work, Keith ‘Danger’ Robes, Ollie ‘Chuck’ Norris and Bob ‘Action’ France.
9th November 2006

KKK Bitch have just cut a new single. It’s co-written with the Hooded Honkies frontman MC Ho-Rider and is called ‘Mulholland Drive-by’ (for Arnie)
10th November 2006

Remember OJ on the run in that pickup. Imagine Stevie Wonder making a one-man getaway in a tourbus after his ‘whacking’ of Elton John went wrong and he wasted 4 hairdressers, 3 stylists and David Furnish’s mum, then taking Furnish hostage and destroying half of Detroit with his ‘driving’ and Macca pleading on CNN.
12th November 2006

I might have just enough for some tantric-pubbing of darkest Ulster, ordering Soberg or Nothingsweiser with dowlies.
13th November 2006

Satan and his best mates Judas and Hitler having a cosy night in in front of the tele, having a few not so cold ones and watching ‘The Late Show’ on the Afterlife channel with geezer Death as a kind of grim Parky interviewing just-dead celebs Wossy-style with the black room as a kind of Purgatory. They come out to a live undead audience and try to give a grand performance to JD about how great their work was before being cast into Room 666. In a Best Of Archive outtakes show we see Orson Welles get jammed in the flush mechanism in 1985 and being allowed into Heaven on a technicality, etc etc…
14th November 2006

Monty Python ate my father in 1979 – Bon Jehovah (Yak neuterer from Morocco) Source: El Jazzir Kamikazette.
15th November 2006

If Ron Jeremy dies, at the next Porn Awards they’ll have to do a tribute to him on the big screen with a compilation of his moneyshots slow-mo to Chariots of Fire or to Come On Everybody in fast forward, Benny Hill style.

‘The Silence of the Metermen’ – a fucking nutter who kidnaps farmers and keeps them in his cellar, teasing them with dead goats. Enter Clarence Startling…also donning a Friesian head for the market reports in the voice of Jodie Foster.
17th November 2006

Eh, write something funny enough to make Steven Hawking shoot tea from his nose. Kurt Cobrainsblownout.
20th November 2006

 

[ann post]

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SPEEDOPHILES!!!! Watch as some of America’s perviest try to outrun RSPPP Cops after being entrapped by child dummies in fast unlocked cars. The Roving Bent Ref.
30th November 2006

Bruce Campbell failed my car today on evil vibrations at the test centre. It was like a scene from the first movie, a car on ramps in a garage shaking about weirdly. Albeit an Ash with a distinctive Limavady accent. It was stormy outside and he wouldn’t let me out of the car either. Very surreal indeed.
1st December 2006

9½ Seconds: Where’s My Vibrator? Starring Boris Becker, Kim Basinger and Stan Collymore dogging in the wings. Directed by Vincent Exorcisemyknobmissblair.
21st December 2006

I’m joking of course. Just like Mel Gibson was when he was waving his lethal weapon at patrolwoman Candy Pants shouting “I’m gonna drill ’er Rog.”
30th December 2006

Headmaster calls register in Maryland Junior High 1949. ‘Jones?’ ‘Sir.’ ‘Kemp?’ ‘Sir.’ ‘Powell?’ ‘Sir.’ ‘Jennings? Jennings…?’ ‘Stick your cock up her ass you cuntfucker.’ ‘Eh…absent. Fitzgerald?’ ‘Sir.’ Etc etc.
1st January 2007

Has your pole being having an easy time of it of late? Yes? Then call Jerry Kinnov on 0898-Rod-Power for Jerry to pop round and improve your open fly casting now.
6th January 2007

Cribs – Gary Glitter takes us round his Vietnam jail luxury pad. Holmes and Blaine –
unplanned and hilarious. Hoff meets Shat at the Heffs.
Barrymore has had Stewart Lubbock sex injury perfect latex dolls patented for the gay market of hardcore pervs. Just enough to retire on, seeing as TV’s buggered.
9th January 2007

Sorry about that last one. It really wasn’t me. It was Mr Mister and The The.
10th January 2007

