Crank calls (4 Viewers)

[jane]

Some dumb bint has got hold of my number and now she and her mates are dialling directly into my voice mail and leaving stupid and unfunny messages. Seriously, in my day, you planned out your crank calls and made sure they were fucking funny. If you're going to be a nuisance, at least amuse me. Make recordings and intersperse them with live speech. Use sound effects records. Be fucking creative, bitches.

Either that or they're like super-post-meta-ironic or something. One of the messages was, "You sound American, ha ha ha ha" referring to the accent in my outgoing voice mail message. Thing is, bitch has a spoilt brat voice like a Foxrock Tara Reid and sounds as smart as a box full of crabs.

Fucking hell. I know I've officially become old when I genuinely think someone should give spoilt bitches like that a box about the ears.

Then again, I'm sure I made crank calls as a kid that I thought were genius but were actually just shite.

Fuck it. Hope yizzers are all dandy. Haven't been around much. Moved house, so on dialup for a while, and have been working like a stupid crazy thing. I miss yiz, though, I really do.

 

[muffin]

does yr voicemail give ya the option to press 6 or something to call back?

if not then ring yr provider and tell them you've been receiving numerous prank calls and see if they can help ya out..usually they can..

was only wondering about yr whereabouts earlier today weirdly enough..

 

[jane]

I did ring Vodafone, but there's not much they can do unless I go through the gardaí. Bummah! I imagine they'll get bored calling me soon enough, I just wish that they'd at least be funny about it.

I was away all week for a work thing: Cork, Dungarvan, Kilmacthomas, Waterford City, Carrick-on-Suir. Fo' real. I quite like Waterford. I enjoyed posting from the free wifi in my hotel room, too, like.

So exhausted, but the work is deadly fun. Met a really old dude yesterday who was...interesting. In the middle of the meeting, he hoisted his buttcheeks up out of his chair and let out a very loud parp, then went back on his, "Remind me again why you're here?" In a way, it was a fair bit like Thumped.

Limerick and Tipp next week.

How are you, anyway, muffin? I think you're in Cork, aren't you? Wish I'd been there for long enough to meet up for boozes with peoples.

 

[jane]

Wait, maybe you aren't in Cork? I dunno now. Why did I think that, like, if you're not?


And has anyone actually gotten any GOOD crank calls lately, or do kids not have any respect for the past?

 

[pete]

many many many years ago i used my pc + modem as an answering machine. It would save incoming messages as .wav files and could also use any .wav file for the greeting. Anyway, since I hate the sound of my own voice I used homer simpson's answering machine greeting (this one).

So I arrived home one day to find over 40 hangups and a few messages. Apparently some telemarketer had rung my phone, liked the message, then got all his telemarketer buddies to ring it to listen. Not being the brightest of folks, quite often they'd forget to hang up.

That night, I got as many audio clips referencing idiots as possible ("What would you do if you had a brain?" from The Wizard of Oz, etc.) and spliced them together with the telemarketers accidental messages and made myself a new greeting.

The next evening i come home to over 50 more accidental messages, including stuff like "listen! listen!! That's johnny's voice there!" etc. So naturally, I gathered the best together and made another new voicemail greeting...

This went on for a few days until i got bored and turned off the answering machine. the end.

 

[Lili Marlene]

Pete, that story was amazing.

 

[pete]

Pete, that story was amazing.

about halfway through i was thinking "why am i even typing this? who cares?" then i was like "yeah but if i stop now then it's been a total waste of time" then i was "uhh whatever nobody's going to read it", but then i was finished anyway so i hit the button.

yeah the same thing just happened.

 

[Lili Marlene]

If I ever write a sitcom i'm using that.

 

[pete]

make sure you include the dodgy drum & bass backing track i used on day 2 so

 

[pete]

oh this other time i answered the phone and it was (what sounded like) a real old woman. she just repeated "help me. he won't let me leave the house. please help me. please..." a few times. I couldn't tell if she was for real or not, maybe it was a wrong number or she'd just mashed the buttons until it rang someone, but it freaked me out a little. i just kept telling her to hang up and call the police, but i don't think she was listening to me (or was just trying to freak me out even more). Eventually she did hang up.

In hindsight I'm like 60/40 convinced it was a crank call... but i dunno.

 

[Diddles]

Jane, you should get some people you know to do a new voicemail recording for you. Low quality audio, static in background, walktalky type stuff.

Person1: Garda strike team, this is Vodaphone tracking HQ. We have triangulated the signal. I repeat, we have triangulated the signal! Transmitting vector coordinates.

Person2: Roger that, VHQ, we have received coordinates. All units proceed to intercept. GO,GO, GO!


That'll put the shits up the them. (maybe not do it so American though )

 

[plug]

make sure you include the dodgy drum & bass backing track i used on day 2 so

haha, I did that once! spent ages making a junglist breakbeat and putting a ragga voice over it, complete with timestretches etc. "leave a mmmmmesssssssaaagggggggeeee mmmmmmonnn". ah, so many wasted hours...

 

[plug]

actually jane, isn't there the facility where you can press 5 or some number to callback the number of the person who sent the message? you can ring them and FUCK them ourrovih...

did you do anything fun in cork?

 

[Wobbler]

Is it not prank call?

 

[pete]

Is it not prank call?

it's only a prank if it's funny

 

[muffin]

Wait, maybe you aren't in Cork? I dunno now. Why did I think that, like, if you're not?


And has anyone actually gotten any GOOD crank calls lately, or do kids not have any respect for the past?

ive never been to cork..although i did nearly end up there for a weekend the other week

i remembered why i thought of you today..i was watching spongebob and it was a deadly episode and i thought 'i wonder how jane could have been so late discovering how deadly spongebob was?'..then i realised i hadnt read anything from you in ages...strange eh?

 

[Diddles]

Is it not prank call?

The Mericans say crank instead of prank, don't you know.



::clef::You say po-ta-to and I say po-tah-to.::clef::


Actually, I say 'be-day-deh' and the Yanks say 'What. Evaaah. Like it's just a wuuurd for gawwwds sake'

 

[Janer]

I am drunk and can't be arsed reading past the 1st post but fuck Janey at least u didn'nt try and pin the blame on me.
BTW I feel kinky.

 

[ernesto]

I am drunk and can't be arsed reading past the 1st post but fuck Janey at least u didn'nt try and pin the blame on me.
BTW I feel kinky.

classic janer

 

[flashback]

what was it... oh yeah, so in the vein of Pete's recording post, I used to work in this place waiting tables in NYC. I would work late enough, and get off my face as the night wore on.
Basically every night.
Then I would cycle home absolutely bollixed.

The funny thing was though, since I was eager to please during my first week, i caved, and agreed to work the odd morning shift. Then they pushed it, as the alcoholic nights wore on.
Soon enough I wasn't having this morning shite, but the occasional call would still come in, from a manager etc.

One day I arrive in, and everyone is rolling about when they see me. I am looking at them. Very nice. Very nice. Ha ha. Fucking yanks. Whats so fucking hilarious.
Then they get all quiet, and the stereo comes on. They recorded the call they made to me that morning, asking me to come into work early.
In fairness... i didnt recognise myself. I had no recollection of them riniging me, at all. Basically, it sounded like Tom Waits, drunk, and furious, and... I was just completely incoherent. I say "it", like, I didn't understand myself. I was a caricature of everything bad about Irishness.

So, ehhh, yeah. I think the moral of the story is, we probably all sound thick enough on tape.