Portrid's Product Picks! - issue #6 - Curries (1 Viewer)

portrid

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Some would say the quality of these reviews is starting to SAAG - but I'm having NAAN of it. They're just being a pain in the GHEE and spreading bad KORMA. If you TIKKA closer look you'll see that each one is written to the same high standard, DOPIAZA muthafuckah! Gimme a break anyway because I got very sunburned yesterday and it's starting to PIL-AU!

As we all should know by now, the nicest curries do not come from a PAK-OR-A jar, they come from a menu card and a disembodied voice on your telephone that says "Hello please". I've so many of these knocking around the house that sometimes when I'm ordering I don't even know which CARDAMON!

And while I'm still on the subject, I read recently that in a bid to attract more viewers from ethnic minorities, producers from hit TV soaps recently introduced some new characters - PHAL Mitchell, RAITA Fairclough, that other LASSI I can't remember and KEITH DUFFY.



Bombay Pantry Vegetable Kofta Curry - 9/10

Summary: Great Balls of Fire!

...would not be an entirely appropriate tagline for this three-testicled assault from the growing Bombay Pantry empire. It contains balls alright - 3 doughy, nutty, vegetabley spheroids of pleasure in fact - but the dish overall is quite mild. If you ever thought about giving up meat, this may convince you that there are tasty alternatives to dead animals after all. And if you've ever thought about eating more cream, oil and fat, here is a good place to start. If you can see this one through to the end and still feel peckish, then you no doubt have an eating disorder. This is a common problem but one which still needs to be addressed, so you might wish to send for my informative leaflet - "Outsize burial caskets - Which one is right for me?"



Spice and Rice Chicken Tikka Garam Masala - 6/10

Summary: Colonic irrigation for masochists.

Holy toledo! Man, those zany Mexicans sure know how to make a gringo run. The Bombay doors do not stay shut for long after a helping of this 'chefs recommendation'. Who's the chef? Jeremy Beadle!? Sorry, I normally try and avoid letting my political views get in the way of a good 'scoop'. Hot? Yes it is hot, but what also strikes you while sifting through the swirling cataclysm is the sheer potency of it. It's like a local anaesthetic. Pull out all the teeth you want after knocking back one of these - you won't feel a damn thing. Hot tamale!



Birds Eye Chicken Curry - 7/10

Summary: Popular TV dinner gets makeover from popular chef - Anjum Ahmad. Something like that anyway. Me neither.

There's something really sinister about the chicken in Birds Eye frozen products. It's always grey for one thing, which is usually bad news. Mice, brains, old people - all grey, all bad news, all possible components of this "100% chicken breast". Luckily, there's enough else going on here to take your mind off all that, as legendary GAA star Anjum Ahmad takes on the budget frozen curry market and whips it into a writhing, screaming, naked frenzy with her absolute command of the culinary black arts.



Lamb Biryani, em... I think it was Bombay Pantry again - 5/10

Summary: Get this - curry and rice MIXED TOGETHER! FUCK!

According to legend, Biryani translates roughly as "self-contained meal that does not require you to wash any plates and in some cases, cutlery". No surprise then that biryani is always a firm (and low-carb) favourite in the Portrid household. I rarely burn any carbs with this doozy. From phone call to throwing the container on the floor you only have to leave the seat once! Just think ICE - Ingredients + Convenience = Experience. Biryani is so boring though, after a while. Just meat, rice, meat, rice, meat, rice, meat, rice, over and over until you fly into a blind rage and start rubbing fistfuls of the stuff into your eyes.



Rasam Lamb Veruval - 10/10

Summary: To die for. If you are a cute little delicious lamb. If you are human - live it, feel it, dream your dreams.

Those boffins at NASA got it waaaay wrong when they started cloning sheep, as, if this little cauldron of playfulness and intrigue is anything to go by, cloning lambs would be a far more appetizing prospect. Why do I remember the Veruval at Rasam with such fondness? It might have been the decor, it might have been the wine, it might even have been the atmosphere. More than likely though it was the giant imaginary inflatable Tommy Cooper head hovering above the table that kept me laughing hysterically throughout my visit. His timing, as ever, was impeccable - a real trooper.



Poppadom Dum Ka Chicken with onion nut stuffing - 8/10

Summary: Goodness gracious meat!

These Poppadom boys are no slouches. In this artery-clogging showpiece, each individual morsel of chicken is individually filled with it's own individual onion/nut combo stuffing. The Oxford English Dictionary definition of 'individual' is "something you cannot divide", and the fowl parcels involved here fit that description to a tee. To a tee I tell you! I cannot imagine such a delicious couplet being ever apart. Divided they stand. See? You're an idiot. I see this inspired yet faintly melancholic pairing as a metaphor for 21st century man - he is nothing but a chicken, stuffed to the brim with onions and nuts.



Bu Ali Chicken Tikka Kebab Roll - 9/10

Summary: There's a party in my naan and everyone's invited!

Sudan Red smorgasbord with chick-tikk (as we chefs* call it), falafel, blood (looks like it anyway), cucumber, onions and a little sprinkling of Bu magic. Trivia corner - Bu Ali is the name of the owner, not some random makey-up voodoo ballix. Wake up Bu! Without fail, any time I 'go Indian' I find a lucky black hair somewhere in the fiery, burst-nappiesque chaos. This can be a little disconcerting sometimes as you don't know from where or from whom the whisker sprung. Not so from Bu Ali! They are the only pubes I can trust and do you know what? I think they enhance the flavour. The Asian bayleaf as I like to call it.

*Assholes




Time for bed everyone! We have to get up early, because next time in issue #7, it's Breakfast Cereals. Goodnight sweet prince! Ssshhh...
 

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