My New Restaurant Is Going To Make Me Very Rich Indeed (1 Viewer)

[jane]

My friend and I came up with a new idea for a restaurant. It's called either Babybirds or Babyblurds. Read below and see if you want to join our street team. Note especially that we will become very rich off this idea.

Tired of 'nouvelle cuisine'? Tired of the tedious lifting of fork to the mouth? Love Nature? Especially wanting to be birds? At Babybirds/Babyblurds, you will enjoy treetop-inspired ambience where our monkey butlers, wearing the latest in monkey tuxedos, will gently coax you into one of our sixteen specially-commissioned nests, made by a lot of famous artists (except for Tracy Emin because she's a big whinger). Divest yourself of the pressures of making decisions as our chef prepares a special tasting menu, designed especially for each diner's nutritional requirements, and sit back and relax as the monkey in the tuxedo, like a loving mother bird, carefully chews and swallows your food, brings it up again and spits it directly into your mouth.

Investors and celebrity endorsements also welcome. This plan is utterly foolproof, and absolutely nothing at all can go wrong. Your money and families are safe with us.

 

[Mormon Nailer]

Poor Tracy, remember the time she was polluted on stormed off the the TV leaving Will Self (or was it Martin Amis) sitting there slackjawed.

And she did do the wild thing with Billy Childish, that must be worth a few rep points for Tracy.

 

[jane]

Actually, a TV game show called "Will Self or Martin Amis" would be brilliant.

No, no it wouldn't. But it would be Will Self and Martin Amis locked in an airless container, and contestants all standing around it, shouting at the same time and pointing to which one they think is which. We'd never find out for definite. I can't tell them apart, but I think I could still sleep at night and stuff. Anyway, at the end of it, there'd be a pantomime Twink with a big bare arse.

 

[BC]

the one trying his hardest to do a good william burroughs impersonation is self.

 

[jane]

the one trying his hardest to do a good william burroughs impersonation is self.

"Self", it's a good name for him, isn't it? I can't stand him. Also, on top of the airless container (which is glass), is Bret Easton Ellis, drinking brandy in a bathrobe, squashing his taint against the roof.

I like this game show. I'm going to develop it some more.

I also want to do one called Someone's In The Kitchen With Brunker.

 

[Mormon Nailer]

What about a game show called The Tent where contestants have to put names on their own Tracy Emin style Tent.

The winner is the one who doesnt balk at this:

 

[jane]

What about a game show called The Tent where contestants have to put names on their own Tracy Emin style Tent.

The winner is the one who doesnt balk at this:

Well, Mormon, I see we've finally found something we can agree on. This deserves its own thread (I want to use this one to promote my restaurant) on the Arts and Culture or main Lifestyle board, which I'm going to go start now instead of starting work. See you there!

 

[Corey]

I want to open a restaurant with a Castle Grayskull facade. Instead of a drawbridge, there'd be a massive vagina, so as to promote the idea of a kind of 'culinary rebirth' on passing through the huge double-doored meatflaps; being ushered in by a separate que of drunken homeless who shout and wave their fists at you the second you get out of your car. On entering the vast eating emporium you'd notice how the ceiling and furniture are extremely high, and that this area is staffed by midgets. The further down the hall you go, the narrower/lower/smaller everything becomes; until you reach the final tables, which are teeny-tiny, with a ceiling of 5 feet that is staffed by giants and giganticism sufferers.

The menu would be simple yet effective. Raw flesh burgers; freshly made in house, comprising of churned up homeless-man-meat that is sourced from the heaving throng of poverty at the front door, and processed by ways of two massive grinding machines clevery hidden behind an unused toilet cubicle with no UV lamp that acts as a decoy/ luring device.

I'd call it 'Castle Grayskull'.

It would be fine.

 

[jane]

Hi Corey, can I pre-book your restaurant for my next sausage party?

 

[Corey]

Hi Corey, can I pre-book your restaurant for my next sausage party?

I say!

 

[Pantone247]

Guantanamo Bay

Traditional Cuban cusines served in a fenced off maximum security dining area, patrons are encouraged to dress informal in mainly orange jumpsuits before being chained together. The Ambieance is added to by blasts of crippiling loud hard rock music while heavily armed waited distribute random beatings in return for signed confessions.

4 stars

 

[jane]

I reckon we buy up some section of the Docklands (we can get a grant, I'm sure), and develop this as a sort of 'campus' of restaurants, along the lines of that Little Italy development near Jervis St.

I'm off to start spending our millions on a solid gold haircut.

 

[jane]

I say!

Oooh, pardon!

I have one question, though, Corey, about a possible design glitch in your restaurant's facade. Could you clarify, please, how exactly a drawbridge is like a massive vagina, and/or vice versa?

 

[Pantone247]

I reckon we buy up some section of the Docklands (we can get a grant, I'm sure), and develop this as a sort of 'campus' of restaurants, along the lines of that Little Italy development near Jervis St.

we could set up a fairground train type ride that would take you from eatery too eatery via dips and dives and loop de loops. It would be called the Gastro-coaster.

 

[Pantone247]

Womb

Patrons are met at the door and guided to their eating area which consists of 2 to 6 six pink rubbery looking sacs. Once you climb inside your designated 'pod', and the waiter secures you with the complementary 'mucus plug'. You are then fed valuable life giving protiens down a tube, or umbilical cord, by the matre dé, routinely broken up with dashes of the excelent chillian house red. After roughly nine months you are dragged out by the head kicking and screaming but gastronomically re-born. Again.

3 1/2 stars

 

[billygannon]

I'd like to open a men-only coffee shop called Honest Mike Newell's.

 

[Lefty Frizzell]

we could set up a fairground train type ride that would take you from eatery too eatery via dips and dives and loop de loops. It would be called the Gastro-coaster.

Fidel Gastro - Cuban nosh for the masses.

 

[Corey]

Oooh, pardon!

I have one question, though, Corey, about a possible design glitch in your restaurant's facade. Could you clarify, please, how exactly a drawbridge is like a massive vagina, and/or vice versa?

I shall do no such thing. A draw-bridge is nothing like a big vagina, that's why i'd have a big vagina instead of a draw-bridge.

With a fully-functioning portcullis nicknamed Chastity, or 'Chazzers' for short.

 

[Wheels]

I shall do no such thing. A draw-bridge is nothing like a big vagina, that's why i'd have a big vagina instead of a draw-bridge.

With a fully-functioning portcullis nicknamed Chastity, or 'Chazzers' for short.

If you manage to get it open before the moustache month is out, you can host that gay night club you've always been going on about, y'know - Castle Gayskull? Imagine, we can all dress up as Man At Arms*!! It'll be fantabulous!

*Or maybe Orko or Cringer, if you're into that sort of thing...

'Come here big fella! Don't run away again!!!'