Selection of VIZ top tips
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
ajug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage
is almost instantly removed.
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is
now clear to all.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king
thing in the first place.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside
by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the
bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach,then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie
in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you
over the fence.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
to the object you wish to view.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right
arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply pissing in the sink.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't
know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by
the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain
and check that it has gone.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough
to insulate your loft.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red
lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a
strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
'erased'.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for
costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz
crackers.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a
JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker
the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen,
with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the
morning!
Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of
honey.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem
cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the
chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and
it is time to have the oven serviced.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
ajug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage
is almost instantly removed.
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is
now clear to all.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king
thing in the first place.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside
by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the
bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach,then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie
in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you
over the fence.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
to the object you wish to view.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right
arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply pissing in the sink.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't
know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by
the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain
and check that it has gone.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough
to insulate your loft.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red
lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a
strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
'erased'.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for
costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz
crackers.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a
JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker
the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen,
with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the
morning!
Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of
honey.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem
cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the
chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and
it is time to have the oven serviced.
