Off a pal's site here:
IRA announce massive redundancies
Outsourcing, globalisation and increased cost of knee-capping blamed by regional IRA commanders. 'A disaster for the community' says murky, balaclava-wearing figure.
(BELFAST) The IRA today announced several hundred lay-offs, effective from tomorrow morning 9 a.m. The shocking move comes at the end of a period of intense market speculation: speculation which has focused on the organisations' ability to compete in the new ‘Global terrorism market’.
The economy of the European Union has been in a period of transition: with the inclusion of the ten new member states, the axis of power has shifted. The associated economic impact has been felt globally and, at a local level, made it increasingly more and more difficult for the Army to makes ends meet.
'We simply can't compete' said an IRA spokesman, yesterday. 'The cost of doing business (pushes glasses up nose) is becoming prohibitive in Ireland now. The market has been flooded by cheap Eastern-European labour. These guys will do four times the work at one quarter of the going market rate'.
Knee-cappings, racketeering, maiming, intimidation and battering drug-dealers senseless have always been the portfolio of a home-grown workforce, but now former Eastern-block countries are offering an abundance of experienced, talented terrorists who will do the same job, for a fraction of the price.
"Add to this, the salient (and all too-often overlooked) fact that there are a small army of scum-bags south of the border willing to off your mother for the price of a Ryanair flight to Alicante, and you can begin to appreciate the situation. Market erosion had been a steady and ever-present factor on the business landscape since the mid 1980’s, but now we find ourselves under siege" said a large, tattooed man that we met in a Belfast car-park.
And it's not just the Republicans who have had to make cuts. High-labour costs and strictly enforced union rules have meant that the UDA have been forced to make radical changes to their employment structures. 'Basically, these Polack lads will come in, hack an arm off, kick a head in, shit on you and throw you in a bog for roughly one third of the cost that one of our lads will do it for. We can't compete against that. We just can’t,’ said another random man.
‘Throw in the fact that they have some serious muscle behind them and well, I dunno; let's just say that things don't look good for us right now…' he informed us with leaden solemnity.
Looking forward, it's hard to see how paramilitary organisations will cope. In the wake of this news, it has been suggested by several prominent economic observers and cross-border Government shit-tanks, that the only solution may be a drastic one: make all staff immediately redundant and re-register the organisations in an entirely different country, where management can take advantage of a more favourable tax regime and the cheaper cost of labour. Like Colombia.
IRA announce massive redundancies
(BELFAST) The IRA today announced several hundred lay-offs, effective from tomorrow morning 9 a.m. The shocking move comes at the end of a period of intense market speculation: speculation which has focused on the organisations' ability to compete in the new ‘Global terrorism market’.
The economy of the European Union has been in a period of transition: with the inclusion of the ten new member states, the axis of power has shifted. The associated economic impact has been felt globally and, at a local level, made it increasingly more and more difficult for the Army to makes ends meet.
'We simply can't compete' said an IRA spokesman, yesterday. 'The cost of doing business (pushes glasses up nose) is becoming prohibitive in Ireland now. The market has been flooded by cheap Eastern-European labour. These guys will do four times the work at one quarter of the going market rate'.
Knee-cappings, racketeering, maiming, intimidation and battering drug-dealers senseless have always been the portfolio of a home-grown workforce, but now former Eastern-block countries are offering an abundance of experienced, talented terrorists who will do the same job, for a fraction of the price.
"Add to this, the salient (and all too-often overlooked) fact that there are a small army of scum-bags south of the border willing to off your mother for the price of a Ryanair flight to Alicante, and you can begin to appreciate the situation. Market erosion had been a steady and ever-present factor on the business landscape since the mid 1980’s, but now we find ourselves under siege" said a large, tattooed man that we met in a Belfast car-park.
And it's not just the Republicans who have had to make cuts. High-labour costs and strictly enforced union rules have meant that the UDA have been forced to make radical changes to their employment structures. 'Basically, these Polack lads will come in, hack an arm off, kick a head in, shit on you and throw you in a bog for roughly one third of the cost that one of our lads will do it for. We can't compete against that. We just can’t,’ said another random man.
‘Throw in the fact that they have some serious muscle behind them and well, I dunno; let's just say that things don't look good for us right now…' he informed us with leaden solemnity.
Looking forward, it's hard to see how paramilitary organisations will cope. In the wake of this news, it has been suggested by several prominent economic observers and cross-border Government shit-tanks, that the only solution may be a drastic one: make all staff immediately redundant and re-register the organisations in an entirely different country, where management can take advantage of a more favourable tax regime and the cheaper cost of labour. Like Colombia.
