IFF
Well-Known Member
[please note, if you are using this as advice, you are in trouble. This is not meant to be serious and i will not be held responsible for actions of another person. Indeed, i should not be the person to give dating advice to anyone]
Lost Art of Chivalry
Announcer: people today we will look at chivalry and what it entails. There are pitfalls to this art and we will also examine this. First it is Holding Doors
This is important. Often the first thing when you go on a date is to hold a door whether it is the front door, back door, the window you are holding to break into another person's house so you can cavort or a car door. Also remember to hold it gently. Let's now look at the pitfalls to this act
He: Well howdoyoudo Madam
She: quite well.
Watch as they walk to the door and as He opens the door, she's get in but sadly He slams the door in her hand, breaking her hand. This should not be done. Wait until she is in the car fully and that her hand is not in the way. Do Not slam the door in her hand, causing irreversible damage
example No. 2:
Here he is holding the window for the lady in question. They are breaking. Look at the technique he employs, smooth and allows her to get in without any damage. Let's take a closer look
He: right are you in fully?
She: Yes dear
The alarm goes off
She: What is that?
He: Fuck, i think it's the alarm.
He slams the window at this point
She: Come back, you bastard and help me out
He: Look, call me in 3 years time when you are released from prison. I won't wait for you, but we'll see how things turn out
Do you see what he's done wrong here. For one, he's a complete asshole. For two, well one covers it
Now part 2 of the art of chivalry is to Walk on the outside, whether it's in the street, in a pub or in the countryside. This is to provide a human shield effect to the relationship. He should act as a shield for articulated lorries, those damn bicycle couriers and soak up the mud from potholes when cars drive by and splash you. The more dirtier you are, the higher you are on the scale of chivalry although the cleaner you are, the more likely you'll have intercourse
But they're pitfuls as we see in this example. He and She are going to the country to hike and tresspass on farmers land. There are dangers here. Some farmer have pitchforks and this isn't nice. Yet another reason to be on the outside. If you get poked with a pitchfork, this is major points in chivalry. But there are bulls and this is a danger.
The problem with countryside is that there is really no paths to follow so you need 2 men to be on the outside. Do not do the following
He 1: Hi mate, could you help us
He 2: With what?
He 1: well we are going hiking in the countryside but we need another male to walk on my girlfriend's left hand side as i can only walk on one of her outside
He 2: What do i get in exchange for this?
He 1: Well you can take her to bed as long as you use condoms.
She: What you are whoring me out?
He 1: Yeah, your problem?
She: You are whoring me out. What other problem could i have with it?
He 2: She's not really my thing.
He 1: What? She's stunning.
He 2: Well possibly but i prefer the company of men
She: Ok, our new offer, you can take my boyfriend to bed instead of me. You don't even need condoms.
He 1: Dear, aren't you worried about getting an sti next time we sleep together
She: Not really as after today, we'll be broken up.
He 1: Well why?
She: For whoring me out, you idiot.
He 2: in fairness, i'd dump your ass if you did that to me
Remember, always be willing to take one for the team. She probably will never speak to you again if you offer her up instead of yourself. Be considerate.
Tip No. 3 is to give up your seat to her on a bus or train. Indeed, to make an even better impression, give up your seat to a person with a disability or an elderly person. This would impress her as this shows you like to help complete strangers. As always there are pitfalls.
Example 1:
He & She are on a bus.
He: Look, there's an elderly person having to stand up. I think i'll give up my seat for her.
She: That's very sweet of you. I'll reward you hansomely for doing so.
He: That's nice but a good deed is it's own reward.
He gets up and offers to seat to elderly person. At this time, the bus driver gets up and notices people are standing. At this he makes the following announcement
Bus Driver: I'm sorry people due to nregulations, you can't be standing on this bus as it goes on the motorway
He: What, i just got up to give my seat to the elderly woman
She: Honey just get off and wait for the next one.
Bus Driver: Yes, you are holding everyone up, mister. Please vacate the bus and wait for the next one.
He: And when is the next one?
Bus Driver: tomorrow at 8am
He [to elderly person]: Please, could i get my seat back
Elderly person: What? In this neighbourhood? I wouldn't be alive in an hour's time
Bus Driver: Please sir, if you don't leave the bus, I'll have to inform the Gardaí
She: Yeah, Honey, your parole officer won't like hearing that.
There is another pitfall, you could be offering the seat to someone that your girlfriend finds sitting beside unappealling. For this example, He & She are on a train
He: I'm going to give up my seat to that person over there
She: The guy with the highly infectious arm that is totally uncovered and foaming at the mouth with appears to have rabies?
He: Yes. Your problem
She: Well for one, his arm is highly infectious and another point is that he's foaming at the mouth
He: details, darling, details.
She: I know you are trying to be kind but please don't. I don't want to sit beside someone foaming at the mouth.
He: You are being selfish.
She: Yeah, that arm looks highly infectious, if you don't mind.
Tip No. 4 is to help her with her chair but only if she's happy with this happiness. If she isn't, don't. This is the pitfall the couple face now. In this example, they are at a nice restaurant
He: Do you need help with the chair
She: No, it's fine. I'm 29, not 92.
