One concerned parent, 42, from Kent wrote to me complaining about my tendancy to cover only junk food. In the package of anthrax I sent her, I also usefully included a review of vegetables to further illustrate my point:
"Lettuce - mostly green. 8/10
Carrots - are nutritional. Fantastic with swedes and marrows. 8/10
Brocolli - whoa, don't get me started on this stuff! 8/10
Potato - Why I could talk forever about their...YAAWWWWN! Do you want me to go on? BOO-OO-OORING!!!"
At her funeral I had some time to reflect on my actions and came to realise that she may have had a point. Below is my compromise. So grab a paddle friend, and let us row together on the seven seas of Juice...
Fair Trade Tropical - 8/10
Summary: Look at their little faces! They're happy because they don't live in a portaloo any more and you bought their bananas.
Why don't they just call this 'Feel Good!
' juice because everything about it just screams 'Everything is GREAT'. You are congratulated for purchasing it and helping a struggling economy (that you otherwise don't give a flying shit about, but that's another story) and you get to meet IN PERSON some of the people you personally are helping. Juan Lopez or whatever his name is, waffles on about his roof or some such and how he didn't have one before. You grin over-enthusiastically and nod and laugh when he laughs but really, all you want to do is guzzle some more of this top drawer made-from-concentrate, because you don't want his friendship, you want his passion. Fruit.Tesco Pink Grapefruit - 8/10
Summary: Take note, Mums! It's a juice, not a juice drink!
If giving your children a bottle of orange Score and micro-chips with 'red sauce' for their dinner equals "3 of their recommended 5-a-day a day fruit and veg - I'm a fantastic parent", you'd be one of the majority, and therefore WRONG. Of course I'm not for a minute suggesting every struggling single parent pop this mid-to-premium offering from Tesco in their lunchbox over say, their entry level Value orange. This stuff I imagine would make them wince because of it's depth and complexity, so to start them off I would recommend something softer such as Lychee & Starfruit Nectar from Fortnum & Mason at £12.79stg per litre (plus P&P). Now come on, you don't want the social services taking them from you again do you?
Innocent Strawberry Banana Smoothie - 10/10
Summary: These guys are sound!
Check out the hilarious Tetra-Pak version of this slinky number that even has gags printed in the sort of belfry area under the chimney/spout. They also somewhat recklessly challenge you to "pop in and see us any time at Fruit Towers". If anyone knows anybody who has taken them up on this most generous offer, let me know how it went. I'd REALLY like to know! Nil points for comedy, but they've just ji-hacked the juice jackpot!
What? Oh, ji-hacked? What's wrong with that?
Squeez Orange & Cranberry - 2/10
Summary: Makes that loathsome purple dentist water ever more appealing.
You know when you drink some delicious sun-ripened orange juice after something sweet or worse still, after eating a tube of toothpaste? Not so nice now, eh? Well regardless of what you do prior to slurping this lethal cocktail, it will taste exactly like that post-sugar/Colgate devil-orange. A wonder of science for sure, but has no practical use.
Dr. Koch's Drink 10 - 6/10 (that's confusing I know - the rating is 6 out of 10, not between 10 and 6 out of 10)
Summary: Nutritious orange gloop.
"You won't get a koch like the good doctor by drinking Club Rock Shandy all your life!" to paraphrase the little efficient Germanic spiel on the label. At least that's what I read into it. It isn't really the first thing you'd reach for after a rigorous hip-hop dance class though. In fact you would be forgiven for spreading this stuff on yer toast. Put a light bulb under the bottle and whaddaya got? A lava lamp, that's what! Glooperrific!
M&S Orange and Strawberry Juice - 9/10
Summary: Orange 75%, Strawberry 24%, Sugar...1%? Just a guess, they leave it up to you to work out.
Throw a rock in any Marks and Spencers Food Hall and if you don't hit a bottle of wine, a bag of posh crisps, an assistant, or a ready meal, you will almost certainly hit some form of fruit juice product. I chose to aim my rock at this one. Criminally ignored until recent times in the juice world, our old friend the strawberry (as is also evident in this week's 10/10) is finally making waves in this notoriously difficult market after failing to crack the Billboard Urban charts. But mixing strawberry and orange together? You wouldn't do it with your Opal Fruits, so why would you do it in real life? This here elixir of eternal virility is the why!
Tropicana Fibre - 7/10
Summary: Breezy-trousered fruit/veg combo.
Pardon me vicar, but I shall decline your generous offer of another goblet of Tropicana Fibre as I must be off at once to drown some brown clowns. This is to the supermarket what contraceptive sheaths are to the pharmacy. For a healthy (and fun!) breakfast alternative, why not try a couple of litres of Tropicana Fibre followed by several bowls of All-Bran, substituting Milk of Magnesia for real milk. And afterwards, there's nothing quite like an impromptu post-brekky sprint upstairs to keep you in shape! TAAAAXI!
Next week: Retro choc treats recognisable only to those of a particular social demographic, alienating much of the core of an already diminished audience (or think RCTROTTOAPSDAMOTCOAADA as a memory aid)