“I can always get my lovers stiff, the problem is they always go off after a bit and the ones who don’t are invariably one-night stands.” Paula, 30, nightcoroner.
12th January 2007

David Blaine – buried alive for real this time in Central Park West. Attended by Penn and Teller, Siegfried and what’s left of Roy, and Mr Copperfield. His choice.
17th January 2007

I’ve shunned Lethal Weapons 2 and 4 as well. Tony Hopkoid-Ivorybonk.
1st February 2007

Tearsforfearsophobia – fear of Prince changing his name to Purple Groin St’rain (Blown Myself Away remix) for his sex manual for autofellating 4ft funksters.
8th February 2007

Vernon Loaves – “I was kidnapped by aliens, gangraped and left for dead. Rescued by NASA and monitored for alien crabs doing crotch circles ever since” – Piss.
16th February 2007

I’m being haunted by a Candy fridgefreezer from my old house. I think it’s followed me here. No don’t laugh, it’s not funny. It…smells.
30th March 2007

How’s the righting coming along? Anything Paris crash ’97 yet, I mean concrete. The Corgi’s Lament.
3rd April 2007

Keith Burnside has been run over by a UTV weathervan outside Stormont – Good Friday Bereavement. As a result of this sad, BBC2 NI will blow up Julian.
6th April 2007

M Night Shyamalan’s new movie is called Extension Lead a Thousand Forests Wide. It centres round an isolated hamlet being terrorised by a forest creature with a penchant for offing villagers with a Black and Decker and 400 miles of cable before retreating to his kitchen for the rest of the drug trials in the psycho ward.
17th April 2007

10 years of cunts more like. From the Iron Chaney to Peter Mangledbums and of course 2-Jags and Ken Livingstill to David Millibland and Tossface Tony. Laboured.
1st May 2007

The Last Provocation of the Wilmot. BBC Films/Lionelblare Prods present the last 18 hours of Gary’s rag, as he encounters Clarkson in a jammed lift without fags.
3rd May 2007

BBC1 has gone into homosexual meltdown within the last hour. I’ve never seen more unencumbered campness before. They may take over and hump us all to death.
5th May 2007

Paed+Philes: Childbonkbusters at No. 8 in the bestsellers chart in Holland in the year 2024, where the age of consent has dropped so low juniorcruising rules OK. Reviewed by Chasing Kiddsh Magazine Rotterdam. “Dish ish qualiti chaildhaumping fraum shtart two finishe, Ajaxsh!!!” – Pierre van Kiddidiper.
7th May 2007

Here’s to the next batch of Hoffs. May they be passable. Neighbours: Bushfire 2 Electric Booga-lou.
8th May 2007

Mark “Brother Gaylord” Kermoog has taken Gore Verbinski hostage after ramraiding Cannes with a mobile recording truck copiloted by David Lynch in livid protest at POTC3.
26th May 2007

Trolleywood? Homelessville’s finest thesps accepting trevors from gypos and musing the crowd of greatly unwashed in cardboard-box theatre. Afloat? I hope!
13th June 2007

MRSA bars in NHS hospital vending machines. Itso rife.
15th July 2007

The Deleted Queen. Steven Frears films the Maj and Charlie discussing using the London Underground for the coffin procession and saving 3 hours.
2nd September 2007

Reverend Jim E. Saville and the Tossers Temple Cult. “Now then now then how’s about some of that there then.”
7th October 2007

 

[worthit]

Wish I knew Simon.

 

[GO]

I read the first two posts just there...INCREDIBLE.

My attention span was sorely stretched so I'm gonna say the second two for 2moro night..ULTRAMONG

 

[heir today]

this guy is a genius. it should all be published as a little book and sold at the counter in Hodges Figgis. literary sensation of the year. 'profoundly reflective of post Celtic Tiger mores... with one finger on the zeitgeist and the other up his ass' (Eileen Battersby, The Irish Times)

 

[washingcattle]

I really want to see Mullholland Drive-by. I'd say it'd be fucking class.