What would you do? (2 Viewers)

[classic seanc]

take photos on your phone and call the cops. and tell him you are calling the cops.

Y’know, I was told by the Health and Safety people in work that digital photographs carry no weight in court, because they can be tampered with.
Is this true? Because it sounds mental.

 

[broken arm]

Y’know, I was told by the Health and Safety people in work that digital photographs carry no weight in court, because they can be tampered with.
Is this true? Because it sounds mental.

actually that's probably true. i was going to suggest filing it but you'd probably get done for happy-slapping.

 

[jane]

she was terrified. Her daughter (about 14/15) was there watching the whole thing. Thats another thing that made me glad to have stopped it.

I was chatting to her while we were waiting for the gardai. She said she made a complaint about her husband before. For the same thing. This time though, she said he threatened to kill her.

Fucking hell. Poor kid, too. I hope things turn out okay for her.

 

[rettucs]

Ugh, you must feel like shit.
Despair is all I end up feeling. And anger.

thats kind of nail on the head.

I mean, that particular situation was diffused. But it might just have made things worse. I dunno. But what are you meant to do?

You're right, not all people are shits. There are a lot of them though. And why some have so little regard for other human beings, I'll never know.

And incidently, several people stopped to check if the woman/situation was ok. All of them were women/girls. Not one other bloke stopped to help. I thought that was a bit bad. Maybe I'm being harsh though, cos the situation might have looked under control or whatever, but....I dunno

 

[jane]

thats kind of nail on the head.

I mean, that particular situation was diffused. But it might just have made things worse. I dunno. But what are you meant to do?

You're right, not all people are shits. There are a lot of them though. And why some have so little regard for other human beings, I'll never know.

And incidently, several people stopped to check if the woman/situation was ok. All of them were women/girls. Not one other bloke stopped to help. I thought that was a bit bad. Maybe I'm being harsh though, cos the situation might have looked under control or whatever, but....I dunno

That may not be because they didn't want to help. When I had my head bashed in, this really lovely fellow stopped to see if I was okay, but because he didn't know what had happened, he flagged down a woman just in case and then took off in case I was uncomfortable (which I wasn't, but he didn't want to pry -- just ensure I was all right). It was actually much more that he was concerned that whatever happened might have made me nervous around men, and didn't want to add to it.

Sadly, though, most people don't want to get involved, especially if something is domestic. There are thousands of stories of people being beaten to death in broad daylight and no one wanted to get involved. Or someone hears fights and violence in a neighbour's house, but they don't want to intrude. I've had so many friends in abusive relationships, and I never knew what to do because you couldn't stop it, and getting involved also put me in physical danger more than once. I had a friend who was living with her boyfriend and a mutual friend, and sometimes the boyfriend would beat her so badly that she had to call in sick from work until the bruising went down. I didn't know this until much later, but anyway, the thing that bothered her most was that the friend completely pretended nothing was going on. Yeah, he couldn't have stopped it, but it's the message it would have sent to *her* about not deserving to be hit, rather than convincing him it's wrong to do it.

You couldn't have made things worse -- that guy has choices. No one makes him hit his partner. If things get worse, they are not because you tried to stop her from getting beat up. Because what's the inverse of that? That things are better if he beats her? Of course not. You can't stop it, which is probably part of why you feel so shitty about it.

 

[rettucs]

call me naive, or even just a moron, but why to people stay in abusive relationships? We all have choices, right?

Or are they just too scared to leave them?

I don't know of anyone in a relationship like this. I'm sure people I know are in relationships like that, and that I just don't know about it.

How can anyone inflict pain on another human being like that? And in a relationship it has to be even worse due to the mental torment that goes along with the physical abuse

 

[Thebeard]

thats kind of nail on the head.

I mean, that particular situation was diffused. But it might just have made things worse. I dunno. But what are you meant to do?

You're right, not all people are shits. There are a lot of them though. And why some have so little regard for other human beings, I'll never know.

