If the Terminator (reprogrammed to murder humans), Mohammed Ali (in his heyday (bayyybeh)) and Mother Teresa (alive) were pitted against each other in a fight to the death, who do you think would win? Well now, the Terminator was a robot with super-human, almost robotic strength, so neither of the other two would pose much of a threat. Ali could probably knock out and possibly kill MT with one punch providing the Terminator didn't get to him first. MT, a frail (but strong-willed) old woman since childhood was against violence of any sort and realistically would have no chance against either of them anyway. So, the Terminator would win.
No arguments there. But throw a different set of contestants into the ring, make them edible, and a completely different outcome arises...
Red Sauce - 2/10
Summary: Ubiquitous and versatile crimson gunge.
"Yeah, no give us a bit more there yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah....yeah, yeah, yeah....yeah, no a bit....yeah, yeah........yeah and......yeah...yeah.....yeah....grand". Sound familiar? How the fucking fuck much of this stuff do people really need? Some people I'm sure would agree to have special valves surgically attached inside their mouths to release several litres of this crap any time they have to eat something. "I mean like, no way am I eating that until it's up to it's knackers in ketchup (SQUIRT! SPLOOOP!!)" as they might say to you.
Strawberry Complan - 10/10
Summary: Convalesce to success!
Apparently you can live on this stuff. All the world's problems solved by a powdered substance? Yeah OK cocaine does have its good points and although it does provide several nutrients, it isn't strawberry flavoured which is the crucial factor in Complan's top rating. Amazingly, no governments seem to have caught on to this. If enough of us appeal to the UN (or Aul Mr. Brennan) to manufacture shed loads of this pink wonder, we may never have to sit through another godawful Geldofathon. One thing puzzles me though - at the bottom of the mug there is always this multi-coloured gunk that I can't help but think may be the all the good-for-you stuff that's listed on the pack. But we can work through this. Complan is aimed at the infirmed, but imagine if strong, intelligent, healthy people (Aryans, for example) were to start guzzling it on a daily basis - why, humans could take over the WORLD!
Meat - (0 or 10)/10
Summary 1: (Sarcastically) The delicious rotting flesh of vicious animals that would eat you as soon as look at you.
Summary 2: (Not sarcastically) The delicious rotting flesh of vicious animals that would eat you as soon as look at you.
Ah yes, meat. I couldn't write an essay on it here, but I won't. Meat can at once be a cruel mistress and a Parker-Bowles. My opinion on meat reflects the feelings of whoever the biggest, angriest person with strong opinions on it may be in my company at that present moment. If you've been keeping up to date with current affairs, you will know that meat is not as safe as it once was. Some people try to kidnap and molest meat so you must remember to keep it safely locked away. As a humorous aside, I went on the Atkins diet once. Took me aaaages to eat his head, it was manky!
Birds Eye Steam Vegetables - 7/10
Summary: At last, a way to cook vegetables.
I love veg I do. But I often thought that just like meat, veggies could maybe perhaps be cooked also yes no? It could open up a whole new way of looking at the food we live in today. Captain Birdseye (so called because of his eye-shadow, glitter and long lashes) was well ahead of me. They supposedly "cook naturally in their own steam" but I found I had to use a "microwave oven" to finish the job. Minor gripes aside, Birds Eye Steam Vegetables are easy to serve and popular with children. Minor gropes aside, Michael Jackson is a sleazy perv and unpopular only with children who are unable to afford competent legal representation.
4x Mr. Kipling French Fancies - 6/10
Summary: The sweet-toothed raconteur Mr. Kipling takes us on a whimsical Gallic odyssey (with a homoerotic subtext).
Why four? Well there's three flavours, or rather colours, so if you go maybe yellow first (they're probably the mangiest), then a brown, then a pink, and follow that with a final brown well, you're no Steve Davis for sure but you are the major shareholder in a six-a-side fancy French Fancie team. 5 of them is overdoing it a little and 6 is just buffoonery, albeit of the fanciest variety. The rating is 6 out of 10 and there are 4 French Fancies in question. Multiply 4 x 6 and divide by 10 giving you 2.4. Tom Cruise is definitely gay. 2 + 4 equals 6 which was the original amount of Fancies. 6 is a number.
Kelloggs Fruit Winders - 7/10
Summary: They are the Winders beneath my wind.
A concept all too familiar to our bloated friends Stateside, it is only in recent years we have been introduced to the bizarre practice of rolling solidified jam and incomprehensible cartoon strips together into a cosmic ball of wrong. After tearing off and eating the cartoony strip it seems a shame to throw away the leathery fruit bit, as to me that contains the most flavour, but I was going for the authentic cultural experience so I threw it in the 'trash'. Now I am just as willing to embrace these strange foreign rituals as the next man, but if you'll look behind me there you will notice that the next man is Bernard Manning, so get this wacky Yankee-doodle horseshit outta my face already!
Apples - 7/10
Summary: How do you eat yours?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Never a truer word - apples give you the pox, so your regular GP will keep his distance and refer you immediately to a specialist. They come in both green and red and here's an interesting optical illusion you might like to try at home. If you hold an apple of each colour up to your eyes you'll miss the 22nd anniversary screening of Jaws-3D COMPLETELY. All well and good in front of the telly, but what about when you're paddling about in the Pacific? You'll look like some eejit then floating around with two apples while that big 'ol shark bites your leg, cock and anus off.
Next time in issue #6, I'm going to take you all out for a curry.
