If you are not a parent, the supermarket aisle containing mysterious miniature delicacies is a forbidden zone, much like in Beneath The Planet Of The Apes. And who are those bald, veiny-headed, psychic mutants you see here? Why, those are called 'babies' - and this is where they congregate, swapping recipes and germs. But they grow up so fast don't they?
As happens in every child's life, when I reached my twenties my dear mother persuaded me to change my eating habits. The acceptable time period for consuming baby foods (not to mention breast-feeding) had elapsed she argued, and it was high time I enter the adult world, which I now inhabit. So, ten years after this landmark I have decided to revisit the oft-pureed sustainance of my formative years in a bid to molest my inner child.
Concerned readers please note: there was a refreshingly mature pint of cod liver oil on standby at all times in case I regressed.
Liga C Concentrated Pure Baby Syrup - 7/10
Summary: Misleadingly, pure babies are absent from ingredient list
I can't say I wasn't let down while revisiting Liga C. The bottle seems to be the same as I remember when I was a little girl - and, with it's exotic promise of rosehip and guava pears, I expected to blub immediately at the merest sip while recalling all those happy, innocent times with mummy. The overall effect is a less saccharine Ribena, though with an admittedly pleasant, silky finish. I strongly feel Liga should endeavour to formulate a more distinctive product that is more in keeping with the label's colourful description. Cunts.
Organix Goodies Organic Carrot Stix - 8/10
Summary: Bastard lovechild of Chipsticks and a hippy
These guys blow it all with their proud "No Junk Promise" claim, displayed right on the front of the bag for any 8-month old to read. Consequently, as any freakish be-monocled child professor knows, there's blue murder if he's not getting his RDA of E-numbers and MSG - so if these pop up in the lunchbox at playgroup, he's going to blow his fucking top and will likely smother you later that evening while you sleep with a Domestos-soaked nappy AND YOU'LL ONLY HAVE YOURSELF TO BLAME, so sort your shit out and get in some Monster Munch instead you dithering slag!
Heinz Simply Fruit Organic Strawberry & Apple - 10/10
Summary: Wondrous dream-gloop, completely wasted on bed-wetters
Temporarily stymied by the near-impenetrable packaging, my persistance was rewarded with a culinary revelation. Is it a drink? Is it soup? Is it placenta? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a drink (unwittingly asked again amid all the confusion)? Is it me you're looking for? Hello? Forgive me, I have entered a blissful, dream-like state of euphoria.
Cow & Gate Organic Summer Fruit Compote - 5/10
Summary: Summery, Fruity, Capote
A more substantial offering than the above, containing as it does both rice and banana, though it still falls short of the majesty, dedication, and skill of Pele in his prime. When food gets smaller, the miniturisation process sends production costs spiralling - especially when infants are apparently demanding a higher class of blended mush. These days, the likes of Cow & Gate would have you believe that the youth of today will snootily turn up their snot-encrusted noses at anything less than the finest organic produce (as much of the products on offer here will attest) but let's face it, if you threw enough sugar onto a liquidised cat, the hungry little scamps would lap it up just the same.
Heinz Farley's Rusks - 9/10
Summary: Popular first "solids", mercifully designed not to crack off the only fucking tooth the child has in his stupid little head
In this crazy-ass(lan) world of paperclips, jumpers, and household appliances, it's reassuring to know that baby's vomit always looks (and tastes) like Farley's Rusks. Pile them in a bowl 6 at a time while pouring over some hot milk and watch them melt together in a mini-reinactment of Major Arnold Toht's death in Raiders Of The Lost Ark. To enhance this effect, you might like to try carving a realistic likeness of Toht into the uppermost rusk. You'll scarcely be able to stifle the giggles as junior screams, leaping awkwardly from the high chair and runs for the corner huddling into a terrified little ball of nappy-soiling shame and life-altering fear.
As happens in every child's life, when I reached my twenties my dear mother persuaded me to change my eating habits. The acceptable time period for consuming baby foods (not to mention breast-feeding) had elapsed she argued, and it was high time I enter the adult world, which I now inhabit. So, ten years after this landmark I have decided to revisit the oft-pureed sustainance of my formative years in a bid to molest my inner child.
Concerned readers please note: there was a refreshingly mature pint of cod liver oil on standby at all times in case I regressed.
Liga C Concentrated Pure Baby Syrup - 7/10
Summary: Misleadingly, pure babies are absent from ingredient list
I can't say I wasn't let down while revisiting Liga C. The bottle seems to be the same as I remember when I was a little girl - and, with it's exotic promise of rosehip and guava pears, I expected to blub immediately at the merest sip while recalling all those happy, innocent times with mummy. The overall effect is a less saccharine Ribena, though with an admittedly pleasant, silky finish. I strongly feel Liga should endeavour to formulate a more distinctive product that is more in keeping with the label's colourful description. Cunts.
Organix Goodies Organic Carrot Stix - 8/10
Summary: Bastard lovechild of Chipsticks and a hippy
These guys blow it all with their proud "No Junk Promise" claim, displayed right on the front of the bag for any 8-month old to read. Consequently, as any freakish be-monocled child professor knows, there's blue murder if he's not getting his RDA of E-numbers and MSG - so if these pop up in the lunchbox at playgroup, he's going to blow his fucking top and will likely smother you later that evening while you sleep with a Domestos-soaked nappy AND YOU'LL ONLY HAVE YOURSELF TO BLAME, so sort your shit out and get in some Monster Munch instead you dithering slag!
Heinz Simply Fruit Organic Strawberry & Apple - 10/10
Summary: Wondrous dream-gloop, completely wasted on bed-wetters
Temporarily stymied by the near-impenetrable packaging, my persistance was rewarded with a culinary revelation. Is it a drink? Is it soup? Is it placenta? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a drink (unwittingly asked again amid all the confusion)? Is it me you're looking for? Hello? Forgive me, I have entered a blissful, dream-like state of euphoria.
Cow & Gate Organic Summer Fruit Compote - 5/10
Summary: Summery, Fruity, Capote
A more substantial offering than the above, containing as it does both rice and banana, though it still falls short of the majesty, dedication, and skill of Pele in his prime. When food gets smaller, the miniturisation process sends production costs spiralling - especially when infants are apparently demanding a higher class of blended mush. These days, the likes of Cow & Gate would have you believe that the youth of today will snootily turn up their snot-encrusted noses at anything less than the finest organic produce (as much of the products on offer here will attest) but let's face it, if you threw enough sugar onto a liquidised cat, the hungry little scamps would lap it up just the same.
Heinz Farley's Rusks - 9/10
Summary: Popular first "solids", mercifully designed not to crack off the only fucking tooth the child has in his stupid little head
In this crazy-ass(lan) world of paperclips, jumpers, and household appliances, it's reassuring to know that baby's vomit always looks (and tastes) like Farley's Rusks. Pile them in a bowl 6 at a time while pouring over some hot milk and watch them melt together in a mini-reinactment of Major Arnold Toht's death in Raiders Of The Lost Ark. To enhance this effect, you might like to try carving a realistic likeness of Toht into the uppermost rusk. You'll scarcely be able to stifle the giggles as junior screams, leaping awkwardly from the high chair and runs for the corner huddling into a terrified little ball of nappy-soiling shame and life-altering fear.
