Drugs get a lot of bad press - and even more convincing positive press - but whom is I to believe? Whom is? I wanted to handle the truth, so I gamely went undercover on behalf of you, the reader who didn't ask for this, in search of the dizzying highs and the hoodie-stuffed-with-Yazoo, tracksuit-filled-with-days-old-bum-jetsam lows of the insalubrious narcotic netherworld that exists right under (and in some cases, right up) your nose.
Lockets Honey & Lemon - 7/10
Summary: Sinus-frying, throat-massaging oozemongery
Known on the street as "Sweet'N'Sours", Lockets have been popular for many years now with a particularly unfortunate breed of clubber known as a "lockoid". Effects of the high include running nose, sneezing, and almost non-stop moaning about having a "cold". The dishevelled, snivelling user is often heard repeating the same phrases over and again - usually while mopping up of the remains of a disgustingly explosive, mucus-jettisoning sneeze. Examples of such gibberish from the dribbling mouth of a lockoid include: "Oh dear, excuse me (wipe wipe), I can't seem to shift this cold!", "Bless me (snuffles, laughs), this blasted cold won't go away!", "Think I might take the rest of the day off - (chortling) no sense in us all having this terrible cold!", "AhhHH-TISHOO-OOO!!! FU-HUCK - nearly lost an eye there! Did you SEE that!?". Y'know, shite like that.
Seven Seas Cod Liver Oil Capsules - 1/10
Summary: Hades in chewable form
Blissed-out lockoids in search of a more intense buzz will often turn to SSCLOCs, tipping themselves right over the edge into a frighteningly fishy frenzy from which escape is highly improbable (unless the user has copious amounts of sugary treats such as Wham bars, Dip-Dabs, and Kola Kubes immediately to hand). The effects are swift and brutal. With just one bite, the user's face contorts into such that can be likened only to a Terrahawk chewing a wasp (covered in nettles), simultaneously licking piss off a bulldog's tongue (also covered in nettles - and wasps), whilst being sprayed in the eyes with battery acid (and piss-covered nettles) by a scorpion who has just eaten a bees nest covered in wasps. Not a major aphrodisiac, then.
Calpol Infant Suspension - 9/10
Summary: The dark side of the spoon
(Black)marketed sickeningly as a drug for toddlers, with its tantalising - but FALSE - promise of weightlessness for the under-fives, ultimately the only thing that will be suspended is your child from playschool, if they're caught experimenting with this rubbish. To futher entice our wide-eyed diminutive loved ones (as if thinking they can fly wasn't enough), it has that elusive and thrillingly exotic purple grape flavour, present in many illegally-imported candies from the US. The allure of this forbidden flavouring is irresistible to parents alike, who will often neck a bottle for cheap kicks in the absence of any perfectly legal Tesco Value Gin.
Lemsip MAX Strength - 6/10
Summary: Sorts out the men from the boys from the Boyz-II-Men
Off-puttingly ingested through one's nasal passage, I didn't expect there to be much of a demand for LMS but to my disbelief, I scored a few 'sachets' of this quite easily in my local Spar. Sure, it was behind the counter but I suspect any child (or even grandchild) that casually requested a fix of Lemsip in among their familiar order of thrupenny bags, sugared mice, and cinnamon apes would get just what they asked for, as standards of responsible shopkeeping are continuing to plummit. The line of street urchins I spotted just around the corner confirmed my fears. A drowsy-eyed, staggering mess of Nike and Fila, they each slumped in turn onto the kerb clutching stained five-euro notes, their bloody nostrils oozing a revolting stream of lemon-flavoured flourescent sputum. This is Beelzebub's own sherbet.
Canesten Thrush Cream - 10/10
Summary: Get high while going down
I accidentally sampled this one myself after an intense one-on-one crochet class with a local divorcee (not a druggy euphemism, by the way) ended with some unforseen hormonal activity. You know how it is when you first successfully complete an Afghan double roll-stitch under expert tutelage - one thing lead to an udder - and soon after that I headed south, receiving an unexpected mouthful of a Class-A ointment (complimented with a liberal dose of greying gusset-whiskers). In an instant I had seemingly left the community centre far below me and was shooting off on my lunar jet-bike for a dayglo trip up the unreality superhighway towards the cosmic temple of infinite hyper-consciousness. This incalculably reveletory (but all-too-brief) high was followed swiftly by a surging plume of projectile vomit (my own) and a heart-rendingly savage and immediate 'comedown'. Despite my prejudice I enjoyed every second of it, and once sampled, look forward to taking back all the negative things I have said about the other chemicals featured earlier in this article.
