Where Have I Been All Your Life? (1 Viewer)

[Luther Blissett]

"I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed rock"

 

[Anne OMalley]

Well here’s what happened, Joss. I fancied meself something rotten on Friday evening and I’d had me beady eye on a table where there were two handsome ladies engaged in conversation. Very erotic, that – conversation. Naturally, I waited for one of them to go to the bar before cornering the other.

Here’s what I said:

“I love you. You don't sweat much for a fat lass. If you were a donkey, I bet you'd be a really tall elegant one with lovely legs and great tits. Is there room in your belly for a lodger? Do you wanna go halves on a bastard? So. Are you getting off with me, or what? Get your coat, you've scored. You'll not do any better for yourself.”

She said nothing. Her friend came back from the bar. I turned to her and said:

“Didja do a wee or a poo? Is your pussy dripping honey? I hear you're dirty.”

She kicked me in the nuts and called the police. Within minutes there came a heavy Garda, possibly from the county Offaly. I said to him:

“You look rapid. D'ya wanna go someplace where I can grunt in your face?”

“Turn the fuck around and shut the fuck up,” he said.

Then he cuffed me and took me outside. I spent the night in the Bridewell getting off with petty thieves against my will. Romance, at last. That’s what I get for taking the lads’ advice.

joss (14 Jan, 2002 10:51 a.m.):
So how was the success rate this weekend with this fine array of lines?
Anne O'M, did you try them out?

 

[Stuart Little]

--------------------------------------------

If you wanna see *smooth* in action, read the below. See, last year I developed an unhealthy fascination for a Blue Peter presenter, Liz Barker (pictured below). I even had a little shrine on my desktop, a folder full of little pics found on the internet.
Eventually the stalker in me overpowered my more rational sensibilities, and I decided that contacting the BBC to tell them how I felt would be the 'best thing to do'. In a happy turn of events, instead of receiving a 'cease and desist all communications' email, the lady in question actually responded to me personally.

I think my 'chat up line' is what clinched it - and is equally applicable in a spoken context as it is suitable for written communication.

> -----Original Message-----
> From: [email protected] [SMTP:[email protected]]
> Sent: 14 February 2001 16:33
> To: [email protected]
> Subject: CBBC Blue Peter
>
> Name: notforthumpedeyes
> Message: I have to say:
> I fancy Liz Barker something awful. She rocks my little world.
> Regards,
> notforthumpedeyes.
>
> Location: Dublin
> Age: 25
> E-mail address: [email protected]
>
>
>


-----Original Message-----
From: Blue Peter <[email protected]>
Sent: Fri, 2 Mar 2001 13:04:41 -0000
To: "'[email protected]'" <[email protected]>
Subject: RE: CBBC Blue Peter

Dear notforthumpedeyes

Hello, thank you so much for writing such nice things. I think I look awful
on TV, tall and long with an annoying laugh but it's lovely to hear the
opposite.  I really like your name and think you are lucky to live in
Dublin. It's one of my favourite places.  I love it and the Irish accent!

Thank you for cheering me up.  Take care.

Love Liz
_________________

Yes, she says Love, Liz.

 

[pete]

if that's real, then i have the sneaking suspicion she didn't read the "age:25" bit.

 

[Ex-User (250)]

so ... eh ... stewart, you doin' anything after work? you wanna get a martini? maybe start some crazy rock band? the hand of bosco?

 

[Stuart Little]

1: Pete, it is real. And I got that feeling myself when I read her mail. Doesn't mean I didn't print it out and fetish it for several months.

2: Hag, you're such a flirt. I'm all yours. I'll meet you at the top of the ferris wheel in funderland, and I'll bring my guitar & practice amp - you just bring yourself.

 

[Goodbye]

I was once shagging this burd from the I.D.A. and I was creating so much cheese that she gave me a grant...

 

[Ex-User (250)]

Stuart Little
2: Hag, you're such a flirt. I'm all yours. I'll meet you at the top of the ferris wheel in funderland, and I'll bring my guitar & practice amp - you just bring yourself.

yay! a date! i insist on bringing my practice kit. we can practice with each other's amps/kits (armpits). i'll show you that bitch-whore liz ain't nothin'. you know i was with philip from bosco? and i kept a bit of him, will share with you later...

 

[chriths]

hag (14 Jan, 2002 02:04 p.m.):

Stuart Little
2: Hag, you're such a flirt. I'm all yours. I'll meet you at the top of the ferris wheel in funderland, and I'll bring my guitar & practice amp - you just bring yourself.

yay! a date! i insist on bringing my practice kit. we can practice with each other's amps/kits (armpits). i'll show you that bitch-whore liz ain't nothin'. you know i was with philip from bosco? and i kept a bit of him, will share with you later...

mongos, why don't you actually make some music? like, really? you could be the toughest looking outfit in all of dublin.

 

[Ex-User (250)]

hey! all the above is code for 'meet me at rehersal room at 8.30, bring pack of rebel ribbed arousers'. talk about missing the boat chrith. i'd actually be scared of what kind of filth/slime would happen/occur between me and stewart, unless he plays guitar that is... one has to smoke a lot of doobie.

 

[chriths]

i ain't being jocular! yer should!

 

[the bearded lady]

Chrith (14 Jan, 2002 02:40 p.m.):
i ain't being jocular! yer should!

chrith, hag is ALWAYS jockular!

hey, is your picture really, you know, you and ...you know?

 

[chriths]

the bearded lady (14 Jan, 2002 04:27 p.m.):

Chrith (14 Jan, 2002 02:40 p.m.):
i ain't being jocular! yer should!

chrith, hag is ALWAYS jockular!

hey, is your picture really, you know, you and ...you know?

it is...

it's me and him down the local park in i think 1987. my friends ma used to clean his house and he used to come down and play football with us in the park. bizaare...

 

[Ex-User (250)]

i'm sorry but who is he?

 

[mark]

PeeWee (14 Jan, 2002 01:54 p.m.):
I was once shagging this burd from the I.D.A. and I was creating so much cheese that she gave me a grant...

sounds like a classy girl, do you have her number?
she could call mine the fillet of langer.

 

[chriths]

hag (14 Jan, 2002 04:38 p.m.):
i'm sorry but who is he?

hag! it's joe from the leppard!

jesus...

 

[Anne OMalley]

Is he the guy with only one arse?

Chrith (14 Jan, 2002 04:44 p.m.):

hag (14 Jan, 2002 04:38 p.m.):
i'm sorry but who is he?

hag! it's joe from the leppard!

jesus...

 

[Ex-User (250)]

Chrith (14 Jan, 2002 04:44 p.m.):
hag! it's joe from the leppard!
jesus...

i meant the guy with the funny ears!

 

[chriths]

hag (14 Jan, 2002 05:09 p.m.):

Chrith (14 Jan, 2002 04:44 p.m.):
hag! it's joe from the leppard!
jesus...

i meant the guy with the funny ears!

[1]dang...i should have seen that coming...poor FA cup head...[/1]

 

[snakybus]

hag (14 Jan, 2002 05:09 p.m.):

Chrith (14 Jan, 2002 04:44 p.m.):
hag! it's joe from the leppard!
jesus...

i meant the guy with the funny ears!

I thought it was some gaa player posing with the Sam McGuire