small talk (1 Viewer)

[jane]

not a bad day for it at all at all at all.



i've to do a lot of small talk in work.
don't like it though.

the thing that annoys me the most is the way some older irish women say "yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah".
it's the way it's done that bothers me. there's a continual inhalation of breath as they're saying "yeh" about seven times in a row. so it's like "yeah-yih-yih-yih-yih-yih".

does that make sense? anyway, does my head in.

This freaked me out completely the first time I heard it. I think I asked if the speaker was okay and maybe needed some water.

Sometimes you see younger Irish women doing it, too, and you get a flash of them just sort of waiting to grow into their housecoats and daily mass, the sort of women who are born old, born to 'tut-tut' at everything. The kind who ask you how things are, you're sort of pleased to be able to tell them if someone is sick or something because it makes them kind of light up. My grandmother on my dad's side was like that. Mega-hyper-super-Italian. Must be a Catholic thing.

The first few times someone said "C'mere to me" I bonked heads with them.

And the first time I saw Mr Jane discuss football with a taxi driver, I nearly burst a vein in my neck from the suppressed hilarity. The only sport in which he has even a passing interest is international rugby, and barely, so I was rather surprised when he carried on a rather spirited conversation with the driver (which had been started by the driver).

He explained that all you have to do is plug in some stock phrases, disagree/agree with statements without a discernible pattern, and pick a few names you've heard on the news. Easier than the awkwardness that follows if you admit you don't like sports, and kind of fun when the other person gets all hyper about something you've said.

If the driver asks whom you support, say that you watch the games, but you don't actually support any Oppressor team because it goes against your principles.

It's genius. I'm sure loads of you fellas do it.

 

[Denny Oubidoux]

ive always found that saying i couldnt give a shit about the football generally stops all conversation with people who want to talk about it. when i was a young lad i had a job delivering drinks to pubs and shops. i used to sit in the lorry all day with two gaa fans who didnt stop talking about the local matches from one end of the week to the other but i never joined in and they didnt try to include me but my mother used to worry that i was unable to make small talk with the lads so she used to read all the local sports pages and find out about the matches and give me names and events that i could drop into the conversation in the lorry.

i think when someone says "not a bad day for it" to you they mean "lets go into the bushes and have sex"

 

[mr pharmacist!!!!1]

dont give me the small talk give me the big talk

 

[ernesto]

i wants teh bigg wispa

 

[cmndr mind fuck]

ah sure, the rebels, the lads, did well now, sure who was scrum half??

 

[jillface]

i hate when people say "cheer up, it might never happen!" because any time that has been said to me it's been when something awful has just happened. dicks!

 

[Denny Oubidoux]

i hate when people say "cheer up, it might never happen!" because any time that has been said to me it's been when something awful has just happened. dicks!

its another way of saying "you're a miserable sour-faced looking prick". it has been said to me on more than one occasion and on all of them i have been perfectly happy and content up until the sayer said it.

 

[jillface]

its another way of saying "you're a miserable sour-faced looking prick". it has been said to me on more than one occasion and on all of them i have been perfectly happy and content up until the sayer said it.

but i'm not! well i don't think so anyway... my sister is the miserable sour-faced looking wan! i suppose since i dont look miserable too often people feel the need to point it out whenever i do. but they shouldnt, cos it probably means something awful has happened.

 

[Denny Oubidoux]

but i'm not! well i don't think so anyway... my sister is the miserable sour-faced looking wan! i suppose since i dont look miserable too often people feel the need to point it out whenever i do. but they shouldnt, cos it probably means something awful has happened.

i dont think im all that sour faced either, serious faced perhaps. anyway, when someone says your a miserable sourfaced auld skank what theyre really saying is "im a ball of insecurity and self-loathing and i need to use you as a crutch to relieve my own unhappiness and dissatisfaction with my life and make everyone think im a great sport". next time it happens explain this to them and ask if they'd like to chat over coffee.

 

[SONYMEGADRIVE]

i have a tiny little mouth, so pretty much everything i say is small talk

 

[Richard Parker]

i hate when people say "cheer up, it might never happen!" because any time that has been said to me it's been when something awful has just happened. dicks!

People who say this should be fed tie-first to the shredder.

(No doubt it'll be a comedy tie too).

 

[jane]

i hate when people say "cheer up, it might never happen!" because any time that has been said to me it's been when something awful has just happened. dicks!

OMG, anyone who tells me to 'smile' gets the smile knocked off their face.

One time I looked really sad and these ladies asked if I lost my dog. It actually did cheer me up for some reason. What mostly cheered me up was that they had HUGE hair and hot pink lipstick.

 

[jillface]

next time it happens explain this to them and ask if they'd like to chat over coffee.

next time it happens i'll put one hand on their shoulder, maintain eye contact with a concerned look on my face and say "do you want to talk about it?".
i find this shuts people up. where possible, address them by their first name and whack in a dramatic pause for added effect.

"bill... do you want to talk about it?"
can be followed up with "i'm here for you" or "don't be scared" or even "let me in, i want to be inside you" and an embrace that's far too tight for far too long.

 

[Hector Grey]

what's teh alternative to small talk?

deep, meaningful philosophical debates by the microwave.
-oh, you're having lasagna.
-yes, i like lasagna.
-i see, but isn't life pointless?
-well, that depends on your world vision.
-do go on..

or:

-would you like a cup of tea?
-well, actually i was raped by the preist as a child, so maybe.
-did it hurt? was it up the bum?
-well, i say rape, but really all i had to do was give him a handjob.
-do go on...

i'd rather yak about the football, frankly.

 

[the strange guy]

Small talk is alright if you get a ride out of it.
But after that ride the small talk can be excruciating.

 

[jillface]

word!

 

[nooleen]

i dont think im all that sour faced either, serious faced perhaps. anyway, when someone says your a miserable sourfaced auld skank what theyre really saying is "im a ball of insecurity and self-loathing and i need to use you as a crutch to relieve my own unhappiness and dissatisfaction with my life and make everyone think im a great sport". next time it happens explain this to them and ask if they'd like to chat over coffee.

i'm incredibly sour-faced, i often have to make a conscious effort to make my face look at least neutral when i'm out and about. doesn't work, though i'd say it's hilarious to watch. half a second of 'vapid inoffensive face' followed by a facial expression of deeply bitter existential anger. it's not like i'm actually deeply angry all the time, my face just does that. it's kind of awkward.