Here's a round-up of some of the more widely available strawberry-tinged spoon-assisted dairy treats. Why only strawberry? Well, strawberries and kittens are two of the only things worth loving on planet earth, and in the absence of kitten-flavoured yoghurt, strawberry is the only legal flavour worth bothering your hole over...
Mullerice Strawberry - 7/10
Summary: Like eating a decomposing (but delicious) brain
After you ride out the initial 'cold...lumpy....this is WRONG' mental wretch-fest, something that's well short of an epiphany occurs. Dis shit is guuuud! Stir the fucker first though for peats's sake, you vanilla-loving gaylord. Also, DO NOT PAY NO HEED to the heating instructions, unless sweet, runny, sweet, hot SICK is your idea of something favourable to be slithering down your deep throat.
Yoplait Strawberry 3/10
Summary: 'Perennial favourite' toxoid wankathon.
Always contains two or three objects that resemble full-sized strawberries - but much smaller. The yoghurt is dayglo pink and way different from when yiz were chizlers. What happened?
Sno Strawberry Fruit Crumble - 6/10
Summary: Bosch's Garden of Earthly Delights triptych in dessert form
Fairly unassuming when you first open it, but mix 'em up and it's pure chaos. And when mixed, it quickly becomes difficult to track just how much of the crumble stuff goes in your mouth with the yoghurt/fruit medley. And you may find this leads to unchewed and unauthorized crumble swallowage - "maybe to a lung" you think briefly. If I counted all the fleeting moments unwanted surprise I've had as a result of this phenomenon, I would have about 38 seconds of PURE FEAR.
Sno Strawberry Yoghurt - 7/10
Summary: Oft overlooked and wrongly labelled a poor man's Yoplait. It's the thinking woman's Mona.
This has a kind of waxy artificial quality that leads me to think it may be completely synthesized. But just as there was nothing wrong with Yazoo (the band, not the milk drink), there's nothing really wrong with Sno (the yoghurt, not the Informer). It's the Bishop from Aliens of yoghurts - a bit shifty at first, then reliable (but artificial), and ultimately ripped in half while saving a child.
M&S Extremely Fruity Strawberry Yoghurt - 8/10
Summary: One of the best when administered in small doses.
Plagued by the mini-me fruit syndrome of the Yoplait, this up-and-coming unsigned band is nonetheless one to watch, and has already sparked a lot of media interest with their dreamy summer harmonies and Pixies-like approach to no-nonsense rock. As this is M&S, remember when receiving your change the correct response to "der ya go luhhv, tree yooro twen-teee" is throw your eyes to heaven while muttering "sub-human scum".
M&S Organic Strawberry Yoghurt - 9/10
Summary - Freeness of guilt, abstract as this may sound, never tasted so good.
Despite the M&S brand name, this is organic - which means all the money goes to charity and saves the environment while cutting down on government weapons spending and making you lose weight - one more reason to love this naughty little rouge. Tastes naturdle, partly because this is heavily implicated on the carton.
Dunnes Strawberries & Cream - 9/10
Summary: Cheeky, with faintly obscene cream finish.
The laughable gold carton adds a touch of (lower) class, as does the promise of Mare du Bois (or whatever - this is from memory) strawberries. As it still foolishly says Dunnes Stores on top it's really a Burberry carton with Arc de Triomphe strawberries. Free of bells and whistles, the overall effect is pleasurable and speaks for itself. "I am pleasurable" it will say to you as you fight back the screams and vomit. Shameless bandwagon-jumping from St. Bernard, but convincing enough to be a close second to...
Tesco Strawberries & Cream - 10/10
Summary: The Daddy
Just a quick glance at the ingredients - soylent green, special stuff, government-approved extract of kitten - should be enough to convince even the most hardline religious fundamentalist that this is the movie-as-yoghurt Kubrick will be remembered by. Of course if they packed it in a Tesco Value-style carton the rating would go way down, and this just shows you what a difference a bit of attention to marketing can make to your taste buds - and to your wallet. Notice how different your wallet tastes after it's been marketed to you properly? Amazing!
