PERCH yourself beside me, little one. Don't worry, I won't CARP on PIKE the last time - ISLE HAKE only a MINNOW. I've HADDOCK up to here with all this SOLE music you know. It's really affecting my HERRING. SKATE over here and WHALE put SALMON. This one from SEAL is a nice TUNA, HALIBUT a bit HOKI and doesn't SCALE the heights of his ...
***Continues on in this manner for several million years***
...and now I must FINish my TAIL. You can MULLET over in your own BRINE.
BARN OWL.
SNOW LEOPARD.
Captain Birdseye Fish Fingers - 3/10
Summary: "But Captain, fish don't have..." "Aarr! Look in me net Jim lad if ya don't believe me!" "But Captain, there's no...OH WAIT! YAAAAGH!!!" *BOIIING* *SPLOOOOP* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUUUU-UU-U-UCK* *SQUIRRRRRRT*
Strange with all the available varieties of underwater meat (see my pop-up recipe wordsearch soduko crossword on page 27 for some more mealtime ideas), that the long-serving humble fish finger - made ironically from fishes huge heaving breasts - still wins out over the likes of caviar and sea cucumber's attack-goo as the dish do jour of chavs and their mewling, coarse-mouthed, grubby larvae. Captain Birdseye (the only man whose fingers were allowed inside you as a child) continues to peddle his golden rods of death to this day in packs of 10 or 20 - mainly to bored youngsters, oblivious to the dangers of smoking fish.
Donegal Catch Cod Fillets with a Lemon and Herb Crumb - (potentially) 10/10
Summary: Very, very cold. Frozen, if you will.
These are in my freezer right now! They look nice judging by the big shiny jangly bag and appetizingly unrealistic visual simulations of breaded fish. And I mean, regular Donegal Catch Cod Fillets are great so...I'm gonna go out on a tentacle here and say that these guys are this week's No.1, in just ahead of Scatman John, Rednex, and Haddaway.
M&S Seafood Cocktail Sandwich - 4/10
Summary: Something very fishy about this
Bit of a fish joke there, sorry. Yeah the unusual thing about this healthy lunchtime on-the-move busy lifestyle 2-go option, is that it contains the mysterious ingredient "crab-flavoured pieces". What are the "pieces" and from whither does the crab flavour spring? My guess is that... [portion of blatantly shock-seeking offensive text removed] ...flaps, and then the... [rascist quote from infamous, much-maligned Enid Blyton story removed] ...and looks a bit like [gratuitous hi-res professional press shot of Ryan Tubridy removed].
Bombay Pantry Prawn Butter Masala - Dude/10
Summary: Beadle's alive and well, causing all kinds of curry mayhem in South Dublin
"So I got this delivered by accident one day from my homiez the BP kru and you know what bro? I think it was totally the first time I'd ever - and dude I mean e-v-e-r eaten a prawn. In my head I was all "OK here comes the chicken" and then it was like "Dude, gross! This chicken is full of bones and all kinds of fucked up gristle an' shit!" Then at the same time I kinda noticed this funky aroma in the sauce. Then it fuckin' hit me in the balls like a freight train - "This ain't no chicken bro!" and I fuckin' spewed up all everywhere, including over the drunk-ass groupie asleep on the toilet who I didn't see cos I had my eyeballs tattooed earlier that evening. I was trippin' balls at the time too so it was like a total headfuck but y'know this kinda shit happens on the road all the time hurr-hurr!"
- as told to Marian Finucane in a recent phone-in interview with Tommy Lee
John West Mackerel Fillets - Yog-Sothoth/10
Summary: Plague of locusts, AIDS, Neo-Conservative Foreign Policy, John West Mackerel Fillets
Unassuming little tins of putrid slivers, no doubt peeled from the rotting corpses of bloated, oil-slick sodden, human waste eating, mutant excuses for submerged half-lifeforms. H.P. Lovecraft was a great man for the aul stories, but words often failed him when he tried to convey the full horror of the mindless, multi-tentacled entities he was so fond of writing about - often to the extent where, when one of his stories' subjects came face to face with Cthulhu or somesuch, the tale would end right there.
My theory is that, when nearing a story's climax in his rented lodgings he was interrupted by a tap on his study door, only to be confronted by his squinting landlady, shakily offering forward a plate of squirming, pulsating John West Mackerel Fillets, the foul stench and visual chaos of which the cause of an aneurysm in the young writer's fevered mind. This made any further talk of ficticious, undead, sea-dwelling gods mere folly and against all reasoned medical advice.
