Steven Wells in entertaining shocker here
With all the current hoo-hah about how all gun crime in the UK is obviously caused by listening to gangsta chaps rapping about ho's and that, I think it ill behoves us in the sports massive to get all snooty and superior. Because we got our problems too, baby. Just look at the England cricket team.
Now it's a well known fact that - unlike their footballing brethren - English cricketers have got dead "cool" taste in music. And so it's a pretty safe bet that our boys down-under spend much of their leisure time listening to the spirit-withering. soul-eviscerating and sex-drive destroying emotional scab picking of the dead "cool" band Radiohead.
Now in an early interview, Radiohead's Thom Yorke moaned that us Brits don't like talking about mental illness and depression. Well there's a reason for that, Thom. It's because it's depressing. And it is also true that the Stig Parkinson - the band's Swedish drummer (who once had a trial for Crystal Palace but that's another story) - works as a volunteer for The Samaritans. Uh, hello! Conflict of interest, anybody?
So is it any wonder that our Men In White are getting their arses kicked, both buttocks, clean off - KLANG! KLANG!? Because what do you think the Aussies are listening to? Yes, that's right - life affirming, happy, smiley, sexy music like The Datsuns, AC/DC, Kylie Minogue and Rolf. Put it this way - they play Kylie in aerobics classes. They don't play the last Radiohead album. Why? Like - DUH!
British footballers, by way of contrast, are notorious the world over for having absolutely no musical taste what sofrickkingever - a fact brilliantly underlined by Andy Gray when he said: "People say footballers have terrible taste in music but I would dispute that. In the car at the moment I've got The Corrs, Cher, Phil Collins, Shania Twain and Rod Stewart."
But this is as things should be. Athletes don't want to be listening to clever, cool, intelligent music about how terrible life is and how we're all going to die so-oh-my god-what's-the-point-even-trying? No way! That's not going to get the endorphins buzzin' and the adrenaline a-pumpin' is it? No! They need the Eye Of The Tiger! They wanna be Simply The Best! And they rilly rilly rilly need to believe that We Are The Champions! Yeah!
And those that don't - those freaking weirdoes who prefer a bit of My Vitriol to a bit of Sophie Ellis Bextor - they ultimately paid the price. And I can prove it.
CASE STUDY ONE: Footballers With "Uncool" Taste In Music
Jesus - where do you start? With Gazza's excruciating Fog On The Tyne?. Or rappin' Andy Cole ("the UK's answer to Will Smith")? Or Hoddle and Waddle? Or Stranglers fan Stuart Pearce? Or the Tina Turner addicted Wimbledon Crazy Gang in their leg-breaking pomp? Or Michael Owen (who lists The Lightening Seeds and Lionel Ritchie as his faves - bless!). Or Julio Iglesias - who played in goal for Real Madrid in the 60s? And what about Vinnie Jones' frightening "Woolly Bully", Berti Vogts' execrable "Der Lyrische Berti" or Pele's hilarious "My World Is A Ball"?
What have all these players got in common? Yes, that's right. They've all got really, really, no, like, REALLY rubbish taste in music. And they are (or were) all absolutely brilliant footballers.
Like - COINCIDENCE!? Yeah, right!
CASE STUDY TWO: Footballers With "Cool" Taste In Music
Not a long list this. Pat Nevin is a huge Joy Division fan. And he is also best known for being a huge fan of Joy Division. Which means that, every time he starts to find himself "in the zone", he is suddenly bummed out big time by the mega-tragic image of singer Ian Curtis dangling from a rope in his cold, lonely Manchester flat. And if that don't piss on your chips then nothing will.
And there is actually a Brazilian player by the name of Djalminha who is, apparently, an ENORMOUS Morrissey fan. Now let's think about that for a moment. This is a man who comes from the land of sunshine and samba - but who finds inspiration in the work of a cardigan-wearing, miserabalist pseudo-intellectual veggie-saddo freak who peddles a utterly depressing line in rain-swept self pity, nostalgic bitterness and kneechewingly twee irony. That you can't even dance to. Unless you're a geek. Uh, hello?
And that's it. And it's true across all sports. The teams that run out to The March Of The Gladiators or the theme from Z Cars or Daphne & Celeste's classic Ooh Stick You (And Your Daddy) tend to do really well. While the teams that have a pre-match group hug while listening to Belle And Sebastian's magnificently defeatist "Life's Crap, Why Bother?" head straight for the relegation zone. It's common sense.
Every year the academies, training grounds and schools of excellence fill up with keen as mustard young wannabes. Some of them listen to The Cheeky Girls or Liberty X or MC Hammer's Greatest Hits and go on to become top-flight internationals with top-notch telly-totty girlfriends and tons of money to spunk on cars and stuff.
While others bring along their Smashing Pumpkins, Badly Drawn Boy and Turin Brakes CD's - and end up either hanging themselves in their rooms or lying in some rat-crap spattered gutter strung out on Special Brew, hair-lacquer and smack.
So the next time you find yourself smirking as some overpaid sporting oaf reveals the contents of his truly appalling record collection - just pause for a second. Because "cool" (as I think we have conclusively proven) is the deadly enemy of sporting excellence.
Whilst "uncool", on the other hand, is the ambrosia that drips from the full, firm and fecund udders of Nike, Goddess Of Victory.
So think on, snob-boy - and weep.
