bohs punks
Well-Known Member
goign to miss th ematch cause my folks are coming , cheek of them and all, anyway hers soem typical shite form th enet that soemone sent me and raised a smile, might cure soem of those pre wedding nerves soem of ye will eb getting with a smile perhaps?
From The Guardian: "After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now
asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name."
Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system
of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat bastard'
From the Churchdown Parish magazine: "Would the Congregation please
note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled "For The Sick", is for
monetary donations only.'
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in
Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake
from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as
evidence in a poisoning case.'
From The Times: 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these days."'
From The Scottish Big Issue: 'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked
each other during a "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. "It was a lie", explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."
From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": "... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."
From The Derby Abbey Community News: We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
From The Manchester Evening news: "Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he
produced a valid rail ticket."
An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people
watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realised what had happened.
An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed
round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken to hospital for treatment.
Following drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki
passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows
as a joke. Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and
glue it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.
After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth in August 1990, 51 year old
Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off, he put 12 nails through his trousers and in the process, drove several of them through his leg. Fortunately he was discovered by police.
An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely when the patient exploded. The asualty, an 82-year-old woman, was undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks.
THE BEST HEADLINES OF 2000
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
23. War Dims Hope For Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
From The Guardian: "After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now
asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name."
Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system
of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat bastard'
From the Churchdown Parish magazine: "Would the Congregation please
note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled "For The Sick", is for
monetary donations only.'
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in
Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake
from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as
evidence in a poisoning case.'
From The Times: 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these days."'
From The Scottish Big Issue: 'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked
each other during a "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. "It was a lie", explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."
From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": "... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."
From The Derby Abbey Community News: We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
From The Manchester Evening news: "Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he
produced a valid rail ticket."
An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people
watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realised what had happened.
An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed
round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken to hospital for treatment.
Following drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki
passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows
as a joke. Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and
glue it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.
After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth in August 1990, 51 year old
Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off, he put 12 nails through his trousers and in the process, drove several of them through his leg. Fortunately he was discovered by police.
An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely when the patient exploded. The asualty, an 82-year-old woman, was undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks.
THE BEST HEADLINES OF 2000
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
23. War Dims Hope For Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
