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The child told me he's making a collage in school and has entitled it 'Walmart Santa on Ketamine (switched from meth)'. Can't wait to see it.

In case anyone doubted me anyone doubted me

I know a kid called Ace. My child doesn't like him.

This thread is great to show your kids as the years pass. Thumped, it's like a diary

Strangely enough, I just hopped into this thread to post that my child has just ordered some personalised runners with ABSOLUTE CHAD UNIT written on them. Can't help you on the Snoot thing but I call the dog Snooty Boops sometimes, and also Nootles, and Nooty Baba.

I was telling him all about Pope John Paul's visit to the Phoenix Park and, little heathen that he is, he thought that the pope just said the word "mass" and couldn't fathom why people would want to go and see that. He also thought that when I said Jay-Z had done the dirt on Beyonce that he had...

Saw Tommy Tiernan on the telly. Him: He must be an alcoholic. Me: Why? Him: He's old and he's wearing a denim jacket.

Oh I have one of them too!

HMZ: "Dad, you're going to be the next Conor McGregor" HMD: "I don't think so son" HMZ: "Well you won't with that attitude"

"Mam forced me to piddle on a grave" And no, I did no such thing.

After watching an episode of iCarly featuring One Direction: "I really hope there's an iCarly with Black Sabbath in it"

"Balthazar is the manliest of names"

Discussing his travels in the car with his two friends earlier: "I've been to Germany, England and Egypt." I pointed out that he's never been to Egypt. "You were in Egypt, I was in your belly, so I was in Egypt too". I was there in 1999. The rest of the conversation comprised of comparing...

"Joy to the world, our Lord's not real" HMB's take on the classic Christmas carol.

I had a similar experience with HMB, and the more I told him to be quiet, the louder he got :/ We were at the checkout in Lidl the other week with my nephew, and he was loudly telling HMB that the company who make Fruit Shoots also make a delicious drink called Man Juice. He just kept going on...

"If a robber breaks into the house, sets it on fire and you fall off the roof should I ring the police, the fire brigade AND an ambulance?"

"When I grow up and have a kid, will you mind it so I can go to discos?"

Built a little model thing of the planets with him today (he recognised Earth straight away): "And this is the planet Mars, you've heard of that one haven't you?" "Yes. That's where you and Dad got married"

"You will get dead if you drink Diet Coke"

Brilliant!