Dude
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DUBLIN, IRE -- Minister for the Arts John O'Donoghue announced the First Annual Conference on Irish Band Over Population at a Dublin Castle press briefing Wednesday. Aims of the conference are to discuss strategies to stop the crisis of national proportions.
In a brief announcement Minister O'Donoghue stated "According to recent studies, by the year 2010 there will be more people in bands than the Irish economy can ever hope to support. The Erin Census Bureau puts the current number of audience members to band members at a ratio of 2:1. But present trends threaten to reverse this relationship, disrupting the delicate balance between performers and normal people."
O'Donoghue further noted "Soon, not only will virtually everyone be in a band, but everyone in a band will be involved in several side projects creating a glut of virtually indistinguishable groups of guitar wielding miscreants who, when not performing their so-called music, will be endlessly talking about it to anyone unable to flee."
Slated to be addressed in a round table discussion by a panel of distinguished academics:
Suggestions to combat the global crisis of IBOP:
In a brief announcement Minister O'Donoghue stated "According to recent studies, by the year 2010 there will be more people in bands than the Irish economy can ever hope to support. The Erin Census Bureau puts the current number of audience members to band members at a ratio of 2:1. But present trends threaten to reverse this relationship, disrupting the delicate balance between performers and normal people."
O'Donoghue further noted "Soon, not only will virtually everyone be in a band, but everyone in a band will be involved in several side projects creating a glut of virtually indistinguishable groups of guitar wielding miscreants who, when not performing their so-called music, will be endlessly talking about it to anyone unable to flee."
Slated to be addressed in a round table discussion by a panel of distinguished academics:
- The eminent problems of IBOP
- Legal strategies for achieving zero band population growth
- Private sector initiatives for ending the epidemic of band growth within the family
- Proposed legislation aimed at ending compulsive multiple band membership
Suggestions to combat the global crisis of IBOP:
- A national moratorium on all new band formations
- A "three strikes and you're out" zero-tolerances policy for repeat offenders
- Creation of stiff criminal penalties for artist who release more than three full length albums per career
- A waiting period on all instrument purchases to allow for mandatory background checks for prior infractions and a cooling off period to discourage thoughtless, reckless and impulsive band formations
- Stiff fines for bands that imitate other bands
- Civil infractions for air bands
- An all-out ban on cover bands
- A boycott of all labels who refuse to stop signing additional bands
- A strong-arm cracking down on pointless indie labels
- Support of initiative requiring random band testing by employers especially in high-risk businesses such as coffee shops, graphic design firms, bars and record stores