Look out for issue #2 soon - Posh crisps
Mullerice Strawberry - 7/10
Summary: Like eating a decomposing (but delicious) brain
After you ride out the initial 'cold...lumpy....this is WRONG' mental wretch-fest, something that's well short of an epiphany occurs. Dis shit is guuuud! Stir the fucker first though for peats's sake, you vanilla-loving gaylord. Also, DO NOT PAY NO HEED to the heating instructions, unless sweet, runny, sweet, hot SICK is your idea of something favourable to be slithering down your deep throat.
Yoplait Strawberry 3/10
Summary: 'Perennial favourite' toxoid wankathon.
Always contains two or three objects that resemble full-sized strawberries - but much smaller. The yoghurt is dayglo pink and way different from when yiz were chizlers. What happened?
Sno Strawberry Fruit Crumble - 6/10
Summary: Bosch's Garden of Earthly Delights triptych in dessert form
Fairly unassuming when you first open it, but mix 'em up and it's pure chaos. And when mixed, it quickly becomes difficult to track just how much of the crumble stuff goes in your mouth with the yoghurt/fruit medley. And you may find this leads to unchewed and unauthorized crumble swallowage - "maybe to a lung" you think briefly. If I counted all the fleeting moments unwanted surprise I've had as a result of this phenomenon, I would have about 38 seconds of PURE FEAR.
Sno Strawberry Yoghurt - 7/10
Summary: Oft overlooked and wrongly labelled a poor man's Yoplait. It's the thinking woman's Mona.
This has a kind of waxy artificial quality that leads me to think it may be completely synthesized. But just as there was nothing wrong with Yazoo (the band, not the milk drink), there's nothing really wrong with Sno (the yoghurt, not the Informer). It's the Bishop from Aliens of yoghurts - a bit shifty at first, then reliable (but artificial), and ultimately ripped in half while saving a child.
M&S Extremely Fruity Strawberry Yoghurt - 8/10
Summary: One of the best when administered in small doses.
Plagued by the mini-me fruit syndrome of the Yoplait, this up-and-coming unsigned band is nonetheless one to watch, and has already sparked a lot of media interest with their dreamy summer harmonies and Pixies-like approach to no-nonsense rock. As this is M&S, remember when receiving your change the correct response to "der ya go luhhv, tree yooro twen-teee" is throw your eyes to heaven while muttering "sub-human scum".
M&S Organic Strawberry Yoghurt - 9/10
Summary - Freeness of guilt, abstract as this may sound, never tasted so good.
Despite the M&S brand name, this is organic - which means all the money goes to charity and saves the environment while cutting down on government weapons spending and making you lose weight - one more reason to love this naughty little rouge. Tastes naturdle, partly because this is heavily implicated on the carton.
Dunnes Strawberries & Cream - 9/10
Summary: Cheeky, with faintly obscene cream finish.
The laughable gold carton adds a touch of (lower) class, as does the promise of Mare du Bois (or whatever - this is from memory) strawberries. As it still foolishly says Dunnes Stores on top it's really a Burberry carton with Arc de Triomphe strawberries. Free of bells and whistles, the overall effect is pleasurable and speaks for itself. "I am pleasurable" it will say to you as you fight back the screams and vomit. Shameless bandwagon-jumping from St. Bernard, but convincing enough to be a close second to...
Tesco Strawberries & Cream - 10/10
Summary: The Daddy
Just a quick glance at the ingredients - soylent green, special stuff, government-approved extract of kitten - should be enough to convince even the most hardline religious fundamentalist that this is the movie-as-yoghurt Kubrick will be remembered by. Of course if they packed it in a Tesco Value-style carton the rating would go way down, and this just shows you what a difference a bit of attention to marketing can make to your taste buds - and to your wallet. Notice how different your wallet tastes after it's been marketed to you properly? Amazing!
Look out for issue #2 soon - Posh crisps
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