Bored In Work 118 (1 Viewer)

[It Will Never Last]

A PC guide to talking about men/women

How to speak about men and be Politically Correct:

• He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
• He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
• He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
• He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
• He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
• He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
• He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
• He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
• He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
• He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC VISION

​

How to speak about women and be Politically Correct:

• She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
• She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
• She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
• She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
• She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
• She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
• She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
• She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
• She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
• She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
• She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
• She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
• She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
• She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

 

[It Will Never Last]

Ah, this is fucking great this is:

I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.

Editor of the Limerick Times
(Limerick, Ireland)
​

 

[cookiemonster]

Re: Are you smarter than a 4 year old?

i got them all right.

i'm special!

 

[nlgbbbblth]

Re: Are you smarter than a 4 year old?

I would imagine all domestic refrigerators would be too small to accomodate a giraffe or an elephant - especially with the presence of shelves/compartments reducing the available space.

therefore the test is bullshit

 

[SadieOutlaw]

Re: Are you smarter than a 4 year old?

I would imagine all domestic refrigerators would be too small to accomodate a giraffe or an elephant - especially with the presence of shelves/compartments reducing the available space.

therefore the test is bullshit

yes, thank you....

(phew!)

 

[avernus]

Re: Are you smarter than a 4 year old?

I find this test offensive.

 

[shidheat]

Re: Are you smarter than a 4 year old?

Pre-schoolers smarter than me because I only got one question right? What about basic algebra? Can a pre-schooler do that? No. I don't think so.

 

[guy of the tiger]

Re: Are you smarter than a 4 year old?

Pre-schoolers smarter than me because I only got one question right? What about basic algebra? Can a pre-schooler do that? No. I don't think so.

he can:

 

[avernus]

Re: Are you smarter than a 4 year old?

4 year olds are invariably psychotic

 

[It Will Never Last]

Re: Are you smarter than a 4 year old?

Pre-schoolers smarter than me because I only got one question right? What about basic algebra? Can a pre-schooler do that? No. I don't think so.

Yeah, but whats the point of knowing that shit if you can't remember that 2+2=4.

Or as Barney would say...

Two plus two is four
Two plus two is four

 

[spiritualtramp]

I'm on it! Yikes!

so billy, were you on this last last or what?

I did listen to the wireless for about half an hour and then gave up. see my previous post somewhere on this thread.

 

[sarah]

so billy, were you on this last last or what?

I did listen to the wireless for about half an hour and then gave up. see my previous post somewhere on this thread.

billy is probably now on a plane on his way to New York, wiggling
round in his seat trying to imagine what it feels like to have an
arse with feeling left in it and wondering which short
legged prick-munch designed those seats.

I'm sooo jealous!

 

[pete]

new look PS2:

http://ie.playstation.com/news/newsStory.jhtml?storyId=106058_en_IE_NEWS

 

[rocktopus]

snigger

 

[guy of the tiger]

http://www.breakingnews.ie/story.asp?j=87972150&p=8797z675&n=87972752&x=

 

[nEiLo]

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to
sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if
blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to
Wolverhampton when I Was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I
looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian.
They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just
graduated from flying school.
Ahmed Ahmed at C34

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She
said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"
I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed
as a goat. Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with
you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well.
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ...
Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have
botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look
shocked.
Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork ...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went
along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
The circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a
plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an
Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be
quiet.
Ahmed Ahmed at C34

Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw
a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a
try... What a rip off.
Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
Seymour Mace at Caf' Royal

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the
right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not
religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What
this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
Colin Ramone at The Stand

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw
this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
Arnold Brown at The Stand

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
shitting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

 

[Zeelander]

Fuckin David O'Doherty nicking my jokes again. I think he's a hoot. He paid me a compliment from the stage at one of his gigs before and I went pink and tripped over. I'm some spa.

 

[guy of the tiger]

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

heh! heh!

I like this one

 

[cassette/tape]

Fuckin David O'Doherty nicking my jokes again. I think he's a hoot. He paid me a compliment from the stage at one of his gigs before and I went pink and tripped over. I'm some spa.

what, like, nice suit?

*penguin reference.

 

[It Will Never Last]

Fuckin David O'Doherty nicking my jokes again. I think he's a hoot. He paid me a compliment from the stage at one of his gigs before and I went pink and tripped over. I'm some spa.

Were you not sitting down? So how did you trip over?

Must have been slapstick-tastic.