Lockets Honey & Lemon - 7/10
Summary: Sinus-frying, throat-massaging oozemongery
Known on the street as "Sweet'N'Sours", Lockets have been popular for many years now with a particularly unfortunate breed of clubber known as a "lockoid". Effects of the high include running nose, sneezing, and almost non-stop moaning about having a "cold". The dishevelled, snivelling user is often heard repeating the same phrases over and again - usually while mopping up of the remains of a disgustingly explosive, mucus-jettisoning sneeze. Examples of such gibberish from the dribbling mouth of a lockoid include: "Oh dear, excuse me (wipe wipe), I can't seem to shift this cold!", "Bless me (snuffles, laughs), this blasted cold won't go away!", "Think I might take the rest of the day off - (chortling) no sense in us all having this terrible cold!", "AhhHH-TISHOO-OOO!!! FU-HUCK - nearly lost an eye there! Did you SEE that!?". Y'know, shite like that.
Seven Seas Cod Liver Oil Capsules - 1/10
Summary: Hades in chewable form
Blissed-out lockoids in search of a more intense buzz will often turn to SSCLOCs, tipping themselves right over the edge into a frighteningly fishy frenzy from which escape is highly improbable (unless the user has copious amounts of sugary treats such as Wham bars, Dip-Dabs, and Kola Kubes immediately to hand). The effects are swift and brutal. With just one bite, the user's face contorts into such that can be likened only to a Terrahawk chewing a wasp (covered in nettles), simultaneously licking piss off a bulldog's tongue (also covered in nettles - and wasps), whilst being sprayed in the eyes with battery acid (and piss-covered nettles) by a scorpion who has just eaten a bees nest covered in wasps. Not a major aphrodisiac, then.
Calpol Infant Suspension - 9/10
Summary: The dark side of the spoon
(Black)marketed sickeningly as a drug for toddlers, with its tantalising - but FALSE - promise of weightlessness for the under-fives, ultimately the only thing that will be suspended is your child from playschool, if they're caught experimenting with this rubbish. To futher entice our wide-eyed diminutive loved ones (as if thinking they can fly wasn't enough), it has that elusive and thrillingly exotic purple grape flavour, present in many illegally-imported candies from the US. The allure of this forbidden flavouring is irresistible to parents alike, who will often neck a bottle for cheap kicks in the absence of any perfectly legal Tesco Value Gin.
Lemsip MAX Strength - 6/10
Summary: Sorts out the men from the boys from the Boyz-II-Men
Off-puttingly ingested through one's nasal passage, I didn't expect there to be much of a demand for LMS but to my disbelief, I scored a few 'sachets' of this quite easily in my local Spar. Sure, it was behind the counter but I suspect any child (or even grandchild) that casually requested a fix of Lemsip in among their familiar order of thrupenny bags, sugared mice, and cinnamon apes would get just what they asked for, as standards of responsible shopkeeping are continuing to plummit. The line of street urchins I spotted just around the corner confirmed my fears. A drowsy-eyed, staggering mess of Nike and Fila, they each slumped in turn onto the kerb clutching stained five-euro notes, their bloody nostrils oozing a revolting stream of lemon-flavoured flourescent sputum. This is Beelzebub's own sherbet.
Canesten Thrush Cream - 10/10
Summary: Get high while going down
I accidentally sampled this one myself after an intense one-on-one crochet class with a local divorcee (not a druggy euphemism, by the way) ended with some unforseen hormonal activity. You know how it is when you first successfully complete an Afghan double roll-stitch under expert tutelage - one thing lead to an udder - and soon after that I headed south, receiving an unexpected mouthful of a Class-A ointment (complimented with a liberal dose of greying gusset-whiskers). In an instant I had seemingly left the community centre far below me and was shooting off on my lunar jet-bike for a dayglo trip up the unreality superhighway towards the cosmic temple of infinite hyper-consciousness. This incalculably reveletory (but all-too-brief) high was followed swiftly by a surging plume of projectile vomit (my own) and a heart-rendingly savage and immediate 'comedown'. Despite my prejudice I enjoyed every second of it, and once sampled, look forward to taking back all the negative things I have said about the other chemicals featured earlier in this article.
