personality jokes (1 Viewer)

[Ex-User (250)]

post up jokes which go a long way to describe what type of person you are... like a joke that appeals to your sensibilities. here's mine.

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?

 

[veryslowey]

what's the difference between a catholic goat and gerry adams?

 

[Bill Shatner]

An infinite amount of monkeys walk into a bar and say EVERYTHING



It's me favourite

 

[Super Dexta]

Alcohol and calculus don't mix! Don't drink and derive: know your limits.

 

[steveamanakick]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Sheep
Interrupting She...
(interrupting loudly) BAAAA

An oldie, but an allegorical one

 

[pete]

the tommy cooper doctor / it hurts whenever i do this / so don't do it then joke.

classic.

 

[Alan Remorse]

i have posted this before, but it sums me up quite well i think...

DARTH VADER: Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas
LUKE: How did you know?
DARTH VADER: I have felt your presents.

 

[Tombo]

An infinite amount of monkeys walk into a bar and say EVERYTHING

Quite possibly the best joke ever! Hats off.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

[plug]

one I'm sure we've all heard (still my favourite though):

two hydrogen atoms walk into bar

hydrogen atom 1: "I think I've lost an electron"
hydrogen atom 2: "Are you sure?"
hydrogen atom 1: "Yes, I'm positive..."

 

[pete]

the insomniac dyslexic agnostic who'd lie awake at night wondering if there really was a dog

 

[plug]

what's the difference between a catholic goat and gerry adams?

"I don't know slowey, what is the difference between a catholic goat and gerry adams?"

 

[throat]

Alcohol and calculus don't mix! Don't drink and derive: know your limits.

A farmer wins the Lotto but he says loves farming too much to give it up.
Instead he decides to do up the farm and make it a bit easier on himself. So he gets landscape gardeners in to redesign the fields, interior designers to do up his cottage and buys himself a big fancy tractor. He's still got plenty of money left after all this and decides that, for the laugh, he'll get a theoretical physicist to design a new cow shed. So he brings the theoretical physicist out, shows him the old cow shed to give him an idea of what's involved and tells him he's got free rein on all aspects of the design.
Six months later he still hasn't heard anything back and is getting quite annoyed as the old cow shed is a real eyesore on his new, improved farm. He rings up the theoretical physicist and asks what the delay is. The theoretical physicist replies, "Imagine if you will, a spherical cow of infinite mass".

 

[Wilbert]

This wealthy Dublin 4 woman (where would jokes be without stereotypes?) goes to see a psychiatrist.
Woman: "I have a terrible problem with my son."
Doc: "What is it?"
Woman: "It's so awful. He thinks he is a bus!"
Doc: "What do you mean?"
Woman: "He goes running around town all day, stopping at bus stops, telling people to 'hop on'. I can't tell you the embarrassment it has caused my husband and I at the golf club"
Doc: "Well, I'm afraid there is only one thing for it, I must speak with him."
Woman: "Oh, he'd never come in alone"
Doc: "Well, you will have to take him."
Woman: "What, me take the bus?!?!


Well, it made me laugh.

 

[veryslowey]

This wealthy Dublin 4 woman (where would jokes be without stereotypes?) goes to see a psychiatrist.
Woman: "I have a terrible problem with my son."
Doc: "What is it?"
Woman: "It's so awful. He thinks he is a bus!"
Doc: "What do you mean?"
Woman: "He goes running around town all day, stopping at bus stops, telling people to 'hop on'. I can't tell you the embarrassment it has caused my husband and I at the golf club"
Doc: "Well, I'm afraid there is only one thing for it, I must speak with him."
Woman: "Oh, he'd never come in alone"
Doc: "Well, you will have to take him."
Woman: "What, me take the bus?!?!


Well, it made me laugh.

thats so racialist you know theres poor people in dublin 4 when the 45 from bray goes through you know

 

[Bag'o'cans]

how long is a duck

 

[ratmonkey]

What did St Patrick say when he was driving the snakes out of Ireland?


"Are ye alright in the back?"

 

[guy of the tiger]

Why did the bakers hands smell ?


'cause he kneaded a shit.

 

[LMD64]

My dad txt'd this to me...


A blonde phones the fire brigade & says her house is on fire. The fireman asks "How do we get there?"
"Helloooo!" the blonde replies, "In the fucking big red truck!!!"




My dad's great.

 

[TenRabbits]

What's green.. has six legs.. and could kill you if it jumped out of a tree at you...?

-a snooker table.

That was my favourite joke as a kid, along with what's red and not there? - no tomatoes.

Bit random non?

 

[carcass]

How come ghosts cant have babies?



Cause they have holloweenies