And incidently, several people stopped to check if the woman/situation was ok. All of them were women/girls. Not one other bloke stopped to help. I thought that was a bit bad. Maybe I'm being harsh though, cos the situation might have looked under control or whatever, but....I dunno

Fair play to you Scutter, but i couldn't guarantee i'd get involved. I've actually previously been walking home and a guy and girl were arguing on a corner near my house. He was lifting his arm and threatening to hit her, he was shaking her up big time but never actually hit her. When i reached their level on the other side of the road i just stood there and they both looked over, he let her go and turned away and walked off so i didn't have to get involved. But a guy who lives around the corner from my missus did get involved and got stabbed in the stomach. This is no joke she actually knows the guy, he almost dies. Also thats not the only event i've heard of like that, so thats why i'd think twick before getting involved.

 

[jane]

call me naive, or even just a moron, but why to people stay in abusive relationships? We all have choices, right?

Or are they just too scared to leave them?

I don't know of anyone in a relationship like this. I'm sure people I know are in relationships like that, and that I just don't know about it.

How can anyone inflict pain on another human being like that? And in a relationship it has to be even worse due to the mental torment that goes along with the physical abuse

Oh, man, it's so complicated. It's a combination of factors, not just because they are scared to leave. And also they aren't just scared of physical danger, they've become so reliant on the person that they're afraid they can't survive without them. Then there's the fact that the abuser is often also very vulnerable, and the person on the other end frequently recognises that vulnerability and has convinced themselves that if only they were more patient, or more understanding, or more something the partner would deal with their vulnerability better, but that they certainly worry what would happen to their very sad, angry, often self-loathing partner if they left to
'selfishly' save their own butt.

I mean, every relationship is different. The dynamics of abuse can't be summed up, and you know, it's VERY common to see mutual abuse, although there's always a 'dominant abuser'. In other words, what people on the outside see is people abusing each other, but there's always one who is kind of, doing it more, I guess. It's often a relationship that has turned toxic and should have ended.

And sadly, while it's important to help support people who want to leave abusive relationships, it's important not to demonise abusers *too* much, thus deterring them from getting the help they clearly need. They need to be held accountable for what they do, but people don't become abusive if they're emotionally healthy and not in need of help. Usually, the vulnerability that the abused partner recognises is very, very real, and their recognition of this is sometimes what sets the abuser off.

Arg, so many reasons people don't leave. And you probably do know someone who is in one, they're just good at hiding it because that's another thing that happens. People don't want to talk about it, so you think you don't know anyone, but it's pretty common.

 

[rettucs]

hey morg, in that situation you described I'd have done the same thing. Its slightly different when you see someone on the ground getting physically kicked and punched. I guess it set the alarm bells ringing more ferociously. Thats what caused the instincts to kick in I guess.

jane, fair enough. I guess that part explains it, but I'll still always have difficulty understanding it. Why can't life just be easy?

 

[Vinnie]

I once asked a girl if she was okay when her bloke was leaning in really agressively and poking her hard in the face and they both chased after me. I figured it was to thank me for being a good citizen so I didnt mind too much. They didnt catch me though. Nobody calls me a good citizen

 

[frona]

What I usually do is tell myself to just ignore it, instantly get really really angry and rush over and interfere.

 

[Hector Grey]

i once stopped a fight between to newly weds, on honeymoon, in majorca. she was pissed, he was about to rain down punches. i told him to stop. he did. we both carried the missus back to the hotel room and let her sleep it off. he was very apologetic. i'm sure he battered her the minute i left. it was an unedifying experience. i didn't envy them.

 

[Sufi]

call me naive, or even just a moron, but why to people stay in abusive relationships? We all have choices, right?

Or are they just too scared to leave them?

I don't know of anyone in a relationship like this. I'm sure people I know are in relationships like that, and that I just don't know about it.

How can anyone inflict pain on another human being like that? And in a relationship it has to be even worse due to the mental torment that goes along with the physical abuse

A friend of mine was in a relationship where the guy hit her and belittled her in front of his friends all the time. I never understood it. Actually we stoped being friends while they were together because we would fight about it.

She used to say that when they were on their own that he was the best guy in the world. He also had family/emotional problems.. But I think he was just an ass.

 

[Space]

Fair play scutter, I reckon you did the right thing.