"Oh R'lyeh?"
Yes. Deal with it.
See also: what actually appears to be swanky photographs of the above products
***Continues on in this manner for several million years***
...and now I must FINish my TAIL. You can MULLET over in your own BRINE.
BARN OWL.
SNOW LEOPARD.
Captain Birdseye Fish Fingers - 3/10
Summary: "But Captain, fish don't have..." "Aarr! Look in me net Jim lad if ya don't believe me!" "But Captain, there's no...OH WAIT! YAAAAGH!!!" *BOIIING* *SPLOOOOP* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUUUU-UU-U-UCK* *SQUIRRRRRRT*
Strange with all the available varieties of underwater meat (see my pop-up recipe wordsearch soduko crossword on page 27 for some more mealtime ideas), that the long-serving humble fish finger - made ironically from fishes huge heaving breasts - still wins out over the likes of caviar and sea cucumber's attack-goo as the dish do jour of chavs and their mewling, coarse-mouthed, grubby larvae. Captain Birdseye (the only man whose fingers were allowed inside you as a child) continues to peddle his golden rods of death to this day in packs of 10 or 20 - mainly to bored youngsters, oblivious to the dangers of smoking fish.
Donegal Catch Cod Fillets with a Lemon and Herb Crumb - (potentially) 10/10
Summary: Very, very cold. Frozen, if you will.
These are in my freezer right now! They look nice judging by the big shiny jangly bag and appetizingly unrealistic visual simulations of breaded fish. And I mean, regular Donegal Catch Cod Fillets are great so...I'm gonna go out on a tentacle here and say that these guys are this week's No.1, in just ahead of Scatman John, Rednex, and Haddaway.
M&S Seafood Cocktail Sandwich - 4/10
Summary: Something very fishy about this
Bit of a fish joke there, sorry. Yeah the unusual thing about this healthy lunchtime on-the-move busy lifestyle 2-go option, is that it contains the mysterious ingredient "crab-flavoured pieces". What are the "pieces" and from whither does the crab flavour spring? My guess is that... [portion of blatantly shock-seeking offensive text removed] ...flaps, and then the... [rascist quote from infamous, much-maligned Enid Blyton story removed] ...and looks a bit like [gratuitous hi-res professional press shot of Ryan Tubridy removed].
Bombay Pantry Prawn Butter Masala - Dude/10
Summary: Beadle's alive and well, causing all kinds of curry mayhem in South Dublin
"So I got this delivered by accident one day from my homiez the BP kru and you know what bro? I think it was totally the first time I'd ever - and dude I mean e-v-e-r eaten a prawn. In my head I was all "OK here comes the chicken" and then it was like "Dude, gross! This chicken is full of bones and all kinds of fucked up gristle an' shit!" Then at the same time I kinda noticed this funky aroma in the sauce. Then it fuckin' hit me in the balls like a freight train - "This ain't no chicken bro!" and I fuckin' spewed up all everywhere, including over the drunk-ass groupie asleep on the toilet who I didn't see cos I had my eyeballs tattooed earlier that evening. I was trippin' balls at the time too so it was like a total headfuck but y'know this kinda shit happens on the road all the time hurr-hurr!"
- as told to Marian Finucane in a recent phone-in interview with Tommy Lee
John West Mackerel Fillets - Yog-Sothoth/10
Summary: Plague of locusts, AIDS, Neo-Conservative Foreign Policy, John West Mackerel Fillets
Unassuming little tins of putrid slivers, no doubt peeled from the rotting corpses of bloated, oil-slick sodden, human waste eating, mutant excuses for submerged half-lifeforms. H.P. Lovecraft was a great man for the aul stories, but words often failed him when he tried to convey the full horror of the mindless, multi-tentacled entities he was so fond of writing about - often to the extent where, when one of his stories' subjects came face to face with Cthulhu or somesuch, the tale would end right there.
My theory is that, when nearing a story's climax in his rented lodgings he was interrupted by a tap on his study door, only to be confronted by his squinting landlady, shakily offering forward a plate of squirming, pulsating John West Mackerel Fillets, the foul stench and visual chaos of which the cause of an aneurysm in the young writer's fevered mind. This made any further talk of ficticious, undead, sea-dwelling gods mere folly and against all reasoned medical advice.
"Oh R'lyeh?"
Yes. Deal with it.
See also: what actually appears to be swanky photographs of the above products