He: No, i insist.
He gets up and helps She with the chair. However She is very uncomfortable with this and is struggling against He's forceful nature in this regard.
She: Just leave it be. I don't need your hindrance.
He: I'm hindering you, I'm helping you.
At this time, he pushes in the chair with force. This causes the wine glasses on the table to spill and ruin the cloth
She: I said I could do it myself.
He: Well look at the mess you caused.
She: I caused it? You were the idiot that wouldn't take no for an answer.
He: There you admitted you caused it.
She: You are really not worth my time. Think I could have been curing world hunger or doing some gardening instead i wasted it going on this date with you.I'm going home
Tip No. 5 is to carry the umbrella. This might seem irrelevant but your job is to keep your loved one dry. If you can't keep her dry with an umbrella, what hope have you of keeping her dry with a roof if you two move in together. However you have to careful as not to take out too many innocent victims with the umbrella as possible. This is not death race, you do not score points for hurting people. You score points for keeping her dry. The umbrella could also be used as a weapon in order to help clear the path of slow walkers who annoyingly get in your way.
Using the umbrella as a weapon cancels out any brownie points you may get from being chivalrous by holding the umbrella.
Your girlfriend will more then likely, also get wet from the experience which is a further negative point
The final tip for chivalry is walk her home. When walking her home, it is your job that she arrives safely at her home. This also covers other points featured earlier. You should walk on the outside and if raining, you should hold the umbrella. But do not do make critical comments about the area if you've never been there before. Small talk can be tough. You have to be careful not to say the wrong thing. Please see the following example
He: God, this is a really bad neighbourhood. And what's up with the smell.
She: Well i don't neccessarly agree.
He: Why would anyone choose to live here
She: Nice people, good neighbours
He: Yeah, i'd rather not live somewhere which makes Louth seem hospitable.
She: Well actually, my home is
He: And don't get me started on the unruly looking people around. Look at that guy across the street
She: Oh, yes that's my brother
He: What?
She: Yeah, he's like loveable teddy bear
he: teddy bears tend to have some hair or fur. He's completely shaved head
She: Well that's not very nice, he's just had chemoteraphy so he can't particularly help it
He: Opps, well how far do you live from here
She: The next house.
He: Will i see you again
She: Not a chance. Well bye
She slams the door.
So people, you have learnt a bit about human nature and how to be chivalrous. Not only that you have also learnt what not to do. What more could you ask for?
--------------------
The influence here was an article in the irish times health supplement about chivalry. Please see - http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/health/2009/0407/1224244125961.html
I hope you all like it
Lost Art of Chivalry
Announcer: people today we will look at chivalry and what it entails. There are pitfalls to this art and we will also examine this. First it is Holding Doors
This is important. Often the first thing when you go on a date is to hold a door whether it is the front door, back door, the window you are holding to break into another person's house so you can cavort or a car door. Also remember to hold it gently. Let's now look at the pitfalls to this act
He: Well howdoyoudo Madam
She: quite well.
Watch as they walk to the door and as He opens the door, she's get in but sadly He slams the door in her hand, breaking her hand. This should not be done. Wait until she is in the car fully and that her hand is not in the way. Do Not slam the door in her hand, causing irreversible damage
example No. 2:
Here he is holding the window for the lady in question. They are breaking. Look at the technique he employs, smooth and allows her to get in without any damage. Let's take a closer look
He: right are you in fully?
She: Yes dear
The alarm goes off
She: What is that?
He: Fuck, i think it's the alarm.
He slams the window at this point
She: Come back, you bastard and help me out
He: Look, call me in 3 years time when you are released from prison. I won't wait for you, but we'll see how things turn out
Do you see what he's done wrong here. For one, he's a complete asshole. For two, well one covers it
Now part 2 of the art of chivalry is to Walk on the outside, whether it's in the street, in a pub or in the countryside. This is to provide a human shield effect to the relationship. He should act as a shield for articulated lorries, those damn bicycle couriers and soak up the mud from potholes when cars drive by and splash you. The more dirtier you are, the higher you are on the scale of chivalry although the cleaner you are, the more likely you'll have intercourse
But they're pitfuls as we see in this example. He and She are going to the country to hike and tresspass on farmers land. There are dangers here. Some farmer have pitchforks and this isn't nice. Yet another reason to be on the outside. If you get poked with a pitchfork, this is major points in chivalry. But there are bulls and this is a danger.
The problem with countryside is that there is really no paths to follow so you need 2 men to be on the outside. Do not do the following
He 1: Hi mate, could you help us
He 2: With what?
He 1: well we are going hiking in the countryside but we need another male to walk on my girlfriend's left hand side as i can only walk on one of her outside
He 2: What do i get in exchange for this?
He 1: Well you can take her to bed as long as you use condoms.
She: What you are whoring me out?
He 1: Yeah, your problem?
She: You are whoring me out. What other problem could i have with it?
He 2: She's not really my thing.
He 1: What? She's stunning.