With all the current hoo-hah about how all gun crime in the UK is obviously caused by listening to gangsta chaps rapping about ho's and that, I think it ill behoves us in the sports massive to get all snooty and superior. Because we got our problems too, baby. Just look at the England cricket team.
Now it's a well known fact that - unlike their footballing brethren - English cricketers have got dead "cool" taste in music. And so it's a pretty safe bet that our boys down-under spend much of their leisure time listening to the spirit-withering. soul-eviscerating and sex-drive destroying emotional scab picking of the dead "cool" band Radiohead.
Now in an early interview, Radiohead's Thom Yorke moaned that us Brits don't like talking about mental illness and depression. Well there's a reason for that, Thom. It's because it's depressing. And it is also true that the Stig Parkinson - the band's Swedish drummer (who once had a trial for Crystal Palace but that's another story) - works as a volunteer for The Samaritans. Uh, hello! Conflict of interest, anybody?
So is it any wonder that our Men In White are getting their arses kicked, both buttocks, clean off - KLANG! KLANG!? Because what do you think the Aussies are listening to? Yes, that's right - life affirming, happy, smiley, sexy music like The Datsuns, AC/DC, Kylie Minogue and Rolf. Put it this way - they play Kylie in aerobics classes. They don't play the last Radiohead album. Why? Like - DUH!
British footballers, by way of contrast, are notorious the world over for having absolutely no musical taste what sofrickkingever - a fact brilliantly underlined by Andy Gray when he said: "People say footballers have terrible taste in music but I would dispute that. In the car at the moment I've got The Corrs, Cher, Phil Collins, Shania Twain and Rod Stewart."
But this is as things should be. Athletes don't want to be listening to clever, cool, intelligent music about how terrible life is and how we're all going to die so-oh-my god-what's-the-point-even-trying? No way! That's not going to get the endorphins buzzin' and the adrenaline a-pumpin' is it? No! They need the Eye Of The Tiger! They wanna be Simply The Best! And they rilly rilly rilly need to believe that We Are The Champions! Yeah!
And those that don't - those freaking weirdoes who prefer a bit of My Vitriol to a bit of Sophie Ellis Bextor - they ultimately paid the price. And I can prove it.
CASE STUDY ONE: Footballers With "Uncool" Taste In Music
Jesus - where do you start? With Gazza's excruciating Fog On The Tyne?. Or rappin' Andy Cole ("the UK's answer to Will Smith")? Or Hoddle and Waddle? Or Stranglers fan Stuart Pearce? Or the Tina Turner addicted Wimbledon Crazy Gang in their leg-breaking pomp? Or Michael Owen (who lists The Lightening Seeds and Lionel Ritchie as his faves - bless!). Or Julio Iglesias - who played in goal for Real Madrid in the 60s? And what about Vinnie Jones' frightening "Woolly Bully", Berti Vogts' execrable "Der Lyrische Berti" or Pele's hilarious "My World Is A Ball"?
What have all these players got in common? Yes, that's right. They've all got really, really, no, like, REALLY rubbish taste in music. And they are (or were) all absolutely brilliant footballers.
Like - COINCIDENCE!? Yeah, right!
CASE STUDY TWO: Footballers With "Cool" Taste In Music
Not a long list this. Pat Nevin is a huge Joy Division fan. And he is also best known for being a huge fan of Joy Division. Which means that, every time he starts to find himself "in the zone", he is suddenly bummed out big time by the mega-tragic image of singer Ian Curtis dangling from a rope in his cold, lonely Manchester flat. And if that don't piss on your chips then nothing will.
And there is actually a Brazilian player by the name of Djalminha who is, apparently, an ENORMOUS Morrissey fan. Now let's think about that for a moment. This is a man who comes from the land of sunshine and samba - but who finds inspiration in the work of a cardigan-wearing, miserabalist pseudo-intellectual veggie-saddo freak who peddles a utterly depressing line in rain-swept self pity, nostalgic bitterness and kneechewingly twee irony. That you can't even dance to. Unless you're a geek. Uh, hello?
And that's it. And it's true across all sports. The teams that run out to The March Of The Gladiators or the theme from Z Cars or Daphne & Celeste's classic Ooh Stick You (And Your Daddy) tend to do really well. While the teams that have a pre-match group hug while listening to Belle And Sebastian's magnificently defeatist "Life's Crap, Why Bother?" head straight for the relegation zone. It's common sense.
Every year the academies, training grounds and schools of excellence fill up with keen as mustard young wannabes. Some of them listen to The Cheeky Girls or Liberty X or MC Hammer's Greatest Hits and go on to become top-flight internationals with top-notch telly-totty girlfriends and tons of money to spunk on cars and stuff.
While others bring along their Smashing Pumpkins, Badly Drawn Boy and Turin Brakes CD's - and end up either hanging themselves in their rooms or lying in some rat-crap spattered gutter strung out on Special Brew, hair-lacquer and smack.
So the next time you find yourself smirking as some overpaid sporting oaf reveals the contents of his truly appalling record collection - just pause for a second. Because "cool" (as I think we have conclusively proven) is the deadly enemy of sporting excellence.
Whilst "uncool", on the other hand, is the ambrosia that drips from the full, firm and fecund udders of Nike, Goddess Of Victory.
So think on, snob-boy - and weep.
who'd have known that, no wonder i'm crap at sport
