whats long and hard and full of semen? (1 Viewer)

[snakybus]

[font=Geneva,Arial,sans-serif] A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps [/font][font=Geneva,Arial,sans-serif] etc etc[/font][font=Geneva,Arial,sans-serif] [/font]

Oh my word. I just knew there was an awful pun on the way but something kept me reading....

 

[czar]

talking of bees . . .

three beekeepers are standing around chatting at a beekeepers convention, discussing the queen-to-bee ratios in their respective hives

the first beekeeper says "yes, I find that around 500 bees to a queen produces an excellent yeild of the finest honey"

"indeed", says the second beekeeper, "i myself go for around 2000 bees for each three queens - the honey is remarkable and sells for a small fortune, and yourself?" looking at the third man

beekeeper 3 says "well, i'd have about 50,000 bees going for it with just the one queen"

"good lord," say the others, "doesn't that cause chaos in the hive, lower your yeild while exhausting and killing your queen?"

and yer man says "Fuck em, they're only bees"

 

[sugar_referee]

three men walk into a pub.
one of them is a little bit stupid.
and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Irish Bar in New York . Totally empty but for two guys. One goes over to the other, thick Irish accent. ''were you from fella?''
''look , I just want to have a quiet pint and not be talkin to strangers''
''ah now im only interested where you from?''
''look , I just want to have my pint and thats it. im from mayo if you must now''
ah here boy sure im from mayo. where in mayo?''
''look fella, i just want to drink my pint so fuck off and dont be botherin me. im from castlebar if you must now now fuck off''
''christ almighty , im from castlebar. where in castlebar?''

suddenly the phone rings behind the bar. american bartender goes to anwser it. ''what?ah boss, same shit business as always...the O Connor twins are pissed again though''








sorry

 

[Unicron]

A baby seal walks into a club.






















That's the joke

 

[moc]

A woman was in a coma. The nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what had happened, telling him , “Crazy as this sounds , maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma”.



The husband was sceptical , but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.



After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined , no pulse , no heart rate . The nurses ran into the room . “What happened ?” they cried.





The husband said “I guess she choked.”

 

[hanley]

what's brown and sticky?

A BIG SHIT STAINED COCK!

hanley, logoutof youraccount whenfinished... alsothere's something wrongwithyer spacebar... heheheheheh

 

[throat]

Three dyslexics walk into a bra.....

 

[Kid Lovebeach]

Who's the soundest guy in the hospital?











The ultrasound guy.

and what to they do when he's not around?





bring in the hip replacement guy.

 

[washingcattle]

how do you know your sister has her period?







You can taste it on your dads dick.

 

[Froog]

why did the plane crash?








cause the pilot was a loaf of bread.

 

[Diumraid]

It's a nick-nack Patty-Mac, give the frog a loan.... his old man's a Rolling Stone.

Now Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervaise, with vile green hairy-lipped squid.

A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

That's all I got.

 

[shidheat]

what's red and invisible?

no tomatoes

 

[nooleen]

how do you get a clown off a swing?

Spoiler

hit him in the face with an axe

how do you kill a circus?

Spoiler

go for the juggler

what should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Spoiler

wipe it off and apologise

a man goes to see a psychiatrist, wearing only a pair of cellophane boxer shorts.

Spoiler

the doctor says, i can clearly see your nuts.

how do you titillate an ocelot?

Spoiler

oscillate its tit a lot

what's irish and stays out all night?

Spoiler

patty o'furniture

ETC.

 

[ravishinrikrude]

scientists have recently discovered the toothbrush was originally invented in scotland. "it was quite obvious really", said a spokesman, "if it had of been invented anywhere else it would've been called a teethbrush".

 

[plug]

heheheh

 

[guy of the tiger]

What do you call an irishman who breaks up fights?

Liam Malone

 

[weird]

[FONT=Geneva,Arial,sans-serif] A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down the High St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". [/FONT]

[FONT=Geneva,Arial,sans-serif]On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then. Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". [/FONT]

[FONT=Geneva,Arial,sans-serif]A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the Headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales person's attention. [/FONT]

[FONT=Geneva,Arial,sans-serif]"Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar". [/FONT]

[FONT=Geneva,Arial,sans-serif]The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there. [/FONT]

[FONT=Geneva,Arial,sans-serif]"Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?" [/FONT]

[FONT=Geneva,Arial,sans-serif]Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently Playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side" [/FONT]

Death isn't good enough for you

 

[Vinnie]

Death isn't good enough for you

It's always good to see a new poster with impeccably high standards and a willingness to kill to maintain those standards. Makes for a much better board imho

 

[plug]

agreed. it's the new posters that keep me glued to these boards after six long tiresome years. bravo sir. well done. salud!

whatever happened to spiritualtramp?

 

[east hastings]

http://oldjewstellingjokes.com/