Tayto Cheese and Onion? You can feck right off with yerself! These are busy times with busy lifestyles and therefore demand a busier form of crisp. They mostly only come in big "I-hate-myself-this-way-but-still-frequently-resort-to-comfort-eating" bags for some wack-ass reason. Mostly.
Phileas Fogg Coriander Chutney Poppadoms - 8/10
Summary: Coriander taste with a sausage bouquet - an intriguing snack illusion.
Maybe I got lucky, but a few of these mommadoms (they just seem more ladylike to me) were the gathering places for flavours of almost unbearable intensity, reminiscent of that super-red Monster Munch at the bottom of the pack you found as a child. You know the one? The one that doesn't go crunch as you had hoped but instead just sort of dissolves, sending out a flavour bomb that leaves you with temporary mouth paralysis? Like when you pick up an empty carton of milk a little too enthusiastically expecting it to be full? OK, like when your stepfather dragged you kicking and squeaking out of ET just before the bit where he comes back to life? Like all the above, but diluted. You can deal with these events now you are older and stronger. You will not let the past control the now. Please turn over the tape......Please turn over the tape......Please turn over the tape......
Tyrells - 8/10
Summary: Like Trainspotting meets Pulp Fiction while the Velvet Underground mime the Led Zeppelin back catalogue in Kurt Cobain's back yard.
Award-winning spud shavings that cannot be found in your local Spar or Centra. No, sir. Or your nearest Tesco, Guineys, Power City, or gay sauna. They only exist as some sort of piss-take internet site. Deal with it.
"Hey wait Mr. P! You can get them in..."
STOP!! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA I'm not listening LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAA!!!!!!
Kettle Crisps Sea Salt - 7/10
Summary: Hand-cooked hand-me-downs from a bygone age before Alien Spacers and Burger Bites controlled the charts.
Just read that again: Kettle. Crisps. Sea. Salt. Some word association from the crisp psycho-analysts. I'm thinking beach picnic here and I'm feeling pretty good about meself. I haven't noticed how quickly I've just eaten a whole bag either and RIGHT NOW I'm completely oblivious to the fact that I am at this moment purchasing a further 10 family-size pouches in a range of delicious flavours. It just hasn't registered at all! I feel GREAT!
Aldi Sprinters Balanced Lifestyle Garlic & Herb - 7/10
Summary: Prole Art-crisp Threat.
Aldi crisps in a high-class swanky crisp review? God be with the days. And they're able to look some of the others featured here straight in their potatoey eyes with their dignity still intact? Merciful hour. €1.19 a bag? I think I need to sit down. 'Balanced Lifestyle'? Me ballix!
Kezzils Garlic & Herb - 6/10
Summary: Mirthsome Mediterranean Muzzle-Stuffers.
Being almost named after a Jerky Boys character should be reason alone for voting these the Golden Chairlift award in this year's Thora Hird 'Chortle With Crisps' Challenge. But the fun doesn't stop there! These are rib-ticklingly similar to the Aldi variety - separated at birth no doubt, and destined for different paths in life, reunited only briefly in the throes of death, clinging on to each other as they perish in a boiling sea of one's digestive juices. I could be wrong though. The word crunchy is often bandied about on bags willy-nilly by willy-nillying crisp pushers, but it's use is truly justified in this instance. So much so, that these are equally handy around the house for cutting paper, lino, diamonds and flesh.
Walkers Sensations Thai Sweet Chilli - 5/10
Summary: Over-rated, Over-priced, Over-18s - Bacardi Breezer should be enjoyed responsibly.
The Walkers Sensations range will go down in history as the first crisp (amid the ingredients and nutritional (dis)information) TO CREDIT THE FUCKING PHOTOGRAPHER! David Loftus we salute you! His moody spud-scapes and near medical standard meat portraits totally mess with your head, bringing to the table all manner of conflicting mental baggage. Still though, after you realise these are nothing more than oversize crisps (like bigger potatoes are all la-di-da all of a sudden) in pretentious beyond belief packaging, those Sam Spudz Hot Lips you cruelly discarded will be tearfully welcomed back into your household like a maize and MSG Terry Duckworth.
M&S Herb Chicken and Sicilian Lemon - 10/10
Summary: Dinner.
Gorging pitifully on these while trying to watch Desperate Housewives, wondering "why....WHY did he dump me? All men are the same" I noticed I was at best, only half listening to the television and 100% not looking at it at all, as I was mesmerised by the lifelike photography on this heavy duty foil bag. I couldn't help but think that their portrayal of a country kitchen surface, laden with herbs and lemons and whatnot, resembled my own with startling accuracy. My kitchen is completely covered in empty crisp bags, JUST LIKE THIS ONE! David Loftus I hardly knew ya! They are an exceptional variety, but I definitely wouldn't give them 10/10.
Tayto Honest Salt & Pepper - 6/10
Summary: Angus Deayton, Jack Dee, Jimmy Carr, PJ Harvey etc.
Best enjoyed with some cream crackers topped with flour, washed down with a glass of salt while sitting in a furnace. Alright, I'll spell it out for you - these are very, very dry. They are low in fat apparently, so eat as much as you possibly can! But they can't have sacrificed on flavour can they? Why, yes! They've ignored it completely, the hooers. Either way, these low fat miracles of science are Honest, and honesty is a virtu(ally tasteless addition to the crisp world). Be careful not to mix these up with 'feminine' products when purchasing, as the packaging and in some cases contents, are virtually identical. Old Mr. Tayto must be turning in his chip-pan, ho ho! We had a chip-pan fire when I was 5 and it melted all my Lego.
Fusion Roast Beef with Peppercorn Sauce - Unrated due to harmful cheese content
Don't know what possessed me to pick up these little horrors. HACK! BLOIK!! BLEEUohjesusUUAAAARGH!!!
Look out for issue #3 next week - juice.
If I'm arsed.
Ha ha ha ha ha
