jokes? (1 Viewer)

[thegoone]

anyone heard any good jokes

Ill get the ball rolling

Did you see stevie wonders new video on mtv the other day?
neither did he

Whats the difference between purple and pink?
the grip

theres 2 flies on a dog turd and one farts
his mate turns around and says
"do you mind im eating"

 

[kstop]

- Doctor, doctor, I keep getting the urge to sing The Green Green Grass Of Home!
- Ah, it sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome.
- Is it common?
- It's not unusual.

 

[rumpus]

the queen dies

One of her dogs says to the other

'least we wont be blamed for pissing on the sofa anymore'

 

[fleo]

more jokes

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrots?


What's a nun sittin on a clown's lap?
Virgin on the ridiculous.

 

[Squack]

what's green and sits in the corner?

a bold frog

 

[Squack]

how did helen keller's parents punish her when she was being bold?

they moved the furniture around

why did helen keller's dog run away?

wouldn't u if u were called uuuuuuuuuuuugggggggh

 

[Theseus Mock]

Originally posted by Squack
how did helen keller's parents punish her when she was being bold?

they moved the furniture around

why did helen keller's dog run away?

wouldn't u if u were called uuuuuuuuuuuugggggggh

That's so cruel! I'm actually blind. Never thought of that, huh?

 

[Squack]

no i didnt actually thats a good one

 

[thegoone]

blind

so is stevie wonder!

 

[thegoone]

2 cannibals are eating a clown and one cannibal
stops chewing and asks his mate
"does this guy smell a bit funny to you?"

 

[Theseus Mock]

what d'ya call a bunch of retards in a swimming pool?

Vegtable Soup.

 

[Alex]

Nurse: "Doctor! Doctor!!! The patient in room 23 has a penis like a lemon!!!"

Doctor: "OH MY GOD, is it yellow?!?!?"

Nurse: "Nope, just sour"

And after this pearl of Italian humour, I go home. See you tomorrow

A.

 

[Beanstalk]

Best joke in the whole wide world...

A man pays his doctor a visit...


Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"

Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."

Doc - "What??"

Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."

Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?

Man - "Not really"

Doc - "What about stress at work?"

Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"

Doc - "That sounds very stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated"

Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"

Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets"

Doc - "That sounds stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."

Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"

Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."

Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"

Man - "Eat Monster Munch and watch porn"

 

[Anne OMalley]

A chicken, two tomatoes and a lettuce walk into a loaf of bread...

Christ I'm hungry.

 

[rumpus]

Guy sees the sign in a pet store window 'talking dog'

He goes in to see.

Guy: 'What's all this about a talking dog'

Dog sitting on the counter: Yyyup. That's me.

Guy: Holy shit! How the...what....?? What's the story?!

Dog: yeah well, when I was a pup I realized I had this gift for speech. So anyway I was almost immediately hired by the CIA....worked with them for a few years on different things. They would put me in offices of power and I would listen in....spy on conversations.....thart kind of thing...

Guy: Cool.

Dog: Yeah it was great money too! Anyway, then I worked for a few marketing companies for a while...doing ads on telly...public appearances and all that....but soon enough I got tired of that. The life was too hectic, ye know?

Cool: uh-huh?

Dog: So then I spent a while with a circus...a really fun summer it was...but the money was crap. Eventually I ended up going back to the CIA ....did more spy work for them until I got too old for that.....and here I am!

Guy: Wow. What a life!

At this point the store owner comes out.

Guy: That dog is amazing.

Owner: (not impressed): ye I suppose he is...

Guy: Is he for sale?!

Owner: yyyep.

Guy: Really? How much?

Owner: 10 quid.

Guy: 10 quid?!! That's for nothing! Why so cheap?

Owner: Because he's a fucking liar, he never did any of that stuff.

 

[shower another shower]

Two tampons walking down the road.
Which one says "hello" first?

Neither, they were both stuck up cunts.



and,


How do you know your sister is on her period?
There's a strange taste off yer da's cock.

 

[Squack]

Originally posted by Bing
Two tampons walking down the road.
Which one says "hello" first?

Neither, they were both stuck up cunts.



and,


How do you know your sister is on her period?
There's a strange taste off yer da's cock.

and i though my helen keller jokes were bad!

Christ almighty

 

[Juno]

What do you call a leper in a swimming pool?

Porridge (or Alka Seltzer)

 

[Vinnie]

What have The Sixth Sense and the Titanic got in common?

Icey Dead People.

 

[Ex-User (1487)]

sixth sense? icey? they were just dead really. what a shit joke.

this guy bring his wife to the doctor, not sure what wrong with her... she's acting strange or something. docto examines her, strokes his chin, then his balls and says "well, it's one of two things but i can't tell which, your wife either has amnesia or aids"... so they guy says "shit, well, i need to know pretty soon if my wife has aids or not... what'll i do" ... doctor goes "well, here's a thing. stick her on a bus headed down town. if she comes back, don't fuck her".