i stole this from facebook.
The musings of Simon (contains strong language, disturbing images and infrequent Gary Glitter references)
Yesterday at 19:52
For those who don't know him, I used to have a friend who shall be referred to here as Simon (mainly as it's his name). About 5 years ago we began to lose touch. Phone calls went unanswered. Instead...he sent texts.
Odd texts. Texts which would arrive out of the blue, commenting on current news, TV, or nothing in particular. Some read like pitches for tragically-unmade sketches, others are strangely poetic, most are in gleefully poor taste, and all resisted any attempt to wrestle them into a real conversation. For 2 years before contact ceased suddenly and for good, these texts were virtually the only contact I had with him.
He isn't on Facebook, so I have no idea if he'll ever see this. But here, as a testament to his twisted genius, are the collected works of Simon. Bless you sir, wherever you are.
Simon Cowell's interactive X Factor crouch cam. Get a bird's eye view when Simon attacks.
20th August 2005
I nearly wiped out the QA dept with a frozen chicken at Moy Park. I would have bludgeoned 13 people to death had it not been for thawing out.
I’m planning an attack with a rubber chicken cannon on the poultry sector dressed as a fried egg, not before floating a giant terrorist chicken blimp overhead.
20th October 2005
Vincent Gallo has just been tossed off by the Warner Bros into a very expensive camera. Vin Gallogrinder.
21st October 2005
Gary Glitter will be beaten to death with a vanful of Tonka toys by his victims for the sake of Wang, the boy in his pants. Chil.dread.pervspants paradise.
8th December 2005
Arnie’s just lost his Austrian marbles in demanding that the Wu Tang Clan be fried too, just for good measure. Jim Cameroon.
I’m too upset about Arnold greenlighting the deathpoking of Tookie bear. He’s obviously been chatting to Himmler in the Nazi corner of his mind.
As a mark of respect to their brother Tookie, Death Row records are changing their name to Nazi Beeyatch Iz In For An Uzi Round Records. First single ‘Clock the Terminada’ is being released by KKK Bitch and is being produced by Jurgen Prochnow from his Das Boot Boom Boom Room. Pruno Ganzer.
14th December 2005
Wombles on acid clockworkoranging the Magic Roundabout with horrified results: BULGARIA ULTRAMONG.
23rd December 2005
Mike Henry has died of an avalanche of frozen piss somewhere in the Rockies. Merry bells.
25th December 2005
Sorry I couldn’t make it to the boozer. Had unexpected visit from a cross country fist fight between Mark Kermode and Mark Cousins on their way to RTE.
27th December 2005
Mike Henry has filmed Smokey and the Bandit 4 on a handycam and he will playing all the parts himself including Fred. The film is being directed by Sting. Smokey and the Bandit 1 and 2: remixed by Mike Henry and expanded by Burt Reynolds, rescored by Jerry Reed, unmastered by the Coen bros and repanned by Bazz Normans. Mark Kermode doing a 2 hour documentary on the Smokey and the Bandit phenomenon while dressed as Brother Gaylord and driving around with Mike Henry in a topless copcar, discussing the film’s place in God’s top ten ways to forget about Satan.
28th December 2005