 

[La La]

scutter, you're a good guy.

if i had seen that every bone in my body would have been saying "do something!!!" but then i would have also remembered my mother saying 'just call the police, dont ever put yourself in harm's way, etc'

of course being a female i would have to approach the situation differently, as some wife-beating thug would just take a look at me and probably take a swipe.

but it sounds like you did the right thing, even though you never know what the outcome will be.

 

[Diddles]

You were right to do what you did Scutter. I've done it a couple of times and in fairness it was risky, but I'd do it again. I couldn't stand by and watch someone get beaten, no matter who they were. All the incidents I got involved in were outside pubs, strangely enough

I intervened years ago when some bloke was hitting his girlfriend outside a pub. He had her up against a wall and was slapping her around. I told him to stop several times and he wouldn't so I grabbed the back of his head and lashed it off the wall. This resulted in me getting a few slaps, then my mates hopped in, his mates hopped in, the entire pub emptied and there was a riot on the street. It ended with us fleeing the scene being chased by loads of skinheads.

Saw a simliar thing outside a club in Carlow one night and told yer man I was calling the cops and tried to pull him off the woman. Ended up with me being pinned against a wall, but HMD came out just in time. Fucking bully nearly shat himself when he saw him and made off pretty quick.

Another time I saw this woman being dragged by the hair into a car and went over. This turned out to be a husband/wife thing and the sick thing was that there were other family members standing around telling me to mind my own business.

 

[sweetoblivion]

Fair dues Scutter - that took balls and I'm glad it went ok and you didn't get hurt either! Poor woman. If he'll beat her up in the street, imagine what he does behind closed doors.
I'd be no use to someone if I interfered in a fight, being a smallie and a weakling, but at the same time I'm the type to interfere when I see something unjust happening. I find it hard to keep my mouth shut and it could land me in trouble one day!
Anyway, I hope you're feeling ok Scutter. Be proud of yourself and yet thankful it went OK. Hopefully the woman will have the strength to leave her husband at some point, although that may be unlikely

 

[therealjohnny]

This song just came on my player...

apt

Old Crow Medicine Show

Let It Alone




Well, you see two people fighting
Them man and woman, say
You think that it's a crime for them
To carry on that way
Well, you think that you could stop that row
But just as you draw nigh
The lady with the poker
Strikes the gentleman across the eye

Let it alone, let it alone
If it don't concern you, let it alone
They know their business, all right, all right
They practice that way every night
If you go buttin' in, they'll break your chin
So mind your own business and let it alone

Well, you say that love's against you
And on your weary way
Well, lying in the gutter
A drunken man, we'll say
He's lying in the gutter
And you can tell that he's all in
But on his necktie plainly gleams
A great big diamond pin

Let it alone, let it alone
He's not your pal, so let it alone
The man is drunk, it may be true
But the diamond don't belong to you
So shut your eyes and eat some sighs
Turn around and beat it and leave it alone

 

[Hector Grey]

what if she was just a gowl?

 

[TenRabbits]

As a matter of interest - what if you saw a bunch of knackers attacking someone who was clearly just in the wrong place at the wrong time?

I'd say the chances of anyone doing anything there are much less, but still I've witnessed some of the most unlikely people throwing themselves into something like this to stop it. Guys who are very physically unthreatening standing up to groups of fuckheads to stop them beating the crap out of some poor dude. The only time I've been involved was when I saw something like this outside the pub, a smallish guy ran up to stop it, whereupon they turned on him. I think it was more out of guilt the no was else was helping that I went over, but the fact that two people stepped in seemed to put the wind out of them a bit.

My flatmate (who is from london) is someone who literally will ALWAYS step in.. it's crazy. He's one of the nicest blokes you could meet, but just sees red when he sees things like this or theft etc. He once saw some teens trying to wheel my scooter out the door of the carpark in our apartment, red mist came down, he shouted "OI!" at them, and five of them run out of the door. He goes running after them, and after about 200 yards they realise it's only him. They stop to turn on him, and he runs up and decks the nearest one, no words passed. He then starts going for any of them he can get, to their apparent horror. They see some older dude walking past (maybe 20 or so) and start shouting to him to "come and sort this fucker out".
My flatmate (who'd had a few drinks I might add) thinks to himself "oh ho.. I know what's going on here" - runs up to the older guy and flattens him before he can get a word out. The lot of them take this opportunity to run for life up the road!