He 2: Well possibly but i prefer the company of men
She: Ok, our new offer, you can take my boyfriend to bed instead of me. You don't even need condoms.
He 1: Dear, aren't you worried about getting an sti next time we sleep together
She: Not really as after today, we'll be broken up.
He 1: Well why?
She: For whoring me out, you idiot.
He 2: in fairness, i'd dump your ass if you did that to me
Remember, always be willing to take one for the team. She probably will never speak to you again if you offer her up instead of yourself. Be considerate.
Tip No. 3 is to give up your seat to her on a bus or train. Indeed, to make an even better impression, give up your seat to a person with a disability or an elderly person. This would impress her as this shows you like to help complete strangers. As always there are pitfalls.
Example 1:
He & She are on a bus.
He: Look, there's an elderly person having to stand up. I think i'll give up my seat for her.
She: That's very sweet of you. I'll reward you hansomely for doing so.
He: That's nice but a good deed is it's own reward.
He gets up and offers to seat to elderly person. At this time, the bus driver gets up and notices people are standing. At this he makes the following announcement
Bus Driver: I'm sorry people due to nregulations, you can't be standing on this bus as it goes on the motorway
He: What, i just got up to give my seat to the elderly woman
She: Honey just get off and wait for the next one.
Bus Driver: Yes, you are holding everyone up, mister. Please vacate the bus and wait for the next one.
He: And when is the next one?
Bus Driver: tomorrow at 8am
He [to elderly person]: Please, could i get my seat back
Elderly person: What? In this neighbourhood? I wouldn't be alive in an hour's time
Bus Driver: Please sir, if you don't leave the bus, I'll have to inform the Gardaí
She: Yeah, Honey, your parole officer won't like hearing that.
There is another pitfall, you could be offering the seat to someone that your girlfriend finds sitting beside unappealling. For this example, He & She are on a train
He: I'm going to give up my seat to that person over there
She: The guy with the highly infectious arm that is totally uncovered and foaming at the mouth with appears to have rabies?
He: Yes. Your problem
She: Well for one, his arm is highly infectious and another point is that he's foaming at the mouth
He: details, darling, details.
She: I know you are trying to be kind but please don't. I don't want to sit beside someone foaming at the mouth.
He: You are being selfish.
She: Yeah, that arm looks highly infectious, if you don't mind.
Tip No. 4 is to help her with her chair but only if she's happy with this happiness. If she isn't, don't. This is the pitfall the couple face now. In this example, they are at a nice restaurant
He: Do you need help with the chair
She: No, it's fine. I'm 29, not 92.
He: No, i insist.
He gets up and helps She with the chair. However She is very uncomfortable with this and is struggling against He's forceful nature in this regard.
She: Just leave it be. I don't need your hindrance.
He: I'm hindering you, I'm helping you.
At this time, he pushes in the chair with force. This causes the wine glasses on the table to spill and ruin the cloth
She: I said I could do it myself.
He: Well look at the mess you caused.
She: I caused it? You were the idiot that wouldn't take no for an answer.
He: There you admitted you caused it.
She: You are really not worth my time. Think I could have been curing world hunger or doing some gardening instead i wasted it going on this date with you.I'm going home
Tip No. 5 is to carry the umbrella. This might seem irrelevant but your job is to keep your loved one dry. If you can't keep her dry with an umbrella, what hope have you of keeping her dry with a roof if you two move in together. However you have to careful as not to take out too many innocent victims with the umbrella as possible. This is not death race, you do not score points for hurting people. You score points for keeping her dry. The umbrella could also be used as a weapon in order to help clear the path of slow walkers who annoyingly get in your way.
Using the umbrella as a weapon cancels out any brownie points you may get from being chivalrous by holding the umbrella.
Your girlfriend will more then likely, also get wet from the experience which is a further negative point
The final tip for chivalry is walk her home. When walking her home, it is your job that she arrives safely at her home. This also covers other points featured earlier. You should walk on the outside and if raining, you should hold the umbrella. But do not do make critical comments about the area if you've never been there before. Small talk can be tough. You have to be careful not to say the wrong thing. Please see the following example
He: God, this is a really bad neighbourhood. And what's up with the smell.
She: Well i don't neccessarly agree.
He: Why would anyone choose to live here
She: Nice people, good neighbours
He: Yeah, i'd rather not live somewhere which makes Louth seem hospitable.
She: Well actually, my home is
He: And don't get me started on the unruly looking people around. Look at that guy across the street
She: Oh, yes that's my brother
He: What?
She: Yeah, he's like loveable teddy bear
he: teddy bears tend to have some hair or fur. He's completely shaved head
She: Well that's not very nice, he's just had chemoteraphy so he can't particularly help it
He: Opps, well how far do you live from here
She: The next house.
He: Will i see you again
She: Not a chance. Well bye
She slams the door.
So people, you have learnt a bit about human nature and how to be chivalrous. Not only that you have also learnt what not to do. What more could you ask for?
--------------------
The influence here was an article in the irish times health supplement about chivalry. Please see - http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/health/2009/0407/1224244125961.html
I hope you all like it
