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Some quotes for the unconvinced:
On Love
Even as a kid I always went for the wrong women, when we went to see Snow White, everyone fell in love with Snow White, I immediately fell for the wicked queen.
Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.
(from Without Feathers)
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.
SONJA:
Natasha, to love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness, I hope you're getting this down.
(from Love and Death)
On Death:
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
(Woody Allen, on the KKK)
On Sex:
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
(Woody Allen, quoted in "New York Tribune", 1975)
Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
God
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
(from Without Feathers)
YALE:
You're problem is you think you're God.
IKE:
Well, I've got to model myself after someone.
(from Manhattan)
I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
Miscellaneous
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better ... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
(From Side Effects)
This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?
(1977)
At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.
(from Side Effects)
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
(from Annie Hall)
I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered.
DORIS:
You have no values. Your whole life, it's nihilism, it's cynicism, it's sarcasm, and orgasm.
HARRY:
Y'know, in France I could run on that slogan and win.
(from Deconstructing Harry)
On Love
Even as a kid I always went for the wrong women, when we went to see Snow White, everyone fell in love with Snow White, I immediately fell for the wicked queen.
Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.
(from Without Feathers)
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.
SONJA:
Natasha, to love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness, I hope you're getting this down.
(from Love and Death)
On Death:
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
(Woody Allen, on the KKK)
On Sex:
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
(Woody Allen, quoted in "New York Tribune", 1975)
Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
God
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
(from Without Feathers)
YALE:
You're problem is you think you're God.
IKE:
Well, I've got to model myself after someone.
(from Manhattan)
I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
Miscellaneous
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better ... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
(From Side Effects)
This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?
(1977)
At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.
(from Side Effects)
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
(from Annie Hall)
I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered.
DORIS:
You have no values. Your whole life, it's nihilism, it's cynicism, it's sarcasm, and orgasm.
HARRY:
Y'know, in France I could run on that slogan and win.
(from Deconstructing Harry)
